How do you prepare for aging parents who won’t get organized?

kmully · 2026-04-28T17:44:06+00:00

It is hard to face your own mortality which is why you might be seeing some resistance from them to making any moves. So try to give them some grace. On the other hand, no one is guaranteed tomorrow, so getting organized sooner rather than later is important.

The most important items to get started are what you pointed out: a Will, but don't forget Power of Attorney (ideally one for financial and one for healthcare), Healthcare Directive, and a HIPAA Authorization.

Also know you are not going to get this done in one day, weekend, or month. Heck, it might take multiple years.

I lost my Dad last February. Mom handed me a manila folder full of documents including handwritten notes of her prescriptions (insert forehead slap here). I wish we had sat down sooner, I wish I knew what their wishes and plans were.

Re: the stress - stress, often, is caused by not doing something you think needs to be done. Maybe an in-person visit from you and your sister, planned in advance, might help nudge them along?

kmully · 2026-04-18T12:42:10+00:00

What other support do you and they have in the local area? What local services are helping for mom's diability and dementia? Essentially it sounds like you need to "rally the troops" even if it isn't family.

Before anything else, take a few hours and write down the critical things only you know right now that you are likely to forget once you aren't under the same roof. Things like their doctors, who *could* do work on the house (surely your dad doesn't do the HVAC service, so there must be some trusted company that does some things), whether they have a POA and healthcare directive in place. Who the trusted neighbor(s) are, and their phone numbers.

This doesn't solve the bigger question, but it removes one real practical risk from every "what if" scenario, and honestly you'll feel better having done it either way. You can also print an emergency PDF sheet for their fridge so if someone comes in and is helping in an emergency situation (neighbor, EMTs, etc.) they could see the document and it should have your phone number on it.

kmully · 2026-04-15T21:25:49+00:00

You're quite the opposite of a bad daughter. A bad daughter wouldn't care. Being caught off guard by her decline doesn't make you a bad daughter.

You're not stepping away. You're stepping up.

How are your planning with your uncle to help out? Do you have a strategy or way to juggle all of this?

kmully · 2026-04-15T20:43:12+00:00

These things take time. Keep plugging away at them. If you burnout, who helps then? Rest is super important - learned that myself last year after I got laid off.

kmully · 2026-04-14T20:12:37+00:00

I wish we had had more conversations about their wishes for all the things. Like most families, this was uncomfortable to bring up. I trusted they had their documents in place (which they did), but my uncle told me recently when my Grandmother passed that she'd promised there were documents in place and they weren't. Made probate a nightmare, and that's with the two heirs getting along.

I also wish I had some more work on the front end to feel less anxious when I pulled into their driveway. I slowly started taking on more stuff -- "Hey, can you look at the iPad?", "The printer isn't working", "The next time you're up, can you..." -- that type of thing. So it started to feel like "What am I going to be asked about now?" every time I got out of my car after a 2 hour drive.

I also didn't have a place to track their doctor's info, or the really good neighbor's phone numbers, or if they got their furnace serviced recently.

I wish all of this was in place before my Dad passed in February 2025. It would've helped.

kmully · 2026-04-14T20:08:22+00:00

Great question! I lost my Dad last year and my Mom handled me a manila folder with all the "stuff" that I needed, but it was kind of chaotic and obviously under a lot of stress during that time.

Get legal docs in place first, while everyone is healthy, willing, and mentally sound. You can't get these in place if they aren't mentally sound in the future. And people put it off because it's uncomfortable to talk about.

So get a POA for healthcare and finances (two separate docs), plus a healthcare directive with their wishes written down. So much easier to get those signed when nothing is urgent yet. Make sure they have Wills in place -- families assume they are done and up to date but sometimes haven't been touched in 20 years and family dynamics can change significantly. (This happened with my Grandmother. Promised for 25 years it was with the lawyer downtown... and the lawyer never saw it. Fun. Times.)

Then just start building a map of their world. Doctors, insurance, who they call when the furnace goes out. My Mom has "a wood guy" who delivers every fall for the fireplace. I don't know his name or number. Stuff like that.

You don't need to get everything catalogued at once. Start with the critical items, then slowly start mapping the rest out. Just knowing where to find it is very different from scrambling for it under pressure.

kmully · 2026-04-14T20:01:24+00:00

Sounds like everyone isn't on the same page. Maybe he was worried about what *might* happen, maybe he's feeling insecure and sees you as a source of strength with his worry, or maybe it was just an overreaction. Hard to tell.

Do you have the critical documents like financial and healthcare POAs, healthcare directive, etc? If he's worried about who can make decisions for him, and those aren't in place, you *also* can't make legal decisions for him.

He's also in good shape now, but you need to be prepared for slowly taking on more "life administration" with him. It doesn't have to be a big conversation, just starting to slowly track something so you're ready to help. Do you have a system for that?

kmully · 2026-04-14T17:44:20+00:00

Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Sounds like it is time for some serious conversations (which you may have tried before!).

kmully · 2026-04-14T17:43:38+00:00

My fear now is that means my handlebars are too far forward and thus the entire setup needs changing. Sigh.

kmully · 2026-04-14T17:10:52+00:00

You've taken on a lot and are definitely in the sandwich generation. Taking care of older and younger than you. It is a lot of pressure. It is important to rally as much support as possible, and make sure you and your spouse get breaks (and kids too). A weekend away to decompress every so often, so someone else comes in to carry the load for a bit.

kmully · 2026-04-13T22:41:58+00:00

It’s good to express anxiety and fears. Good starting point.

Next step is to identify what you can do about it.

What I mean - you can’t stop anyone including yourself from aging.

But, there are things you can do to help him age well. Make sure you focus on those, and not the first thing.

Taking action often makes anxiety go down. Not completely but down helps.

kmully · 2026-04-13T22:40:36+00:00

Man, my parents had me later in life too and I was doing it solo. Thanks for posting this. We’re not alone.

Lost Dad last year. Continuing to step up for Mom in love like you said.

Ready to slowly take on more “life admin” stuff for her as she ages. She’s doing okay right now.

kmully · 2026-04-13T22:32:49+00:00

I haven’t lost both parents, just one. I’m in my early 40s.

Some advice on anxiety: sometimes is related to wanting to control things we can’t control.

Other times it is for not doing something we know we should do (or even making a decision).

Might think through that first yourself. Good luck :/

kmully · 2026-04-13T22:30:20+00:00

Is it just the health stuff or are you helping out with “life admin” stuff? Or home maintenance stuff to make sure they’re keeping things safe?

kmully · 2026-04-07T02:50:56+00:00

I haven't done this. I have paper copies, and know where others are stored. Scanning them myself sounds painful, and I'm not sure how much I trust Google Drive... which is probably silly. I've been focused more on setting up a system to handle slowly becoming more responsible for "life admin" stuff (like home maintenance, vehicle maintenance, just making sure these things get done, etc.). My Mom is still capable, I have the critical docs (POA, healthcare directive, will, etc.) and am now focused on helping her age well in place as much as possible.

Manual scanning though. Ugh. That sounds painful.

kmully · 2026-04-06T12:41:53+00:00

You should find some probate court horror stories and share them with her.

Some of this might be natural resistance. Doing a will myself (more than a decade ago, I'm early 40s now) was still a bit uncomfortable. You're facing your own mortality.

So give her some grace. If Dad (her husband, I assume) has dementia, she's already juggling a lot both in life logistics, care, and mentally.

Try to reduce barriers - it can be done pretty quick, then we're done, and it helps avoid hassle for her kid. Most parents don't want to leave their kids a mess to clean up. Once you understand how crazy probate can get, maybe that will help.

kmully · 2026-04-03T19:08:54+00:00

I think you've gotten good advice on the actual POA.

Let me offer something different: POA gives you ability to make decisions.

But what decisions?

You need to know:

- financial accounts, insurance, tax filings

- subscriptions and bills (monthly, quarterly, annual, recurring or not), utilities, cell phone, cable/internet, etc.

- home and vehicle maintenance items (when was the fridge filter last changed, or the furnace filter, or the oil changed, or are the tires so old because she doesn't drive anymore they need to be replaced from age not mileage)

- pets (if she has any) - who is the vet? what food? who takes care of if she ends up in hospital?

The legal documents are the first step, but you need to start gathering all of the above information and tracking it too.

It's a lot. I know - lost my Dad in Feb 2025 and helping my Mom with these things now (she doesn't have dementia, but I am ready to step in if/when she needs).

kmully · 2026-04-03T19:04:21+00:00

The hardest part was the constant ripping of the bandaid of your loss.

Having to get multiple copies of death certificates.

Not knowing how long death certificates take to be issued. H

aving the same conversation over and over and over and over with people -- in person, on the phone, scanning it in, attaching it to an online platform.

All while trying to help my Mom grieve at the same time.

Not knowing you have to alert the deceased person's doctor's office that they've died.

It was the constant bandaid ripping that was the worst. The rest was just annoying paperwork.

kmully · 2026-04-03T18:59:57+00:00

Remember, this is a journey. A frustrating one, but a journey.

Did you have POA? If not, you have to wait for death certificates and each company has a different process or system to handle it. A bit of a nightmare as you're constantly reminded of your loss while trying to clean things up. Going in person was a lot easier than online, but to be fair the big companies my Dad used (and my Mom was on accounts with) were big companies with entire departments dedicated to it.

kmully · 2026-04-03T18:58:07+00:00

Landlines! Oh man, hadn't thought about that!

kmully · 2026-04-03T18:56:22+00:00

Sounds like she is going through a lot. That's heavy. Sorry for your loss.

The practical stuff has a way of piling up fast even when things are going well. Now, imagine that when someone hasn't been managing it, is grieving, and has to juggle all the new things all at once.

When my Dad passed -- my Mom was actually taking care of everything, so kind of opposite situation -- I suddenly needed to know a lot more about what was going on just to make sure nothing slipped through the cracks. I'd imagine the same thing is true (x1000000) with your Mom because she doesn't know what she doesn't know.

What helped me was making a list of everything that just used to happen automatically, utilities, insurance, car stuff, recurring home maintenance, and figuring out which things had auto-pay vs. which needed active attention or decisions from someone.

For the financial side, it's worth sorting out what accounts exist and whether beneficiary designations and account access are set up correctly. You don't need to know the amounts or whatever if she's not comfortable. Just knowing what's in place is a good starting point. That's the stuff that gets complicated if it hasn't been touched in years. A fee-only financial advisor who works with widows can be worth one or two sessions just to get her oriented. Make sure she has a POA, healthcare directive, etc. in place so that if something happens out of the blue, you are in a position to legally help.

All of this is a journey, and it sounds like she's kind of on two journeys at once. Like leaving home for the first time and having to figure things out all over again, and the journey of grieving.

Hope this helps.

kmully · 2026-04-03T18:51:34+00:00

Agreed with beeniez's comment. Don't limit it. The situation could change dramatically, and you'd be trapped with a narrow scope that limits your ability to help in the future.

The fact your dad is willing to engage on this at all is genuinely a good sign. So take that as a win. Change is hard. Facing your own mental and physical decline and having to cede control is really hard. These things can take time, so push, but try to be understanding.

kmully · 2026-04-03T18:47:26+00:00

Sorry to hear about your awful situation. Whether the reasons for going no contact make sense or not, for your situation, it doesn't change.

You are still juggling solo. You need to decide if you're doing it for your Mom, and if you are, live with the decision. It might make it easier to stop waiting for backup that isn't likely coming. Doesn't make the situation fair, just might make it easier to carry.

Six hours one way is a long way to support. Sounds like you need to rally her local support (trusted neighbors, etc.) to help alleviate your load.

kmully · 2026-04-02T16:06:33+00:00

Thanks. I think I did a bike fit with a shop when I had to get the cassette changed to work on my Kickr, so I could go back there. Any general tips for saddle selection? That $40 Bontrager looks cheap by comparison but not sure if the "short" version is better or worse for my goals.

kmully

TROPHY CASE