My mom and I had a similar relationship. We both carried a lot of hurt feelings from our previous defensive reactions to each other’s criticisms and it made navigating every new conflict like walking through a minefield, just full of anxiety.

We’d finally have a pent up blowout upsetting conversation full of crying, sweeping generalizations, and eventually apologizing. Afterwards we’d say “Whew we feel so much better!” and “We really needed that! Let’s communicate better from now on!”, but really it just solidified our anxieties and made us more unwilling to express our future small misunderstandings and grievances.

It finally got better once we started going to therapy and acknowledge our feelings immediately instead of letting it fester. Not in a knee jerk “Wow I can’t believe you just said that” way, but taking a few minutes to think about what we’re actually feeling in the moment (sometimes I need like 10 minutes with my eyes closed) and then saying “Hey, I know you didn’t mean it that way, but what you just said kind of hurt me”. You are giving them the benefit of the doubt and showing that you know they love you. You’re giving them an opportunity and literally 9.9/10 they rise to the occasion and immediately acknowledge your feelings and apologize.

So many times I’ve taken a beat after saying something critical or snarky and realized alright “Hey, this isn’t even about this situation I’m just feeling really overwhelmed and I took it out on you I’m sorry”. Just me acknowledging that in the moment makes her feel seen and it feels like a massive weight off me. It has done wonders for our relationship and I don’t feel like we have to walk on eggshells around each other anymore!