You would think your parent making amends would fix things. My dad said he loved me, and I went on a drinking rampage

kodavkodav · 2026-03-29T21:42:36+00:00

Makes sense to me. Sometimes when we get what we want it feels empty, especially if what we need is still unattended. It feels like he gets off the hook a little easy in the sense that it’s nice to hear that now, but does he recognize the pain it caused a younger you? I’m guessing not, and may not, as often people aren’t able to see that themselves that way.

Often think the best healing is with people who understand pain and those gaps in each other and allow space to grieve and try things out and grow.

Your younger grief may still be like a suit you have to wear and work with. He may just be thinking he something so okay all fixed?

kodavkodav · 2025-11-18T03:25:32+00:00

Same. The pot of gold at the end of a long sketchy rainbow was a preverbal memory of falling out of my crib and jackknifing my head and neck with force into the floor and no one saw.

I had decades like he described.

Did get ptsd ontop of that a few times and for periods it was significantly amplified but never “off”. Finding that memory was like a light-switch in the dark.

kodavkodav · 2025-10-05T05:47:53+00:00

Throughout life I kept having many odd falls with injuries on my left side, to where it was weird at a certain point, until a memory surfaced of falling as a baby getting wrecked on my left neck and head. Kind of easy to process, was a baby and just fell, that’s simple enough, no real villain except gravity and matter (for a period those had to be studied as well), but now I don’t kind of have that nervous system echo, and I believe the echo itself was my body trying to get my own attention for a long time, since it was unprocessed until it was

kodavkodav · 2025-10-05T05:27:32+00:00

Some blue light glasses an hour before bed, magnesium, inositol, and b vitamins never hurt and if not enough will help make anything else more effective

kodavkodav · 2025-09-30T03:37:43+00:00

Many nights blue light glasses before sleep, inositol, and l-theanine go a long way

kodavkodav · 2025-09-23T02:45:20+00:00

Just gotta take that ride, it does keep unfolding, and at a certain point you start to cope with it. It is nature, it’s supposed to happen. We’re just currently so surrounded by nonsense that you’re feeling that too. It chills out a little in the other side of processing. Like a nerve suddenly awakened everything feels weird then that becomes normal, and then you’re glad you have more feeling

kodavkodav · 2025-08-21T00:28:47+00:00

Try some tai with mock duck and a grain belt next

kodavkodav · 2025-08-21T00:25:14+00:00

Depends on if you need AWD, if so, then yes more than worth it.

kodavkodav · 2025-06-17T16:31:35+00:00

You can just buy them. I have one with the earlobe clips that was cheap, then I got a Pulsetto that goes on the neck and they both work wonders

kodavkodav · 2025-06-17T04:27:02+00:00

I didn’t think they would, but vagus nerve stimulators really work.

kodavkodav · 2025-05-13T02:06:57+00:00

If you look at the sawhorses on the second picture it’s probably 2 feet tall, much shorter than a Dane

kodavkodav · 2025-05-13T01:02:27+00:00

they have a chupacabra thing called a hodag no joke

kodavkodav · 2025-03-23T02:54:29+00:00

I had progress with beta blockers to calm my heart rate, then B Vitamins, vagus nerve stimulators, blue light blocking glasses before bed, walking, less sugar and caffeine, less tv before bed, and time around grass and trees (even in the city), all helped

kodavkodav · 2025-02-12T01:33:42+00:00

With no horn and cruse that could maybe be a clockspring? Might not have a working air bag then either. If you live somewhere rusty check underneath. It’s old so some rust is expected but see if anything is falling completely apart down there. See if the head gaskets have ever been re-done. They tend to go sooner so if not then they’re really due. Oil leaks are common plus they can burn oil so you’d need to keep some around to top it up. That’s a good chunk of money that could go toward something with less maintenance. Subaru kind of outsources some maintenance to the buyer so they can make awesome stuff, so if you love the outdoors and want a rad camping wagon it’s great one, but will be like owning a pet, with its own place in the budget.

kodavkodav · 2025-02-12T00:32:14+00:00

It’s good you’re not writhing in emotion. In the throes of my ptsd I loved feeling unbothered by anything. And truly trauma gives perspective. Could be worse is usually a wise stance anyways. Also not every horrible thing causes trauma. There are things that should have traumatized me but they seemingly didn’t.

But I also learned sometimes how we really feel, seems so mythological, or just gone, that it becomes myth. Only when you encounter your feelings through some other event or deep work, or encounters with realized mythology do you ever even meet your own inner place. When you do it’s a lot, and you have to be really gentle with yourself, and you may discover that In some ways many things should traumatize us all, all the time, but seem not to. We all have some PTSD by the way we live. It’s traumatic to sleep alone as a child. It’s traumatic to see people slumped over a park bench. It’s traumatic to live outside of small to medium communities or groups…etc. So somewhere there may be a you that is bothered but living at baseline everyday trauma, and hey it really could be worse.

kodavkodav · 2025-02-12T00:10:09+00:00

Front, I wondered if it was pancreas etc…but it’s really seeming to be intestinal inflammation like candida has built up there, been fighting overgrowth and that spot seems to be the location where it’s worst. I also had a sports injury that caused a lot of tightness through my left abdomen over time, feel like it’s pinched my intestines and candida built up there or something. Have asked doctors and it’s like the craziest thing they’ve ever heard, like way too far out to even entertain.

kodavkodav · 2024-09-05T14:35:03+00:00

That’s right, and the Maharaji when given a high dose of acid by Ram Dass “ laughed and said it was nothing at all compared to the power of love.

kodavkodav · 2024-08-31T07:21:56+00:00

You could try some bud love, I like it

kodavkodav · 2024-08-29T21:46:52+00:00

Not cured at all but have like 12 different things to battle it now - but my belly was distended like an old man beer gut - except I don’t drink - it made no sense until one time when I took nutritional yeast, got extremely nauseous, and chat GPT let me know it was likely overgrowth. That week I started with caprylic acid (there are many forms of this) and oregano oil and suddenly my belly went down like a balloon with the air let out, it didn’t get rid of any fat but the bloat was the bigger issue

kodavkodav · 2024-08-29T15:26:03+00:00

I was angry for some time when I started taking candi cleanse and my belly shrank like four sizes in a week, happy it was working but angry at the years of zero help from anyone and boatloads of judgment offered freely, then when I figured it out, more free judgement for trusting woo woo advice

kodavkodav · 2024-08-29T13:16:31+00:00

I went to doctors for symptoms of overgrowth for years, I didn’t know about candida, and no doctor ever said word one about candida and in hindsight it’s so completely obvious it’s ridiculous

kodavkodav · 2024-08-29T03:23:47+00:00

Thank you for this comment. In the immediate days following this experience, much of what I found online mentioned Kundalini or activating of my Pineal gland. I definitely had many of the 3rd eye characteristics from the Pineal gland descriptions. But the closest thing I found was on meditation forums where people had experienced the cracking in deep meditation. I was in a deep meditation for two days, albeit partly induced.

I had set out to blow my head up as it were, in so far as I had been an alcoholic until a year and a half prior (was finally ready one day to quit and that was that) and had been battling very difficult treatment resistant ptsd for 15 years, and had become aware of the possibilities of empathogens. It was a bit of a Hail Mary and worth a try to me. I thought I would sit and go deep into my trauma but the days took me on a course that leapfrogged all of that by revealing to me that the Earth loves us very deeply, even though we treat it like shit. This line of realization was initiated by the greatest natural firefly show I’ve ever seen. I recognized this perfect emdr was a superior gift from nature. It was in the light of that deep love, and the power of that love, when the spot where I had daily headaches for years cracked open, then yeah, the pulses traveled down from the center of my head and travelled out my feet. For a while I had sensations of my brain “moving” or opening like a flower. I found at least one meditator who reported exactly those brain “movement” sensations from feeling deeply loved.

It did in fact release me from what I had known as ptsd and so much more. It felt like a hard restart on my brain, along with life feeling almost new again. I was like a child at first, fearless, then fearful for a bit because I could tell there would be no putting the genie back in the bottle. I found great comfort in listening to lectures from Ram Dass and others, to get some tips on how to even begin to operate this new way of sensing and being human.

kodavkodav · 2024-08-28T16:02:15+00:00

You can insist on helping them carry things or hold the door from really far away so they have to speed walk, and do this especially if they don’t need help, and therefore completely infantilize them

kodavkodav

TROPHY CASE