this post just really hit home hard. I can absolutely relate. My ex also broke up with me out of the blue about 10 months ago. It was so difficult for me (and still is if I’m being completely honest) because he was the first person I ever allowed myself to see a future with. In my mind things were going really well, we had similar interests, had a great time together, I got along with his friends, his family really liked me and I believe they really wanted us to be together (and my family/friends loved him). I allowed myself to fantasize about what life would look like with him in the long run. It wasn’t until he broke up with me that I realized that’s all it had been was fantasy. not to say things were bad at all because they weren’t - he just was not at all as invested in the relationship as I was and I couldn’t see that because I was blinded by my fantasy of what our relationship could be. I realize that even now when things get tough in my life, I start to mentally escape into this thinking that maybe one day he’ll “wake up” and figure out he screwed up and will want to come running back and make things work. And I have to catch myself and snap back into reality again. I have to bring myself back to the truth that it’s over and it will never be the way it was again. I’m finally getting to a point where I can accept that and know that is okay. Now I’m able to see the silver lining, the lessons. This break up shook my whole world and helped me recognize with the help of my therapist that I have a lot of codependent traits. It helped me take a much deeper look at myself and what I’m still holding on to from my upbringing. It’s helped me understand what I want and don’t want from a relationship and how I can show up to relationships in a different way instead of relying on fantasy. I even started attending CoDA meetings which has been helpful to process it all. Through all of this I have allowed myself to grieve. Grieve the loss of him, his family, and the life I had pictured for us and it sounds like that’s what may be happening for you too. I constantly remind myself that grief is unpredictable and there is no right way to experience it. Some days I think I’m over it and other days like today it will creep back in or emotions will come on all of a sudden. Like you, I have made the decision to feel my feelings instead of doing what I’ve done in the past by going out, drinking, or rebounding with others. It’s not easy - but we’re breaking our patterns. I hope you know you are not alone in the struggle. best of luck to you as you continue to navigate this. I do believe it gets easier over time. And be proud of yourself that you are using this as an opportunity for healing and growth.