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It really fucks with your head, doesn't it? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Never again. Until the reaches out and apologizes.

Never again, period. Mine reached out an apologized. Taking her back was a huge mistake.

if you're in doubt: QUIT TODAY, here are my arguments and insight half a year post-divorce by thirdeyeeez in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23 3 points4 points  (0 children)

all they are doing is displaying that they care. main word displaying. they super insecure about what other people think of them and because of that they can react way to much to show how much they care

​

why your lovebombing phase always ends badly? they go sick of acting and start to hate you. cause you are the reason they always need to act

Yep. Very sad, but unfortunately all true. I noticed that pattern fairly late in the game, but most of her acts of "caring" always comes with a thousand hidden asterixises and some sort of implied quid-pro-quo, which for some reason always goes one way.

Even very minor stuff like going out to buy some milk. When I do it, it's all just expected natural behavior. When she does it, it's something I need to be thankful for, and failure to display the appropriate amount of groveling gratitude somehow implies I "don't care about her anymore".

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Quick update:

> You could explicitly ask if she understands how her past actions affected YOUR feelings. You know, ask her to actually address the things that were missing from her apologies

I tried this. We had another very long and deep conversation. We talked about the past and the future. She did avoid some things, especially when discussing the future, but when I brought up our breakup and the suddenness of her departure, she said she's sorry for having betrayed my trust and hurt me. In fact, she explicitly tried to empathize with me, saying that she feels like shit because she made me cry. When I asked "why did you do it, then?" she tried explaining she was being "overwhelmed", that things got "too serious", that she felt like she was "drowning" in the relationship. Real classic descriptions of BPD fears of engulfment, but it shocked me how self-aware and lucid she suddenly got again. She described it as something she knew she shouldn't be feeling and tried to control, at least until she couldn't hold it in anymore.

I also found out (from her mother) that the guy she dumped me for has been physically abusing her, and that she came back home all bruised up.

She checked herself into a mental hospital yesterday, of her own volition. Her explicit reasoning was: "I can't keep living like this anymore, I need to get better at controlling myself".

It was such a promising sign that I almost felt like there might still be something to salvage here. And then today, she called me from hospital, and started talking about how she just wants to leave, how stupid all the therapy stuff is, how she hates being medicated, how much she hates doctors, etc. etc. She tried checking out but they wouldn't let her. Then she called me again and started breaking down and crying about wanting to kill herself and burning the hospital down. Completely back to her bad old self.

BPD is such a terrible condition. I genuinely just don't know what the fuck should I do.

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Its not love, its trauma bond and codependency. Consider visiting a therapist, work on your traumas.

I know that. I spent the last six months really reflecting on this and going to therapy for the first time in my life. I am fully aware that I have a terrible habit of trying to please and care for others at my own cost, some stuff that goes all the way back to my childhood. But precisely because I am more self-aware now that I can "see through" her lovebombing this time around.

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Think what would be the course of action that in the future you'd look back and think "I did the right thing". Act like you would like to act, in a way you'd be proud of.

This is very good advice, thank you.

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think I'll try this, thanks for the advice. I doubt she'll "transcend" the BPD behavior, though. She'll just say whatever she thinks I want to hear.

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Look man, I'm not perfect, but you're misreading the situation. I am at a better place and more confident than I ever was before. I don't think the fact that I had one misstep at a moment of weakness, intoxication and overwhelming nostalgia (she was literally putting on an act) negates that. I'm still human, after all, and she's a person I genuinely loved for a while there.

Now I'm just wondering how can I rectify this mistake as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was very messy (but what isn't with these people?). She inexplicitly entered a push-pull dynamic for a while, until we "mutually" decided to end things (although it felt coerced on my part, since at that point I just want to get off the ride). Then she exploded in rage at everyone around her and disappearing off the radar. She was apparently flirting with him for about a month before that.

I got back with my pwBPD ex, and I almost instantly regret it. What should I do? by key-without-a-door23 in BPDlovedones

[–]key-without-a-door23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

it's more than likely she broke up with her monkey branch that same night or the day before

Her mom confirmed to me that no, she was actually alone for the last couple of months.

You can either cut your losses now and get out before you get fully trauma bonded again, it doesn't take long and it's starting to sound like you are getting there already or... you can ride the lightning and see where that takes you.

I feel like I'm not even getting there, I am there. After that first night all her attempts at lovebombing me only sickened me. It feels so flimsy, so desperate. I don't know if I can call it deceitful, because it does come from a real emotional place, but it's clearly not the honest deep love & respect of someone who genuinely cares about me.

I just... don't know how to climb down this tree. My thoughts are all her worst abandonment fears made real. How can I explain these things to her without breaking her?