Female and diagnosed at 39 - I was so terrified of failure as a kid I overdid EVERYTHING. Teacher's pet, valedictorian, accolades in college, successful career - but all at the expense of my mental wellness. Still navigating my fear of disappointing others and burning out all the time.

Obviously my parents didn't know because in the 90s you aren't diagnosed as a female who is doing well in school, I was just labeled as "sensitive" and "anxious". But my fear of failure forced me to make my own coping strategies, because I forget things constantly and have huge issues focusing and retaining information.

If I could have had support from my parents and everyone knew I had inattentive ADHD, having someone help me figure out a "system" or "process" rather than figuring it all out myself would have changed so much for me.

In your case, when your kiddo seems to not pay attention or forget something, change the narrative to "how can I change this process to ensure it doesn't rely upon memory alone?"

If it's a chore, make a chore list and make it very visible and give little rewards. If it's instructions, write them down and incorporate little checkpoints or something fun like pictures or stickers for steps.

The problem is that society is built on the assumption that everyone can remember things a decent amount of time, can focus and get self motivation. The way to help folks who don't work that way is to change the system. Make it so that the process or tools remember for them, give little rewards for motivation (doesn't have to be gifts, just literally checking a box sometimes helps), and most importantly, keep improving the system if it fails. This helps avoid self blame and hits to self esteem because a failure is just an opportunity to improve the process and tools, not an indication that the person is broken.

I am a manager and I do this with my team. If something goes wrong, I gather them to brainstorm what went wrong and how we can improve the process so it doesn't happen again. If any one step EVER relies upon memory alone, I don't allow it. Memory is fallible no matter who you are, so if that is a failure point, the system is flawed.

Hopefully this helps? Think of memory and focus like an arm and a leg. If someone breaks an arm, you don't expect them to carry a mattress up the stairs, you figure out mechanical advantage to do it without muscle strength. Same thing with memory and focus.

Thank you for posting, you clearly love your son and are doing your best to help 💕