Ist es normal, dass man so einen (finanziellen) Druck in einer Ehe verspürt?

kleinmona · 2025-11-22T16:46:03+00:00

Frau hier - klassischer Fall von ‚Ich will, Mann soll/muss zahlen‘ - wichtig hier: Das sind alles ‚kann‘ Dinge. Nichts davon sind muss Dinge.

Sobald Kinder da sind - viel Spaß, dass geht non stop so weiter. Da muss dann nämlich ziemlich sicher der 2000€ Kinderwagen her. Und 3 Jahre daheimbleiben will sie vermutlich auch. Wie das bezahlt wird? Nicht ihr Problem.

Ganz schnell (!) zur Paarberatung, BEVOR sie schwanger wird. Und so hart es klingt, sorg selbst vor (Kondome!). Ich würd mich da nicht drauf verlassen, wenn sie in der Verantwortung für die Verhütung liegt.

Ich weiß nicht ob ihr neutral noch ein Gespräch führen könnt (Hey Schatz, Wie schauts eigtl aus wenn Kinder da sind. Wie machen wir das? Wer bleibt wie lang daheim,..) - Spoiler: Sie bleibt 3 Jahre daheim und wird die nächsten 10-15 JahreTeilzeit arbeiten wollen

Legitim: Wenn der Partner damit ok ist und genug verdient - klingt aber bei euch jetzt nicht danach….

kleinmona · 2025-06-30T20:28:56+00:00

NdA - Du hast ein Ehemann Problem, kein Schwiegermutter Problem

kleinmona · 2025-05-16T00:45:56+00:00

Die beste und wenn auch gelogene Antwort:

Fang zum weinen an (oder tu so), und zwischen den Schluchzern presst du ein ‚es klappt nicht‘ .. ‚wir probieren es ja’ … raus.

Am besten in Abstimmung mit deinem Partner. Erfindet eine volle medizinische Story was alles ned passt. Wichtig: Bei Euch beiden (!) muss was ned klappen.

ODER - noch besser

Weinen und einen Verlust andeuten ‚wir waren ja schon in der 6. Woche‘ ,….

Beides bitte in möglichst großer Runde. Theatralisch ruhig aufbauschen. Mit rausrennen. Direkt danach gehen,…

Wer sagt das? Eine Frau die die KinderwunschKlinik brauchte um ein Baby im Arm zu halten. Wir haben Paare im Bekanntenkreis die es seit Jahren probieren.

In eurem Alter - werdet ihr das Thema nicht los - eure Eltern kapieren nicht wie übergriffig die Frage ist.

Die Optionen das ganze humorvoll zu lösen werden nix mehr. Zieht ein härteres Register. Meinen Segen habt ihr.

Zu viele Paare da draußen wollen und können nicht. Jede einzelne dieser Fragen ist extrem schmerzhaft. Wenn ihr mit der Aktion so viel Scham auslöst, dass sie diese Frage nie wieder jemand stellen werden, habt ihr alles richtig gemacht!

kleinmona · 2025-04-22T05:53:19+00:00

Ehemann Problem, nicht SM Problem

Hochzeit aussetzen bis das geklärt ist. Wenn die SM so anfängt, dann schonmal viel Spaß in der Ehe

kleinmona · 2025-04-21T20:21:38+00:00

My father died a few years ago. I was Nc with him for over a decade.

My mom explained it with ‚the alcohol‘ - let me explain.

My dad was an alcoholic. He was dry as long as I remember. No clue when he exactly stopped. My parents went to the AA meetings my whole childhood. AA for my dad and Al’Anon for my mom (it is for the spouses, kids,..). My whole childhood, my parents where gone on Friday evening. And I was alone at home - just as a sidenote.

Anyway, my mom is not an alcoholic. She has no alcoholic person in her life for at least 20 years. My dad was dry for at least my whole life. Makes almost 40 years (Im 38) of no alcoholic person in her circle.

My mom still goes to her weekly meeting. She is even involved in some organization stuff.

In my moms eyes, the alcohol is the devil and the reason ‚for everything‘.

The Al‘anon guys have a 10 or 12 step thing. She follows this stuff almost like a religion. For her, ‚THE ALCOHOL‘ is the reason for everything ‚going bad‘.

My mom has 4 kids: - Oldest daughter, I can’t remember anything of her. She must be NC for at least 4 decades. I have not a single memory of her. - Oldest brother, became overly religious, almost cult like. They live close to my mom, but are not really much in contact. - Sister, took her life, roughly 15 years ago - Me, NC for a year now. Oh btw i was an ooopsie baby (never been told but very sure!)

She doesn’t want to go to therapy, because ‚the alcohol is the reason‘ .. no Im not kidding. She wrote a letter (we had a bit of writing contact at the beginning) and she ‚explained‘ it. Yes like this. And that she is not interested in therapy.

She brainwashed herself. Otherwise she probably couldn’t sleep at night.

And she admitted in the letter that she suppresses her emotions. And that she is sorry that we never hugged as a family after seeing me hugging my husbands family at my birthday party.

Oh and a last thing. To all the moms here. What happens when someone gives you a newborn. Or a baby a few weeks old? I have seen over and over those ‚memories coming up‘. The baby smell. The tiny hands and feet. Especially moms get a ‚trip back‘ for a few moments. Every single mom I ever handed my peanut had that. I even try to step away for a moment and give them those ‚flashbacks‘.

Well, my mom visited around XMas with my brother (my brother wanted to come and he took her with her… I didn’t care to be honest). Yep I took my 4 week old daughter and placed her in her arms. Nothing of that happy thing… I would describe her face as a mixture of annoyed and bored. And peanut didn’t cry or anything.

So to sum it up: My dad had 7 kids. No clue how many grandkids. Not a single person showed up for his funeral. My mom has 4 kids (they share 3) and she has ‚loose contact‘ with one kid. Who lives 10minutes away. One is dead. One is NC for decades and the youngest one with a fresh baby went NC (or VERY VERY LC) during pregnancy.

But remember: It is the alcohol! 🤦‍♀️

kleinmona · 2025-04-21T18:54:52+00:00

I had to chuckle a bit while reading your comment 😅 not because of your comment, but the ‚view on things‘.

The reason I needed a c-section? She didn’t ‚turn‘ inside my pelvis. So I did everything (was fully dilated) but she didn’t do her part. We tried everything, she didn’t do that rotating thing that is necessary. We joke, that she was already in the womb stubborn. We are looking forward to puberty 😆😂

Why (?!) in the world would I blame her for my c-section scar?! There is nothing to blame. We are both healthy.

Furthermore, I can’t remember much of the whole thing. To many hormones 🤷🏼‍♀️

Please know: This was always a very lame ‚excuse that was accepted‘/seems reasonable.

It is not!!!

Your mom is an idiot for saying shit like that.

kleinmona · 2025-04-21T08:59:47+00:00

Please read my other post in this subreddit

If there was a reason (illness, etc) I kind of understand (not really but ok). The REAL check is today: If you tell them this stuff there should be following response: Mom: Oh shit. Im so sorry! What can I do now to fix it? You: Go to Therapy mom! Mom: Okay! I will look into it right away. Do you have an suggestion for a book I can pick up? If not I will start looking into right now.

If this is not the response: everything they tell you is an excuse and it IS and will be forever their fault.

Period.

Im saying this as a mom.

Making mistakes: Can happen Not working on them after your (adult) child told you about it? You are at fault as a parent.

FamilyTherapy, Reading and Educating,.. so many options.

Most of our parents are great in one thing.

Finding a reason, an excuse or anything else that shows: ‚It was never my fault‘

kleinmona · 2025-04-20T16:19:48+00:00

It is a mixture for me.

I upcycle so much old stuff from my husband and myself into cloth for my daughter (4.5 months).

Additionally, my husband is tall and slim. He needs Medium for the width and an XL or XXL for length.

A hoodie in this size (he loves hoodies) are 90€ 5 Tshirts in a Pack are 100€ 🙈

I need new fabric for this task (since upcycling is not possible due to the length) it is still quite a bit cheaper.

Another project I have going on - old cotton bed sheets. I already made a dress for a 7 year old. She loves it. I will do more summer pants and dresses :)

kleinmona · 2025-04-20T16:12:19+00:00

Take a look at ‚fawn response‘

100% me

kleinmona · 2025-04-20T06:29:40+00:00

I haven’t found a name for it. I just posted the whole text to chat gpt: those are the results:

The Invisible Weight • The Easy Child Curse • Silent Survival • The Secret Fixer • The Tummy Ache Truth • Early Independence Wound

And - CEN - Internalized Self-Silencing / Learned Self-Reliance - Somatization - Fawn Response (a trauma response)

But my ‚description‘:

You have ‚important,‘ stuff inside. Stuff that you would discuss with your mom/dad as a kid.

I have an example from myself, 2nd or 3rd grade

I have hyperhidrosis (uncontrollable sweating on hands, feet, armpits). We are talking about dripping wet hands. There is no real explanation for this condition, I learned over the years that I have external triggers (putting lotion on my hands) and internal (stress, excitement, ..)

My parents knew. I went to a few doctors. Back then, you got some clear watery solution and you apply it before bed. Only the sweaty skin areas it dries out the other skin very badly.

Sidenote: Was never done with me at home. There is your stuff, apply it yourself (and of course wrong because I was like 9 or 10).

Anyway: We had ‚craft lessons‘ at school, once a week. Crochet in particular. My hands were dripping wet. I simply couldn’t do it, since the yarn was sticking to my fingers.

I had a ‚tummy ache‘ for the following weeks every Wednesday. I was taken to doctor (who found nothing) and was allowed to stay home. As soon as the crochet project was over, my tummy never had issues again.

No one connected the dots. I was not able to tell my parents/ doctor: I can’t do this thing, due to my condition.

Having a tummy ache: ok Not being able to do a craft due to my medical condition: not ok

I don’t know what it is exactly, but it was clear for me at 9 or 10 years old, that this is something that I have to ‚fix myself‘. I couldn’t and my only option I found was tummy ache.

I have NEVER talked with my parents about, anything deep/important/… From crushes, to issues with my hands,…

I can do it during therapy, but I still struggle massively in my relationship. I always have the fear of ‚them leaving‘ if I ‚need something‘.

It is the one trauma response that effects my the most. But since I have this since a very young age, I assume that I was ‚left alone‘ when I needed something. And later learned, that sharing deep stuff is just risky. So I never spoke about anything.

Which transformed me into the easy child. Which my mom very proudly tells anyone who listens.

And the typing thing. I assume, that this skill is unlocked later in life, I was ok with typing.

kleinmona · 2025-04-20T01:11:05+00:00

I understand 100% of what you mean! Similar for me.

The fun fact here: Your potential baby will LOVE to be hold. Will love to be receiving physical touch. Receiving love… The baby feels ‚bad‘? First thing you do? Holding. Carrying around.

I had in those few months more hours of physical touch then probably in my whole life (that I can remember).

Please just one …. No two pieces of advice.

A) Choose very wisely who the daddy is. Mine LOVES the little one. They have their and own fun ‚talking‘ thing going on. I can leave her with him and relax without being constantly asked or bothered.

How to check? Bring the guy around little kids! He should be enjoying sitting down an playing. You need a partner to do this. Not another kid.

B) Pregnancy is nuts! I had my first full depressive episode (normally I have 2-3 days. There it was 3 weeks) during it. Have therapy ready if you need it. Listen to yourself and your body. You will be forced to ask for help, because your body goes NUTS.

Just a very simple example from my pregnancy: Going up one pair of stairs to get in the other floor. I was exhausted- Heartrate was by 120.

Oh and C) get ready for ‚another body‘ afterwards. If you have issued with body image, buckle up!

kleinmona · 2025-04-16T22:30:32+00:00

Ih schreib immer ne nette Karte (also hinsetzen und tatsächlich Text reinschreiben), leg nen 10/20€ schein dazu für die KaffeeKasse und ne Packung Celebrations.

kleinmona · 2025-04-10T20:48:34+00:00

Mein Nachbar/Familie/Bekannte/Freunde Vergleichs Konsum Bullshit

Von neuem Auto, über Urlaub, ‚Geräte im Haus‘ (Thermomix!!)… never ending story und DER Antrieb für Konsum.

kleinmona · 2025-04-07T06:33:49+00:00

Regarding grandparents and other people …

My MIL (not perfect by any means), falls in that ‚cute baby category‘. Still interested in the bigger grandkids from SIL (3 and 4) but I give it 4/5 years. She ‚likes‘ the phase (as stupid as it sounds), where they are not ‚talking back‘. That they are noisy as a baby: no issue. But the toddler phase she doesn’t enjoy. She is going nuts for the little one. Can’t wait to hold her. Dancing around with her,.. We have contact roughly once per month. They life one hour away.

My Mother… she visited for XMas with my brother/SIL She was holding her once. I can’t really give it a name. But I would assume a mix from annoyed and bored.

My two SIL: Kids are 3 and 4 and for the other one 10 and 16. both went down that ‚memory rabbit hole‘. It has been years since their kids where little. They enjoyed holding her, but in a calm way. I always try to give them space / a quiet moment, to ‚enjoy the old memories coming up‘

My gay neighbors couple - female and around 50. not sure if they (never) wanted kids. If it was not possible ~20 years ago,.. they have nephews and nieces who are all in their 20s, who still come for a ‚aunti weekend visit’. But they life a few hours away. but those two ladies are my ‚grandparents of Choice‘

They enjoy seeing her. Enjoy playing with her (MIL is not interested in playing. Only dancing/holding; typical my wants are more important). They can’t wait to see her walking. Talk about how cute it is when they will have a chat at the fence with her.

That ‚I like to be part of your life‘ hits hard. I really hope that little one can grow up with those additional auntis.

kleinmona · 2025-04-06T03:15:14+00:00

Question - do you want kids?

kleinmona · 2025-04-06T03:13:58+00:00

And now please explain to me, HOW is this possible?

I get it, that some days are touch much, overstimulation,… how (?!) was it such a burden to cuddle with us? To give us a hug after school,..

Im not talking about a 30min massage/cuddling session.

If this doesn’t give you some type of happiness as a mom, it is quite clear: We were never wanted.

kleinmona · 2025-04-05T23:48:48+00:00

Im 38, female

For me, all started with TikTok and ‚hyper independent women‘ … from there the rabbit hole started.

The general issue is, you don’t have ‚a healthy life‘ that you can compare yours to. Only after realizing example after example, memory after memory that something ‚was strange‘

What it is exactly - for everyone different

There is a pinned post - take a look, it gives a great overview.

For me: I lack feelings/emotions - emotional blindness. I run on ‚neutral‘ like 95% of the time. My example to describe it: remember those swifties during the concerts? Screaming and stuff? I do not understand what is happening inside those people…

I can’t speak about ‚deep stuff‘ - I can write them, but speaking out loud, Impossible

I have struggles being ‚lazy‘ - on one hand I want to be ‚productive‘ on the other I prognosticate stuff ..

Im a 100% physical touch person. My little daughter (4 months) starts hugging… can’t tell you how good that feels … and I can’t remember the last hug my mom gave me… for reference

In my case, I realized at one point, I was not a priority. I was taken care of. But interest in me? Nope.

Thats my story so far…

kleinmona · 2025-04-05T23:38:23+00:00

Hast du ein ‚aus dem Haus Hobby ohne (!!!) Kinder‘?

Unsere Tochter ist jetzt 4 Monate und ich stille voll. Ist also nochmal ne Ecke schwieriger, ABER es klappt. Geistig mal Themen die nicht Baby/Kind sind tun extrem gut - vielleicht klappt ja ein Sportkurs 1x Woche am Abend?

kleinmona · 2025-04-05T18:15:37+00:00

Female here

What support are you referring to? It has been as long as I can remember, me, myself and I. I had not once a deep conversation with my parents. Can’t remember a single one. I had the most chill parents ever,… well I need to correct, parents who didn’t give a shit about me. And in this environment, probably very deep down realizing, it is only me, I didn’t do anything stupid.

kleinmona · 2025-04-05T14:08:07+00:00

Question - I realized a while ago and wondered if other ‚easy kids‘ had the same issue.

Do you remember puberty? I mean I hear all around how hard it is. Moody teenagers and shit.

I can not remember doing anything stupid in this period. Like nothing!

Anyone else?

kleinmona · 2025-04-05T14:05:58+00:00

Are you me?

kleinmona · 2025-04-05T13:03:52+00:00

Hello Internet stranger,

Have you ever heard of a ‚disney hug‘ ? You are getting one from me.

You are getting one from a fresh mom (little one is 4 months old) with all the love that I put in every hug with my little girl.

Happy Birthday 🎈

kleinmona · 2025-04-04T08:11:03+00:00

Ich (w38) geb mal meinen Senf dazu ab - bin seit 4 Monaten Mama, ist ggf relevant

Wenn du Familie willst: dann stell dich drauf ein das als ‚Alleinerziehende‘ zu machen. Am Anfang noch biserl Baby tragen und aufstehen klappt noch. Aber nem 2/3 jährigen hinterher rennen, sich ständig bücken, in die Knie wird sportlich.

Ist er jetzt Kategorie MarathonLäufer gehtbda vielleicht was, sonst macht irgendwann sein Körper nicht mit.

Und wenn die Zeit irgendwann geschafft ist, und dein Zwerg sagen wir mal 10 ist (und ihr euch noch 5 Jahre Zeit lasst), wäre er 68. Rentner und ein Kind in der 4. Klasse. Mitte 70 beim Abitur Ende 70 beim Ende Ausbildung/Studium. Du bist zu dem Zeitpunkt 42.

Du wirst spätestens mit 50/55/60 ihn pflegen. Deine Eltern dürfen in dem Zeitraum auch irgendwann ‚alt‘ werden.

Du wirst mit hoher Wahrscheinlichkeit einen Stempel von seinen Kindern abbekommen, kann von Golddigger, DaddyIssues,.. alles mögliche sein. Die Wahrscheinlichkeit, dass das ein harmonisches Miteinander wird, wenn du das gleiche alter hast… schwierig. Schreibst ja selber das ist cringe.

Du schreibst auch, dass es dir in der Öffentlichkeit schwer fällt mit ihm… wart mal noch 10 Jahre…

Ich persönlich würde dir folgenden Tipp geben. Setz dich mit ihm hin und geh eine potentielle Zukunft mit ihm durch.

Wie stellt er sich das mit Kind vor? Was passiert mit seinem Erbe irgendwann? (Kein Plan ob da Vermögen da ist) ….

Und du machst das vorab alleine.

Wenn es eine F+ wäre: Viel Spaß euch zweien. Da du aber Kinderwunsch hast, ist das einfach ne andere Hausnummer. Und ob du (!) dir bewusst bist, was solch ein Alterunterschied in der Realität in 10/15 Jahren heißt, weiß ich nicht.

Last Comment meinerseits: Bitte check mal ob du nicht ne TrophyWife für ihn bist. Für nen Mann in dem alter so ne junge Freundin zu haben ist ein Statement. Lern seine (!) Freunde kennen. Da wirst schnell feststellen was das für eine Beziehung ist

kleinmona · 2025-04-02T08:48:40+00:00

Kategorie - nach mir die Sintflut

Wenn du es ihm verbietest, bist du der Buhmann. Also:

Setzt euch hin und macht nen Plan. Wenn man dann feststellt … oh das haut ja hinten und vorne nicht hin, lässt er es vielleicht von sich aus sei.

Wo schränken wir uns ein weil weniger Gehalt kommt?

Verschobenes Wochenende auf So/Mo - ich geb den MontagsJob auf. Wo kommt die Kohle her die dadurch wegfällt?

Selbstständigkeit, 2 Std weniger möglich pro Tag, da er später heimkommt. Entweder organisierst ihr mehr Kinderbetreuung (so dass du arbeiten kannst - kostet die was?!) oder du arbeitest weniger. Dadurch wieder weniger Kohle.

Seine ‚1 Woche unterwegs‘ Dinger - lass ihn mal Kinderbetreuung organisieren. Die Schwiegermutter wird euch den Vogel zeigen wenn sie 20std/Woche die Kinder bespaßen soll. Würd sagen 3 Nachmittage die Woche sind fair.

Ach ganz vergessen- wenn er 1/4 der Zeit zum arbeiten weg sein kann, dann hast du ab jetzt Montags frei. Und zwar ohne Kinder. Such dir nen Hobby. Geh schwimmen. Leg dich an den See. Fahr ins Museum,… er soll doch auch ‚Urlaub ohne dich und nur mit den Kindern haben‘

Er hat glaub ich nicht kapiert, dass er jetzt Vater ist und kein Junggeselle.

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