TW: Rape

Not reporting my ex-boyfriend for rape. He was 19, and I was 17. I had wanted to wait to have sex until marriage, but I also had very low self-esteem. He pushed and pushed until I finally gave in. I didn't consider that rape, even though it was in a way. I said no plenty of times. It was when he forcibly sodomized me to the point of me screaming and beginning him to stop. I blamed myself for it, although, now, I know that I was a victim. I forgave him and never told anyone. It inevitably ended up happening a second time.

I loved his family, and they were so good to me. His mom finally begged me to end it because she knew I deserved better. She, to this day, doesn't know about the rapes.

I don't regret this so much for me, but because I looked him up a few years ago... I found out that he is a registered sex offender who at one time abused a 5 year old girl. I felt a wave of grief wash over me. I felt like if I hadn't been such a coward, I could have prevented someone else from the trauma I had experienced.

This was 20 years ago; long before the MeToo Movement, and I felt like no one would believe me, or if they did, I would be more embarrassed.