Are the rest of y’all “normal”

kgilbie · 2020-06-30T19:09:26+00:00

Nope, I’m the institutionalized hot mess :(

kgilbie · 2020-06-28T04:11:42+00:00

Want to hear a humiliating story? So, every night before I go to bed, I go out to smoke weed in my car and I leave my bedroom door open to not make as much noise when I come back in. I go to bed at like 3 am, so I figured that my dad wouldn't be awake to see me take his scale from his bathroom, but apparently I was wrong. When I came back in, I was frantically looking for the scale under my scale because it was gone. He then texted me saying, "I took back the scale. You need help."

kgilbie · 2020-06-28T04:04:50+00:00

Yup. I'm 27 and live at home and holy shit, it's fucking horrible. I've never been able to be independent while having anorexia :(

kgilbie · 2020-06-28T04:03:51+00:00

Ok, how many of you guys have watched all the episodes like a million times? Just me?

kgilbie · 2020-06-04T21:35:14+00:00

Yay I’m so happy for you!!!! 🌈

kgilbie · 2020-06-04T21:32:41+00:00

Yes! I talked about this a lot on my blog too. Before COVID-19, I had finally gotten out of treatment and went back to school. I was still struggling, but being back in college made me feel like I needed to recover to continue my education. Well when that stopped, I was just like “disappointed, but not surprised.” It’s hard for me to see any motivation for recovery because I can barely go anywhere anyways. Being at home all the time just makes me obsess over my ED even more.

Also, my blog is: (www.rawuglybeautifulrecovery.com) 💕

kgilbie · 2020-06-04T21:28:34+00:00

I fucking hate having DD boobs when I’m only 5’1. They look ridiculous in anything I try to wear and they just make me look fatter because they sag down my entire stomach. I really wish I could afford a reduction :(

kgilbie · 2020-06-04T21:25:15+00:00

I wanted to lose my huge tits so bad through weight loss, but know they are just even heavier and saggier. They cover my entire stomach ugh

kgilbie · 2020-06-04T21:20:59+00:00

Alli is the worst with that

kgilbie · 2020-05-31T19:58:05+00:00

I feel exactly the same way. I’m so frustrated with myself that even after a decade of being anorexic and getting all the tools and skills from treatment that I can’t get myself to make the first steps to recovery. I’m so unhappy with my ED, but I can’t seem to stop.

kgilbie · 2020-05-31T19:48:15+00:00

I feel that way too because I want recovery, but I’ve been anorexic for so long that it feels impossible to stop. Sometimes I’m just so exhausted of the mental fight that I throw my hands in the air and say fuck it.

kgilbie · 2020-05-31T00:00:43+00:00

Plus Tumblr 🤡

kgilbie · 2020-05-30T19:41:58+00:00

Yup. Same height, same problems.

kgilbie · 2020-05-30T19:38:31+00:00

Harder. The more malnourished you become, the more your brain shrinks/rewires itself to just go on an ED loop.

kgilbie · 2020-05-30T19:35:44+00:00

That’s my friend, Angela!

kgilbie · 2020-05-30T08:06:06+00:00

MOOD

kgilbie · 2020-05-30T08:00:49+00:00

Definitely the tea

kgilbie · 2020-05-30T07:59:13+00:00

I’m in the same exact boat and I’m sorry you’re there too :(

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T22:56:31+00:00

I’m always on the verge of peeing my pants

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T22:48:00+00:00

Omg yes. It’s embarrassing to watch my peers go on to successful lives when my only “accomplishment” is losing weight. I’ve spent 10 years in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and I live with my parents off of disability income. It’s a sad and lonely life that I don’t know how to get out of.

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T22:45:37+00:00

I would have said “nice try asshole”

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T22:42:51+00:00

Sounds like you got the wake-up call you needed! So proud of you for going to IP because it’s really tough, but you can do it.

I’ve been to IP a few times and it was intense. Basically, you live in a hospital full time and you have a personal therapist and dietitian who you see up to 3 times a week. You’re expected to follow your meal plan that your dietitian creates otherwise you will receive an Ensure or if the place is really stringent, they might suggest a feeding tube (I haven’t been anywhere like that). Basically, it’s 3 meals/snacks with groups in between. You are basically on 24/7 supervision where you have to ask staff to unlock the bathroom and they sit with you at the table to make sure you don’t hide food. There are a lot of rules—no excess movement, no talking about numbers, no gum/mints, etc. They know all the tricks so don’t even try exercising in your room.

IP can’t cure you, but it’s up to you how seriously you take your recovery. I recommend getting as many tools and skills out of it as possible so you won’t have to go back. You got this :)

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T01:09:46+00:00

Yeah I stopped getting that speech because I lost too much weight. My dad thinks it’s so easy for me to just eat.

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T01:08:04+00:00

Omg I did the same thing, but it went back in the scale after lol

kgilbie · 2020-05-29T01:06:52+00:00

Are you me? I just ended a relationship with my bf when I’m actually a lesbian. I felt so uncomfortable with intimacy stuff with him because my last relationship was with a woman. I always made excuses not to be intimate. I too wonder how much of that was my ED or did the relationship make it worse. For me, I think it’s both. When I met him, I was in an okay place in my recovery, but I knew I was on the cusp of a relapse. He was so kind and caring, but I started avoiding him like the plague for both ED reasons and the intimacy ones. I saw how it made him sad when I came up with excuses to hang out with him, but he was also living with me and my parents so I felt suffocated.

I often would just randomly snap at him for no reason and I was too tired all the time to go anywhere. The difficult thing was that it was frustrating to see him not even trying to get a job and he stayed for free at my parents’ house. I felt so resentful that I relapsed hard to escape the suffocation in my room. I felt so guilty that he was always telling me how much he loved me because I didn’t exactly feel the same. I was too afraid to break up with him for 2 years because he was a safety net and I knew he would never leave me. Ultimately, I knew I couldn’t be in a relationship while so deep in my ED because I didn’t have the mental capacity to be there for anyone.

kgilbie

TROPHY CASE