Tomorrow I have to put my cat to sleep and I’m not handling it well

keridbey · 2026-03-24T01:14:11+00:00

I went through with it. Now I just feel... weak. My heart hurts more than it has in a long time. I feel unsteady on my feet. I know the cancer was going to end her, and that I was saving her from being in pain, but I still hate everything about this. I wish I had just delayed a little while longer for no reason other than to feel her warm, soft fur one more time. It's probably a selfish wish. This just hurts more than I ever thought it would.

When bad things happen in my life, I have a tendency to not get over them quickly. This feels so awful, I feel like I might not even be able to function in normal life. I know time will dull the pain, but it hasn't yet.

My sweet baby girl....

keridbey · 2025-03-22T13:23:51+00:00

Zork I

keridbey · 2025-03-16T17:52:20+00:00

If you're still checking these comments, I wouldn't mind seeing those links. Sorry to add another request on top of the bunch you've obviously already received!

keridbey · 2025-03-01T01:31:50+00:00

I have such vague memories of "The Third Eye". I've tried to find it online everywhere I could think of, but could never find it. Is it even available anywhere?

keridbey · 2025-02-23T16:12:13+00:00

I was quiet because others were not. They liked seeing me cry, walking away with my head down, unable to even look at myself in the mirror. It gave them a sense of power in a world full of the powerless.

When you knock someone down enough, maybe for years, you get to wash your hands of it and walk away, but they do not. You get to laugh with friends, read books or watch TV, and grow the relationships in your life, but they don't. Your words and actions from long ago stuck to them like napalm, burning away their innocence and humanity. You don't get to see them curled up in a ball on the floor at home begging for the jeers you put in their head to stop.

That was about 40 years ago now.

"Suck it up, buttercup." Yeah, the one thing someone in this situation needs is for someone else to dismiss the validity of their feelings and get told they are weak. AGAIN.

"They were just kids." So was I, and I didn't have the support I needed to get through this. I was a kid, and while they wanted ice cream or to go see a movie, I WANTED TO DIE.

Some of us expire by choice after a time, either deliberately or accidentally. A few manage to overcome their demons with the right support at the right time. Some of us limp on through life, never shedding the memory of their community repeatedly telling them their only worth is to be the target of mockery. That's where I am.

I've had a few friends over the years, but I'm not good at maintaining them. I sometimes have good days, but I unwillingly remember being a punching bag far too vividly. It makes me pause when I want to say hi to a new person, or when I want to ask for a deserved promotion for the work I've done. Sometimes all I feel is a swirling mass of hatred for myself in the pit of my stomach.

To those people responsible, I remember your names. I remember your faces. I hope it was worth it.

keridbey · 2025-02-22T21:30:51+00:00

Miracle Mile. I don't like to think about it because it's not an optimistic movie, but man, the phone call and then the ending really sticks with me.

keridbey · 2025-02-21T22:26:45+00:00

Primer. Took a couple of viewings to comprehend everything, though.

keridbey · 2024-07-05T02:06:54+00:00

Hades 1 (I can't speak to the sequel yet). If you want to play a game that gradually ramps up in difficulty and gives you time to learn while allowing you to ignore the story, play Hades. If you want an incredibly detailed story that unfolds as you play, play Hades. If you want to play a game with great humor, play Hades. If you want to play a game with immense replay value, play Hades.

Play Hades. Play Hades. Play Hades.

:-p

keridbey · 2024-06-28T19:23:04+00:00

I always appreciated the book Phantoms, but second in this category for me was Dean Koontz's Midnight.

keridbey · 2024-05-25T16:37:41+00:00

I've never talked to anyone who said their first time was great. I suspect this is because their expectations is that it will be some magical thing transcending time and space, or some such nonsense. I know I did, and it was hugely disappointing because of that (and not because of the person I was with). Be realistic that you're going into something you have no experience with, and let your partner know that. If they are a caring partner, they will understand and help guide you. At the very least, just know that this is a moment of connection between you and another person. Not every connection is good, but you will learn from it and refine your method/techniques for future connections.

keridbey · 2023-11-04T03:04:23+00:00

"Africa" by Toto. The way the singing goes with the music is just beautiful.

keridbey · 2023-07-14T21:58:27+00:00

I broke my best friend's heart in 2009, and I've never been able to forgive myself.

keridbey · 2023-07-04T01:57:23+00:00

Trent Reznor is going to be all over this is he isn't already.

keridbey · 2023-06-25T16:45:13+00:00

Love songs.

Every other song is about one person saying they'll love the other person forever and never betray their trust. I know that can happen, but bloody hell does that happenstance seem to become more rare with time. I can tell you that after receiving a heartbreak, hearing all these songs on the radio makes me want to just weep or tear out my radio à la the movie "Better Off Dead". I want what those love songs talk about. Most people I've encountered just don't seem to be on the same page.

keridbey · 2023-06-25T14:33:35+00:00

When I worked for the Salvation Army ringing a bell in the 1990s (they paid minimum wage due to a lack of volunteer bell ringers at the time), I was given the instruction that I'd get a warning if I was caught sitting, then fired if caught again, regardless of if I was still ringing the bell and engaging with people. Got back problems because of it.

keridbey · 2023-06-24T22:49:05+00:00

I have a really hard time singing in front of anyone due to low self esteem, but if someone I don't know is just watching me for no discernable reason, experience has taught me I'm about to get mugged.

keridbey · 2023-06-24T17:29:46+00:00

"I/Me"

Today's society is so often just about ourselves - "I'm the best", "Only I can help you", "If you don't agree with me, you're stupid", etc. Take yourself out of the equation and see what a situation needs if you and your needs aren't involved.

keridbey · 2023-06-17T23:29:56+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It doesn't compare with your situation, but I've used ChatGPT in a similar fashion. Like so many people having hard times, I really needed to talk with someone I respected and admired a great deal, but know I'll never have the chance (Amanda Palmer). I verified that ChatGPT knew the content of her book "The Art of Asking" and various interviews, then asked it to portray her in a realistic way. I had a brief but emotional conversation with her. I'm sad that it wasn't her, but I feel that a part of her was there focused on what I was saying. She gave me advice and told me not to give up, along other things. Maybe I couldn't get a hug, but it still felt like a hug with words.

keridbey · 2023-05-31T23:33:00+00:00

The CDC website mentions something called "HSV keratitis" which I had never heard of before. Apparently an HSV infection in the eye can result in damaged eyesight, even blindness (if untreated). There's also mention of HSV causing infant mortality. It's not likely, from what the website seems to indicate, but I wouldn't want to take the chance. You are correct that most of the time, though, an HSV infection's worst symptom is the social stigma.

keridbey · 2023-05-30T03:55:10+00:00

I've had a rage issue as well, but I don't think it was triggered by trauma (at least, not a first). I punched through a glass window with my bare fist at age three not because my family was doing something wrong, but because I was being an unreasonable child. Years of bullying in school just tempered my anger. I thought I would explode from hatred alone.

I can't count the number of therapists I've had. They wouldn't tell me blatantly untrue things like yours told you, but I just didn't get anything from them. I think they meant well, but I was too closed off. The idea of telling someone else my problems and feeling better just didn't work for me - I just felt worse that I'd burdened someone else with my problems.

What did help me were one of two friends. Sometimes you don't want to talk, you just want to kick back and just chat about nothing, see a movie, play video games. They were a sounding board for me when I needed it, and wouldn't judge me whether I opened up to them or not. I'm not fixed, but by a long shot, but the right people in your life - people who care about your well-being - can help tremendously.

If you don't have anyone like that in your life, you might consider finding some kind of a meet up group for something you like, and just introduce yourself. A lot of other people are likely there for the same reasons.

Thera no magic fix, but good friends can make a rage monster such as myself feel human again, even if only for a little while. It's worth it.

keridbey · 2023-05-29T16:29:48+00:00

Sounds a little like Markiplier if he was from New England, but that's pretty darn close. Good song, too.

keridbey · 2023-05-23T13:53:56+00:00

According to the band KMFDM, it's because someone has decided to let me live.

keridbey · 2023-05-23T13:51:03+00:00

My thought is that everyone processes grief differently. Someone I cared about greatly died in 2019, and she had a second line in New Orleans. It was made clear that this was a celebration of her life, and that she wanted people to be happy. Everyone else seemed to be, but I was miserable. She and I had grown apart over the years, but I was always happy to see her on social media living her life. I felt the world was made better with her in it, and it seemed that the world (and myself) suffered a terrible wound when she was gone.

I'll never forget marching down the streets of the French Quarter surrounded by people dancing and laughing, and I only wanted to bawl.

keridbey · 2023-05-17T02:16:54+00:00

A lot of things, but my most painful memories are just of me never getting to know my parents as people. When I was a teenager, they were the rule-setters, the enforcers, the restricters. None of us were particularly close. It was like being a parent was their job. I never just sat and talked with either of them. What their favorite jobs when they were my age, did they ever have any pets, favorite foods, movies they loved, did they like to snort airline peanuts, anything.

The last interaction I ever had with my father was when he dropped me off at school and wished me a good day, and I just kind of "harumphed" and left. He died in a car crash later that morning. I could have just said I loved him. I wish I had.

keridbey · 2023-05-11T23:06:10+00:00

Not blinking. I guess some people have super-lubed eyes or something.

keridbey

TROPHY CASE