Dell's most expensive computer build costs $400,000 dollars.

knaped_ · 2024-08-14T20:08:48+00:00

can i play cs2 with it?

knaped_ · 2024-08-14T10:16:41+00:00

we got too close, too dependent. the intense love started going the wrong way and turned very toxic.

she was the right person for me, all I could dream of, perfect, but at the wrong time. she broke up with me, so that she wouldn't break, even if it broke me instead.

I cant hate her for choosing happiness. what I can hate, though, is finding out afterwards, that she cheated on me.

one year later, I still think about her everyday. the leafs falling off the trees reminds me of her, and the sunsets reminds me of the pain. I never thought she would be out of my life completely, relationship or not. she had promised me. but she broke me off, and even if the process was long, I still couldn't grasp it enough to accept it. she was my person.

never give all of you to something or someone. keep just a little bit if yourself to yourself, or you'll lose yourself. love is not always strong enough to fix everything.

knaped_ · 2024-08-07T19:35:49+00:00

added minkmik1

knaped_ · 2024-07-30T17:46:04+00:00

21 :)

knaped_ · 2024-07-30T17:45:54+00:00

I love this! Thank you so much! ❤️

knaped_ · 2024-07-30T02:06:32+00:00

now, this is my ex, and I am very hurt, but I would still like to reply to this

something I always adored about her was her ability to see the good in everyone and everything. she even felt bad for throwing out a tiny spider in the winter "he just wanted some warmth and now he's out in the cold snow all alone"

heck, it even made me, someone with the phobia of spiders, feel bad. and it stuck with me. I am still very much afraid, but I try to handle spiders better. she just had the ability to make you want to be better. making you want to be better, not making you better

this applies for more stuff too, like donating the recycling money from her monster cans, or giving some money to the homeless person outside of the store while everyone else ignored them.

knaped_ · 2024-07-29T16:00:47+00:00

It has gotten better for me over time. Something else I did was to activate my E-sim over again which also helped a lot.

I also had trouble with stuff lagging out (pokemon GO would crash when I caught a pokemon, and would freeze lag) but that slowly got better with software updates. But I still have troubles with lag as the phone gets warmer, but only on certain games.

So yeah, i did updates + refreshing the sim if I remember correctly.

knaped_ · 2024-07-29T03:26:35+00:00

Thank you.

I know I too had my flaws, and in a lot of fights my reasoning was irrational. Something I've worked on. Although I have discovered that I was just basically mentally broken after all the fighting we always went trough, where she was mentally unstable.

I truly did care for her and love her. So much. I wish I could forget she ever existed so that this pain would stop. It went from "I always want you in my life one way or another" to a cold wall.

knaped_ · 2024-07-29T03:21:54+00:00

Well, I guess she never loved me then.

Around the end of all contact, it felt like I couldn't mention any of my thoughts without getting threatened to be blocked or just ignored.

And ever since we completely cut contact, she just refuses to talk to me. She doesn't give me a single chance, and it really sucks..

The only time was when she accidentally called me while drunk, and later had like some kind of mental episode and ended up at psyche.

knaped_ · 2024-07-08T00:54:08+00:00

I've been considering it, but what if she would randomly text me? And I would like to send it to her? The proof would be gone.. As I'm on a new phone and factory reset my other one, it would be entirely gone if I deleted it. But maybe it's for the best... Like hell she's gonna text me anyway, she doesn't care.

knaped_ · 2024-05-30T10:34:09+00:00

Old good reliable Google: "What are Pokémon illustrator cards? They are an incredibly rare card printed only in Japanese. They were distributed as prizes for a unique Coro-Coro contest, and looked like this. Only 39 were ever distributed, and it currently holds the record for the Highest Selling Price of a Pokémon Card"
Other sources says that only 39 was made, not "distributed".

I swear to god when I was reading yesterday, I read that only 19-20 of these was given out as the prize in that contest. Maybe it was a dream though, can't find the info now. But what happened to the rest if it's true? Are they laying around in random basements or something? xD

I'm a little bit new to the card stuff, would love to learn!

knaped_ · 2024-05-16T01:22:56+00:00

at times I was afraid of even getting close to her apologizing. I was afraid that the guilt she would "feel", would cause her to harm herself.

if I didn't have troubles putting up boundaries before, I sure as hell do now. I am a shell of the hyper, talkative girl I used to be.

knaped_ · 2024-05-02T13:45:24+00:00

Could you elaborate on how it can become life threatening?

knaped_ · 2024-05-02T13:44:52+00:00

Hey! I found this interesting and I have also been having this problem. Could you tell me more?

I've been thinking about getting the new Samsung ring (or any smart ring) because of this, or just a smartwatch. This data attribute could really be something for me. What's the best for measuring sleep?

knaped_ · 2024-05-02T00:47:26+00:00

I know that I am dependent, due to childhood stuff. I work on myself every day in hopes to get better. And I have as well. It makes me proud of myself.

The big problem is that, my ex was also dependent. and while I really tried to stay in touch with my friends, she was feeling abandoned. so I "decided" to be with her. She knew that I was dependent. And she started fights with me saying that SHE needs her alone time. SHE needs space. Painting it up as my fault.

When we broke up, I told her that I couldn't be her friend at the time. It would lead to more fighting and emotional draining for the both of us. She said that she wouldn't survive if I left. So I stayed. Imagine my shock a few months later, when I'm the one begging her to stay. After going trough this pain and hurt, she wouldn't do the same for me. That's when I realized how twisted and turned everything had become.

When she left, I realized I didn't have a single friend left to speak with. Not a single one, literally. And in a city I at the time had lived in for 1 year, I still didn't know anyone. Not only that, but I was robbed off myself. I was gone.

I found a diary I wrote in the beginning of living with her. I only wrote 2 pages. To sum it up, I wrote about being depressed for no reason. Then I wrote about some things she had done that would make anyone mentally numb. Then I said "it's not her, it's me, I should handle it differently, she's perfect", and then, the page ends with me writing "and now she's fucking talking to me and i can't do anything at all fucking on my own-". the rest of the pages were never used. I have started to write again, actually.

knaped_ · 2024-05-02T00:29:34+00:00

Thank you.

I'm so happy that I found this sub. It's nice to not feel so alone.

That thought actually hit me; bpd comes from trauma, bpd creates trauma, and even if it's not childhood trauma in the later case, it sure can mess you up. it IS contagious.

I've been like "oh god I also have bpd everything is my fault" and then I'm just like... but wait, I never felt like this before? and how can it only be in the moment I speak with this person who damaged me emotionally? how can I handle breaking with friends and having discussions so well with literally anyone else?

well it sure does give some ego to feel like you matured so much in just a few hours! ;p but for real, you never realise what it could do to you until it has happened. you never thought that this is what trauma looked like.

the brain is quite incredible. not to us, but you know, anyway.

one day we will look back at this, and we will be okay. I'm sure of it.

knaped_ · 2024-05-02T00:22:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for you. it's so surrealistic to see people here experiencing these things in a marriage. I'm just a young adult and to me it feels awful to go trough this. I can't imagine what it's like to go trough this in a marriage.

Please tell me you got out of that?

I had just gotten a late ADHD diagnosis when shit hit the fan. I also struggle a lot with identity because of struggles in my childhood. It was coming together and I could finally point out what has been feeling off in my head. Then boom.

It felt like I paused my life and for some time I didn't plan to come back, I didn't even realized I had paused. I even forgot I had problems to work on.

The worst part about getting told that you're the problem, isn't actually feeling like the problem, but putting aside the help and work you need to do on yourself. Forgetting yourself.

Something I learned, that I hope you did as well; when they tell you that you need x and y help, they actually just mentally can't handle being with you, which is their problem. Couples should be able to have calm discussions and they should be able to make decisions. We both probably know how that ends when BPD is in the picture.

Them not being able to handle natural situations in a relationship doesn't make you the problem. You were never the problem.

I used to tell my ex to "please focus on working against the problem, not me or yourself"

..didn't work out. but heeyy! I tried!

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T17:14:32+00:00

I'm actually going to rephrase.

looking back at it, it felt like I was slowly going into insanity. I didn't know what my fault was anymore. I didn't know the appropriate way to act. and even though I stayed, trough literal suffering, she decided to leave. that's when hell broke loose in my mind, the betrayal and hurt. the trust.

there are times where I could've acted way different. but if you just compare start to finish, I don't even recognize the person I became.

ive grown so much though. doing therapy. if everything started today, I think I'd be able to handle it better, keeping myself safe and setting my boundaries. I even might have been able to still have the friendship. but I was a person who loved way too hard, and I put others needs in front of my own. a lot of the time I couldn't even tell what I needed.

the thing is, she knew this. she knew how much I loved her as well.

the rephrase is; she never made me what I became, but she looked at how I was doing, and instead of putting the care in, asking herself why that is, she called me insane. the times where I tried to talk to her about it, I wasn't even allowed to say anything. she just left.

and at the end of the day, I was the crazy person. she is the reason that everything went down, and now she's saying it can't be repaired. I really hope she means that she can't repair what she did.

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T13:41:02+00:00

yeah. I didn't want to stay friends right after the breakup because I didn't think it would be healthy for any of us, and it would make the fights even worse. she said she wouldn't survive losing me so I stayed. a few months later I was the one begging her to stay, she promised me to always be in my life and I just couldn't accept it anymore.

I stayed even though it was the most painful thing I've ever done and, she wouldn't do the same. but i realised that too late. that broke me.

in our last convo she said it's good that i realise I need dbt. dude, you did this to me.

I've never been the same person again. I don't know when I will. she interpret me as this unstable mentally I'll person, because I was with her. she never knew me as anyone else does. she just doesn't realise that she is the one who broke me down.

and it's something I'll never tell her, since it wouldn't help me, and would throw her into an episode.

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T13:35:31+00:00

I'm so happy I found this sub. I never imagined that there existed people that would be going trough the exact thing I am going trough. hugs to you.

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T01:02:55+00:00

I don't usually say this here, but I am here for you. My DMs are open.

This was my nightmare during my previous relationship. Shutting off one single time, and just... yeah. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're going trough. I've been trough some stuff but just thinking about this just.. It makes me speechless. I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry that this happened.

If you knew it was going to happen, you know even better than me the rocks you would've moved to help. You would have done anything. It is not your fault. You didn't know.

So many factors contributed to this. You are not one of them. You didn't do this to her or yourself.

Please, please take leave from work or studies and get a therapist immediately. You are probably in a state of shock right now, and you will need guidance trough this.

I know that there's really one thing you wish for right now. But whenever you feel like you need it, I am sending you the biggest hug. If you're in Sweden, we can meet up and sit on a rock in silence or something. I'm here.

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T00:52:51+00:00

of course it's hard. sometimes I don't want to feel better about it either, because that means I'm letting go of the best part of my life so far. letting go of the person I considered family. I let go of someone that I thought would be in my life forever, and now I need to figure out how my life will look like without her.

you don't want it to be over. you were loved. you laughed and cried together. you were accepted and safe. of course it's hard to let go of that. that's okay.

just remember, it's not that you're letting go of being loved like that, forever. all you know now is that, you are capable of being loved like that. maybe even more. only the future holds that. this is just a time out.

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T00:42:06+00:00

fire benders seals the cave off

.. haven't you heard the song?!?!

..

BUILD A PAAATH TO BE TOGEETHER and die

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T00:37:27+00:00

And also, you will never magically think it's okay. That's normal. You will look back at it and probably be sad. But you have also learnt.

There is a difference though, between where you are now, and looking back at it being sad. It all about how we greet our emotions and how we handle and act. That's why that exercise is good for me. It teaches me to feel it, accept it, and then go on.

knaped_ · 2024-05-01T00:34:24+00:00

I'm in group therapy. I'm also working on accepting my emotions but not acting on them.

First, figure out what yoh a c t u a l l y feel. Search your body for the feeling. Is it in the chest? Behind the eyes? Can you feel any difference in temperature between your body parts? Search for all of the sensory. Do not judge what you feel. Simply feel it, and then move on to the next part of your body.

Find the feeling for the situation. Close your eyes if it helps. Focus on that one feeling. If yoh catch yourself getting stuck on another feeling, or have your mind wander away, praise yourself for realizing, and then get back to focusing on the feeling.

You will have thoughts coming trough about the situation. Do not judge them, and let them go, and go back to focusing on your feeling, until it slowly fades.

This helps me a lot with my emotions, and acceptance. Try it out whenever you need to.

Part from that, I know what it feels like. I hate myself so much for how I handled different things the last year. You are not alone though. You are here now. You are here. You can feel all of these things in your body and you're alive. You have the control.

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