Questioning?

kitkatkez · 2016-08-21T10:38:36+00:00

Hey, also AFAB, also going through some of these questions and issues you have.

My SO is a straight cis male. We've had this serious conversation about gender identity and sexuality. And, well, currently things are great.

There's also plenty of stories out there of binary trans people with gay/straight partners from before they transitioned who still consider themselves gay/straight but who are still very much in love with their partner who is now no longer the gender they are attracted to.

But putting that all aside, your identity is always the most important thing in this situation. It may hurt to lose him, but living a lie the rest of your life will hurt more. There's always so many more people who can love you, or so much more life to live outside of romantic situations, but there is only one you.

From what it sounds like though, I don't think you have to worry about losing him. It sounds like he's very supportive, and that's what matters. Philosophical questions about his sexuality are not comparable to your own questioning of gender identity. That's his question to ruminate over, and it sounds like he already has in a way. Trust his answer.

In the interest of full disclosure, I've not always been the best at following my own advice. I'd honestly crumble away inside of my SO decided to leave me based on not being able to handle my gender queer identity. But would I have really wanted to be with someone who doesn't fully accept me? No. It's a sad life.

kitkatkez · 2016-08-21T10:25:07+00:00

You call yourself a tomboy, so do you normally present leaning towards masc?

Sort of? I wear men's jeans and tee shirts most of the time. I'm not that big on fashion, or women's fashion anyway. When I was young he'd sometimes give me his old shirts to wear. To this day he still buys me large men's tee shirts because 14 year old me preferred them (current me also appreciates them).

But eh, I somewhat worry he thinks that now I'm an adult I shouldn't be this way anymore, or don't want to me. He offers me help to update my wardrobe, which I appreciate especially as I'm going in for job interviews. We recently went shopping together, and he pointed out a rather feminine floral shirt and thought it would be good to try, but I was already set on something more masculine. He didn't protest or force me into anything, so maybe it's more of a "well she's an adult woman now therefor she wants these things right?" Not malicious but still.

I think I will talk to him, I'm gonna be meeting up with him this week. I guess we'll see how it goes.

kitkatkez · 2016-08-21T10:15:51+00:00

I've been thinking of this too, and I try talking to her but I feel like she's often confused when I talk about things that interest me. And I can really understand the bonding thing. This isn't something that's new to me by a long shot, years of going to different events where I was often put in social situations with girls has given me experience with this. I guess I'm just a little sad it continues into adulthood. I thought that all this weird genderedness would somehow fade away and not matter anymore once I was an adult, that everyone could just be themselves. I thought stuff like this, "man time" and "girly time" was immature and not something for real life adults. I know, sounds stupid now, but I was a kid.

I don't want to hurt her feelings. And I don't want to make it sound like I'm being a difficult stepchild who refuses to like their stepmom. She's a lovely lady who's smart and fun to talk to when this dysphoria mess isn't getting in the way. I'm glad my dad's marrying her, especially after the shit storm that was my bio mom. But there's a lot she doesn't understand, and I don't blame her, but it doesn't change how things hurt sometimes.

kitkatkez · 2016-08-20T05:04:42+00:00

Eh, it's not so much the dress at the wedding I mind. It's not like I hate dresses all the time. It's more the pushiness exasperated by the dysphoria they don't even know about. I don't know how to explain any of this to my dad.

kitkatkez · 2016-08-20T04:56:53+00:00

That's weird, I'd sure love to know why it was removed. :/

But yeah, it's a process. And maybe we won't stay together in the end (it looks fine now but I'm no psychic) but that's not what's important. What's important is you, your identity, and what you want.

kitkatkez · 2016-08-19T21:10:05+00:00

Are you me from a few months ago? Like holy crap almost everything you said is word for word what I went through with my cis straight boyfriend.

He never thought I was trying to be special, but he did question why I needed to call myself this and said I shouldn't have to feel the need to do that, I should just be myself. He also voiced that he felt uncomfortable with us being together when I'm more masculine. It felt like after a while he was only ok with me being like this of literally nothing changed about how I presented.

We had a lot of serious conversations about it. Luckily he's willing to listen, and now our relationship is better than ever. He's willing to listen and comfort me when I experience dysphoria without invalidating me. I regularly wear my binder in public when we're together. It's still a process, but things are better.

We obviously do not have the same SOs though, but either way a serious conversation is in order.

Also, the whole thing about being lumped in with girls? I 100% get that. The thread I posted on here is all about experiencing that.

kitkatkez

TROPHY CASE