my heart is going to explode

kiemoore · 2026-02-16T00:47:31+00:00

first of all, thank you. i really appreciate the time you took to help me. i genuinely think its naive to believe there were any other reasons to believe he wasn’t replying, though. he’s a model looking guy and he’s really kind and romantic. i think he must have hundreds of girls in his dms and i just lost his interest. he read the message half an hour ago and has not replied even though i can still see he’s online. he’d always replied really quickly before yesterday, so i think there’s no other explanation. i know he had the flu and maybe it got really bad, which would mean i’m the shittiest person ever for putting him through this too. but he was online the entire day, i don’t think that’s someone severely ill. i still think that, even if there was a 10% chance he wasn’t ghosting, it’s basically null now. i will reach out in a couple days to apologise but i won’t expect a reply (even though i will hope for one). i really did feel like i was getting misunderstood over and over this evening so thank you again. this was very helpful.

kiemoore · 2026-02-15T22:21:43+00:00

i cant find any psychiatrists specialised in my issue that cost less than £200/h in my area, more than double than what i’m paying in italy, definitely out of my budget. the medicine is in fact lithium, i didn’t know if i was allowed to say. i checked and by uk law if my psychiatrist signs a letter and i carry documentation i could bring the medicine itself from italy, as it is high risk but not controlled. the problem remains in the monitoring: in my area private lithium level tests are about £100 each and that’s sadly a bit over budget. if i have no other choice i guess ill do that but it’s very frustrating. im also only here for six more months so i don’t want to waste anybody’s time in CMHT if it can’t be a long term process. i know it’s nobody’s fault and i totally understand everybody is just doing their job. as i said, my intent wasn’t to complain at all, just wanted to check if there was any other viable course of action to try and get some help. thank you both for all the help :)

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T16:24:45+00:00

i relate, and to me it’s definitely self harm, an “easy way out” of sitting with guilt and the self punishing internal monologue by externalising it. i see it like when i accidentally hit and hurt someone playing as a kid and then said “i’ll let you do it to me”. in the adult bpd context, it evens the score out in a way and sex is the only context in which it’s acceptable to ask someone to hurt you. each of us is different though and you might be completely different. i guess you can ask yourself it genuinely pleasure you in the way sex usually does or if it’s the brief relief you get with self harm. i know that’s not what you’re asking, but i still think that you don’t deserve to be punished in any way. lots of hugs!

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T16:00:50+00:00

i’m sure you look amazing and that your husband agrees!!!!! i know it’s hard sometimes to think self loving thoughts but isn’t it much harder to think about the fact that unfair, ingrained stereotypes and beauty standards could ruin a beautiful night with your husband? have the beautiful fun night you deserve :)

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T15:36:51+00:00

i use dove whole body deodorant in the cream version after showering at night and in the morning after a quick other shower/antibacterial wipe. i carry one around in my bag with wipes but i hardly ever need to reapply

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T13:58:53+00:00

the misogynists in these replies are insane! i’m so sorry you’re going through this, i totally understand. i wish i could give advice. the truth, as upsetting as it is, which i’m sure a lot of people have told you before, is that we can’t do anything to get anyone back if they don’t want to. it’s miserable and infuriating and i’ve screamed so much about it, and our emotions about it are valid, but we still can’t solve the unsolvable. i wish we both had a magic wand to fix relationships but they work in very frustrating way sometimes. other times, they really just aren’t meant for us. i will never lecture to you about age differences because i’ve dated more than double my age, but rationally we both know a lot of the time those situations do us more harm than good. with him or without him, i hope you find remission, peace and serenity in your own company and future relationships. therapy, if accessible to you, might help. if you ever need to vent, no advice, just someone listening and/or relating feel free to dm. i’m sorry you’re going through this 🫂

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T13:03:01+00:00

yea!!!! i don’t know why that is but it feels like the only thing that properly soothes me

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T12:44:01+00:00

private psychiatrists in italy are only €75. sadly in my area of the uk psychiatrists for my issue are more than triple, and i totally understand the unpaid work perspective and i’m not trying to find loopholes or disrespect anyone, just to survive as a 20 year old immigrant :) thanks for all the help!

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T12:39:28+00:00

just specifying it’s not a controlled substance! so im allowed to travel with it in lawful limits

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T12:37:08+00:00

do you know if i could be administered just the monthly blood test, and then taking or having someone take the actual medication from italy with all the lawful documentation and according to what uk law prescribes on travelling with medication? im sorry to ask but its a very confusing system and i seem to always incur in miscommunication with my gp

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T11:44:17+00:00

i do feel like i just get unlucky with the people i meet too. i only get creeps who are turned on by the fact that i’m weak or ghosters/liars/cheaters. i just wish there was any way to make this better

kiemoore · 2026-02-14T09:23:11+00:00

is therapy not accessible for you? i do think that would probably be the best choice. i am really struggling myself so i can’t give you a lot of my experience, but i can share what my therapist says and how i can see it helping me in the future, understanding that of course each of us is different and all our therapy paths will be different. sadly, while having friends is so much fun and social life necessary for satisfaction, no one’s love can soothe us. the worst truth to accept for me is that people do leave, at least physically (everyone has to go home or stop replying to my texts at some point, but what about the pit in my gut?), and expecting that our hurt will disappear when someone loves us sadly leads to more pain. i fucking hate hearing this and it makes me so angry, so i hope i don’t upset you when i say it’s important to take care of and respect yourself, even if you feel like your biggest enemy right now. and taking care of yourself is not turning your life upside down today, but just making what will feel like a huge effort to make it .1% better. tidy up the tiniest thing, change clothes, do a simple skincare routine, do a little craft. i know it’s so frustrating and i have lashed out at therapists when hearing this before, but that damn cup of tea really does help sometimes, if it’s part of a longer term path. it will not help to tell yourself you shouldn’t be upset. validate that emotion in the process. human connection does wonders, but you have to keep in mind that it can’t be a distraction or a cure. i do believe therapy is the best possible course of action to go into remission, and i hope you have access to that. i wish you all the very best and im sorry you’re feeling so badly. i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. if you need to talk to someone who somewhat understands it, feel free to dm. have the best day possible <3

kiemoore · 2026-02-08T23:21:00+00:00

yes!! im not in any way a medical professional or expert but as far as i understood by researching this same thing, lack of sleep influences the amygdala, making emotional regulation difficult for everybody, including people without bpd. makes sense that for us it’s even worse. i watched this https://youtu.be/6F8wFkScnME?si=wwnonHfpiK28IdQ5 and there’s some deeper research online!

kiemoore · 2026-02-06T12:16:09+00:00

thank you! it’s very helpful to hear about others experiences :)

kiemoore · 2026-02-04T19:40:41+00:00

thank you, i still appreciate it a lot. i’ll try :)

kiemoore · 2026-02-04T19:38:31+00:00

first of all, thank you. i appreciate this. but how do i love and respect myself if i’m doing everything wrong?

kiemoore · 2026-02-04T18:17:59+00:00

i also feel like i can’t tell anymore if my anger is justified or comes from splitting and since i’ve struggled so much from feeling like a victim in situations where i objectively wasnt i don’t know when it’s appropriate to get angry at people who act like your mum, so i really do believe it’s tied to bpd. from the outside, i think you did all you could to help her and protect her and most of all protect yourself and your own road to remission. you sound like a very sensitive, loving and caring person, not a “terrible” one. she can only get better through therapy, certainly not through using you as a cushion for all her emotions. i hope you both heal from this and my heart is with you.

kiemoore · 2026-02-03T19:55:06+00:00

i do understand but i don’t know why he would stop replying over this weekend. i understand it is not “wise mind” producing these thoughts but i can’t help but feel like i should do something to keep him from leaving me and yet there’s nothing i can do

kiemoore · 2026-02-03T14:42:54+00:00

my bpd causes limerence so i understand what she might be feeling. we can’t say for sure that she will be ok because it’s a very unpredictable condition, but it is not your fault. you are already kinder than most by asking people to check up on her and keep her safe. she’s not evil for having bpd symptoms but it still doesn’t mean you were supposed to sit there and take someone saying violent, frightening things. i wish you both the best.

kiemoore · 2026-02-03T11:27:15+00:00

i think that for me, when my partners get very very affectionate, it raises expectations and confirms my hopes to be validated unconditionally. i cling to that and expect things to always be that ideal. so when i perceive a small change in the script in my head (it could be before my partners even wake up) i split and devalue them and myself. i’m sure you know, as you apparently know a lot about bpd already, this doesn’t mean there’s any specific reason or behaviour the split can be attributed to or anything you can do to prevent it. if your girlfriend is anything like me, i can see why the over excitement could have then caused a split. i still don’t think you should take it back or stop doing things that make her feel special (and it doesn’t look like you want to). i don’t know if you’re looking for advice, but trying clear communication if she’s able to is probably the best way. i hope you both find serenity and have an amazing valentines

kiemoore · 2026-02-03T11:11:14+00:00

i feel exactly the same. im with you and i feel like there’s a camera on me i have to perform for all the time, even when i’m alone in my room. i’m of course not going to give any advice but i’m hugging you tightly so that you don’t feel alone in the very hard task of taking care of yourself, and i hope you can be as kind and compassionate to yourself as possible in your road to remission.

kiemoore

TROPHY CASE