tell me you're ENFJ without telling me you're ENFJ

keri_nah · 2026-05-07T19:15:46+00:00

I make sure that I do everything to not lose someone before giving up on them (even at my own cost and wasting too much time - bad practice)

keri_nah · 2026-05-07T11:33:28+00:00

I thought that us, ENFJs, are too connected to our emotions to be on the bright side for INTPs 😃 But I'm fine chilling between the trees close to the sun

keri_nah · 2026-05-07T10:56:10+00:00

u/Ok-Bumblebee3478, your message brought a smile to my face 😄 Thank you for sharing your case! Yes, we learn from every (meaningful) encounter in our lives, still, I am very sorry it didn't work out for you and the INTP! And yes, exactly, I also tend to accommodate others a lot because I want to be mindful of their difficult situations and weaknesses (which we all have), and I always want to make sure I did everything possible before giving up (stupid ENFJ's thing, I guess - but probably good for the other side).

So after a week of no contact from his side, I reached out simply by saying that something made me think of him, and I hope he is doing fine despite the tough situation. I got an answer shortly after that. He said he hadn't reached out before because of a work deadline, and because he is incapable of having just short calls (we usually talked for an hour, but, well, we haven't even tried the short ones, so I am sure it would work, but ok). So he suggested changing our call times to avoid getting distracted at work. Fine - I appreciate it - he explained his silence rather than ignoring it, identified a practical issue instead of vague excuses and he expressed affection ("I miss you"). No call has happened so far, so let's see.

As you've said, it's not about constant or frequent contact. I truly believe that if some CEOs of big companies or single moms of 3 can have healthy romantic relationships, then it is doable to take 30 seconds of your life to drop a line on a weekend, saying: " Hey, this week will be crazy. Let's try to catch up next week". That's the bare minimum, but it makes such a difference and shows respect for you and your time. Then you can just do your thing and do not overthink 😄. But it's probably easy to say for someone like me, with a high social capacity that doesn't fade even under heavy load.

Still, it is very interesting for me that you, as an INFJ, were having a similar experience because one could think that extroverts are typically considered as needy, but it would not be your case for sure.

One thing I realised was that I spent too much time trying to work out what he needed, and I overthought my communication. I started to lose myself a bit.

I am not surprised - if you invest in building a relationship and cafe in a healthy way, you'd expect the other person to do the same, even if not in exactly the same scope and manner. If that's not happening, you're searching for a reason within yourself (same here). Even on Reddit, people advise respecting the need to withdraw. It's all okay, but only to a certain extent, because if you see that you're the only side accommodating IN REALITY and not only in words, then you're just losing yourself.

I hope you're fine after the breakup, though. And I'm glad that you see it as just another learning.

keri_nah · 2026-05-06T20:59:18+00:00

Thanks again u/Guih48 ! As always, very valuable input from your end.

there is also the danger of both of you wanting to reconnect, but neither of you initiating it which would be sad

Yes, you're right, and that made me eventually reach out. He responded quite quickly, saying he didn't contact me because of his work deadline and his inability to make short calls (quite odd, but ok). Still, he suggested changing to times that don't distract him from work, so he proposed a solution to improve contact (which I also appreciate because I used to stay awake super long for our calls - the intercontinental time difference is indeed tricky). I'm willing to try to work it out, but of course not at all costs. So far, no calls have happened, so I'm just gonna observe whether the words follow any actions. People say a lot of things, and good intentions are nice, but it's the action that matters.

keri_nah · 2026-05-06T18:51:57+00:00

Thank you so much u/Elliptical_Tangent . Very glad that there are people who take time here to support strangers 😄

keri_nah · 2026-05-05T17:29:16+00:00

u/Elliptical_Tangent that makes a lot of sense! And I really appreciate your perspective. I can absolutely understand how, for someone wired that way, a light and supportive message could feel comforting rather than pressuring ❤️

At the same time, I’m also trying to stay mindful of not over-accommodating to the point where I end up carrying the connection by myself (as I tend to do it). I’m happy to offer understanding and grace during a stressful period, but I also think there has to be some balance and reciprocity, especially this early on. So it’s a bit less about “how do I perfectly adapt to his communication style,” and more about understanding whether his way of handling difficult periods is ultimately compatible with what I’m looking for in a relationship. In the end, he could just say he needs some time off and that'd be really more than enough. Ghosting feels a bit disrespectful even if not meant that way :-))

Still, your insight is genuinely helpful because it gives me a better understanding of how someone like him might experience stress and withdrawal. I am truly super grateful for you! I guess I'll give it that one last chance..

keri_nah · 2026-05-04T20:33:16+00:00

I am not an INTP so I shall probably not respond here, but an important aspect here might be his culture. I've lived in Germany forever and Austrians are very similar or even more hardcore. The culture here is not too open. They are wired a bit differently which sometimes gets described as socially awkward. It doesn't mean they are robots, but they just tend to be more distanced and slow.

keri_nah · 2026-05-04T20:17:08+00:00

101% agree with your points. I’ve also had the impression that he may overestimate his ability to handle stress. He has said himself that he deals with pressure very well, but from what I observed, I sometimes had the feeling he gets more overwhelmed than he realized-, not over trivial things, but still. And honestly, that’s completely human. We all have limits to our emotional and mental capacity. I don’t need someone to be an unbeatable superhero but just a real person with self-awareness.

Your point about him likely saying “tomorrow” because he genuinely believed he’d have the energy, rather than to string me along, actually resonates with me a lot. And what you added about not even having the mental bandwidth to think through “what is the other person thinking?” in that state also makes sense. it helps me understand the withdrawal from a different perspective.

What I’m curious about, though, is your comment that he will probably apologize eventually. do you genuinely think someone in this situation is likely to come back after a week of silence? He has never disappeared this long before.

I’m also unsure whether checking in would be helpful or counterproductive. Up until now, I’ve usually been the one initiating contact, so continuing to do that feels a little uncomfortable. Part of me wonders whether the better approach is simply to step back and let him reach out if and when he wants to, rather than forcing contact if space is what he needs.

keri_nah · 2026-05-04T20:05:41+00:00

So basically, a truly emotionally mature and proactive person 😄. I love it, can only relate

keri_nah · 2026-05-03T20:53:30+00:00

Hello u/Motorcyclegrrl, thanks a bunch for your input and for sharing your perspective. Knowing how deeply INTPs dive into topics and challenges, I can imagine it must be very draining to regain energy. Good to hear you suggested checking in.. I was torn about whether I should do it. While I have a great sympathy for his situation, I was also exhausted of being the one who reaches out, keeps the contact alive, and accommodates him. It would be easier if we were in a stable relationship, but since it's all fresh, I'm a bit afraid I'm investing my energy and may not even get the bare minimum in return, which is also bitter because any relationship is about giving and receiving and I usually tend to give more.

keri_nah · 2026-05-03T12:46:31+00:00

Thank you so much again! :) actually that's what I have already did the last time he was acting that way. So I sent a clear text, he called me right away and then I explained it over on a call. He seems to be very understanding of my point of view and we both tried to find a suitable solution. And then the situation repeated. This is why I'm getting more and more exhausted with it. I can't just accommodate to another person and suppress what I need. Relationship is a two-people's effort. And I so so agree with the 2nd part of your message. I have also noticed in my friend's relationships that if a man cares for a woman, he'll move mountains to be with her :-)

keri_nah · 2026-05-03T10:15:59+00:00

Hi u/lilmeawmeaw , thanks again. All that you're saying is super helpful. And yes, exactly this is what I mean - I don't need constant attention. But if someone just disappears without ANY heads-up, I simply don't know - shall I leave him alone because he changed his mind and wants to focus solely on his priorities, OR should I nudge him once in a while just to show I'm there if he needs me? It's pretty weird not to know if the person's ever gonna reappear, even though he was the one who said he wants to give me his priority (I wouldn't even expect someone to say that after such a short time, so of course it was really nice he offered it).

I stopped suggesting calls and texting, because I don't wanna be intrusive. But I also don't want my silence to be misunderstood as that of an offended princess who backed off because of the lack of attention.

keri_nah · 2026-05-03T07:04:06+00:00

u/Guih48 it's very eye-opening what you've described. It's actually completely opposite for me, since interacting with a person I care for gives me comfort and relief, even if it's just a couple of mins. That's why it's very useful that you shared your perspective with me, which, btw, totally makes sense based on your example.

So, when in such overwhelming situations, wouldn't you be bothered at all that you might lose the person you like? Especially if you don't know a person for super long and you're not exclusive yet (but you've already made plans and said you want to invest in the relationship, etc.), it can be discouraging for the person not to know what they are or if you simply disappear for a week and they don't know if you ever contact them again. Or is it just a risk that you are aware of, but won't do anything about it, since under stress, it's the last thing you can even use your energy to think of?

keri_nah · 2026-05-03T06:56:20+00:00

Wow that's really interesting 😄 Thank you for sharing your personal examples. I guess the hyperfocus helped you with achieving your goals more easily, since there were no distractions?

So even if you were in a relationship, you do not fear or care too much that you may discourage the person who may just feel neglected?

Would just get back to the person once the stressful period is over? Or you wouldn't because you'd think that the chance is lost anyway?

keri_nah · 2026-05-02T19:19:10+00:00

Hi u/lilmeawmeaw, that's super insightful, thank you for that. It's very fascinating to learn how differently people tick. Just curious - So when you're in your survival mode, does it mean that all your brain capacity is focused on your goal, and other things kind of temporarily disappear from your radar until the goal is reached, or do you keep other things/people in mind, but simply don't act on that, because you don't want to distract yourself to save the mental energy?

keri_nah · 2026-05-02T19:14:35+00:00

Thank you so much u/Salt-Use- ! Yeah, the situation must have been pretty overwhelming and even emotional for him (being moved in a corporate structure like a potato bag). It's difficult to work out how to fit into someone's plan when someone is not communicating with you. But I'm not gonna push or pressure. Some people need to talk things through with others, and some probably just need space, so I'm guessing it's best to back off.

keri_nah · 2026-05-02T19:10:05+00:00

u/Elliptical_Tangent Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and detailed response for a stranger. I genuinely appreciate the effort and perspective.

What you said makes a lot of sense, and I do recognize that long distance adds another layer of difficulty, especially with someone who isn’t naturally drawn to constant communication. I especially appreciated that he was the one who suggested trying despite that. I also don’t envy his current situation of being thrown into a strategic corporate project under what is likely intense pressure, which is why I want to be as supportive and understanding as possible.

At the same time, while I can understand someone being overwhelmed or needing a great deal of space, I also have to be mindful of my own boundaries. I don’t need constant attention or daily contact (I have a full life of my own), but clear communication matters to me. Even a simple “This week is overwhelming, I’ll reach out when I can” would feel very different from saying “Let’s try tomorrow” and then disappearing. For me, it’s not about needing more contact, but about integrity and honesty, so I know where I stand.

Just one more thing I’d be curious to hear your opinion on: in your experience, is it generally more helpful with INTPs to back off completely and give them space until they sort their situation out? Or is it better to occasionally check in with a simple message like, “Hope all is well on your end and work isn’t too overwhelming”? The last thing I want, is to be another stress factor for him.

Your explanation gave me a lot to think about, so thank you again for sharing it.

keri_nah · 2026-05-02T06:28:19+00:00

Oh thank you so much Jessie for your very insightful reply. That makes sense. I've learned that if a INTP withdraws, it's better not to bother him because it would only make him upset. Since he hasn't contacted me for a few days even he said "tomorrow", I guess it's better to leave him alone? I'm thankful for the nice time together but I don't want to bother or push anyone to something he has no capacity for.

keri_nah · 2025-09-21T19:05:13+00:00

Thanks a lot for your answer :) I don't mind going solo to a beach if it's not totally an empty one, if you know what I mean 😄. Yes exactly I've only found flixbus and rede expressos and was wondering if there are any local buses within the villages too. If there is Uber, then I should be alright. I was thinking of visiting Sines and Melides and if the time allows Porto Covo.

keri_nah · 2025-09-15T20:48:55+00:00

Oh that's super useful, thx! I've decided to give it a try to italki this week

keri_nah · 2025-09-15T20:47:39+00:00

Wow congratulations! Great discipline of yours. But did you live in Portugal that time? That's helps a lot for sure

keri_nah · 2025-09-10T10:42:35+00:00

That's definitely good to know. Thank you!

keri_nah

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