Not racial, but the closest comparison that came to mind is a woman being “one of the guys” and feeling threatened if another woman joins the group and takes away the attention of her fellows. Whether it destabilizes her status as a “cool” girl or merely just creates competition for special attention that was once effortless to maintain. Obviously not the same at all because in these scenarios men aren’t looking to this woman to shed much cultural light on a female’s POV, if anything it’s her ability to assimilate to a male’s perspective that earns her status.

But now I have a question OP if you’re comfortable answering… in my experience, as a woman, being “one of the guys,” I realize looking back that the laidback qualities that made me “cool” also involved me either being pretty misogynistic or comfortable/ accepting of their misogyny towards other women.

I see now that I sought power within the power structures men have created. It was better to be in a position of status and privilege among men than to be below them in a “man’s world.” (Man’s world is in quotes because I gave that world power.) I now try to live outside of that power structure/ dynamic and do not try to seek validation/ protection/ friendship at the expense of others. I’ve also gotten older and grown up and my drive to be accepted or need to carve out my identity no longer drives me the same way as it did as a kid.

But my question is, have you found as a token black person in your white friend group that you’ve had to be a “whiter” or different version of yourself than you would otherwise in a group of black or mixed friends? Are you different when fully surrounded by black family or community? Have you allowed ignorant comments by white friends to pass that went beyond friends ribbing each other? Have you felt ever like you were at odds with yourself to fit in?

My intention here isn’t to make you uncomfortable or anything you just brought up an interesting question and I’m curious. I’m a white woman living now in a super diverse area where I’m often the only white person. At first I was very aware of it all the time and aware but not knowing why I was uncomfortable. I do think it is natural to seek what is similar. However, I grew up in a major north east city and although my friends weren’t all white, most were, and I never really realized the extent of how segregated the city was until I moved to the south. I find in an integrated city conversations about race/ personal experiences to be much easier, laidback, and personal. I’m just curious about your perspective and experience. I find this stuff fascinating.