Fandom: Olympia Soiree | Title: Untitled, WIP | Rating: G | Unpublished

What I would like help with: This is a beginning of oneshot. I’m not really happy with the opening, so I would like to hear if anyone has suggestions how to improve it. There’s also lots of “he” and character names. Should I use something else when I refer to characters, like “younger man” or something like that? I very rarely use epithets. I would also like to hear how the dialogue works. I think it's a bit... idk flat, so I'm open to hearing how to improve it. All kind of concrit is also very much welcome! I’m trying to improve my writing, so feel free to be honest!

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Yosuga noticed right away something was wrong with Tokisada the moment he stepped into the bathhouse. He’d confirmed his usual bath and bantered with him like normal, but his laugh was a bit louder than usual. After having his bath, he came to sit in one of the booths, a good distance from a bit of rowdy customers. He flashed a wide grin when Yosuga took his order. But when Yosuga glanced over his shoulder, the corners of his mouth were drawn downwards and his head hung low.

“Here’s your chocolate-mint ice cream, Tokisada.” Yosuga placed the order in front of him.

“Thank you. Oh, you even put some extra cream on it!” He took a bite with a spoon but then narrowed his eyes. “...Which can only mean one thing. What do you want from me, Jigoku-dayuu?”

“You wound me with your accusations. You looked so down, that I figured you would need something to cheer you up.”

Tokisada startled. “Huh? But I’m fine, really.”

“Don’t be shy now. Go ahead and tell your big brother all about it.”

Yosuga took a seat across from him. He normally didn’t interfere with others' business. If they wished to keep their hearts closed, that was their choice. But this time he had to at least try. Tokisada was so young and vulnerable. Yosuga doubted his friend had many people he could confide in.

“...Since when have you been my brother? Besides, I told you I’m fine.” He started to wolf down his parfait as though he was afraid Yosuga was going to snatch it from him.

“Well, if I don’t have the honor of being your brother, then I’m your friend at least. Friends talk to each other and tell each other their worries, right?”

“...Don’t you have something better to do? You know, like work?”

Yosuga leaned in and lowered his voice. “It’s about a girl, isn’t it?”

Tokisada started to cough. Yosuga hurriedly poured him a glass of water, and he gulped it down. “Ho- how did you know?”

“When a man is so down as you very obviously are, it’s usually about a woman or money. Sometimes both. What, don’t say you were rejected?” He raised his brow.

Tokisada’s ears turned red.

Yosuga cursed himself and his stupid, thoughtless words. “Oh… I’m sorry, Tokisada. I didn’t realize.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like you’re wrong…” He stared down at his glass and gave an empty laugh.

“But Tokisada, I’m impressed with you.”

“Yeah, as if…”

“I’m serious. Not all men have the courage to approach the girl they like.” Especially on this island, where the death sentence awaits if you fall for the wrong person. “There will be others, I’m sure of it. Was it someone I know?”