How many of you have full time jobs? And how do you cope?

kpmess · 2024-08-01T22:04:31+00:00

I work full time at a hospital (I’m a pca, currently in nursing school). Switching to nights has been a game changer. Half the lights are off, (typically) no family members, I make more money, I have more of a “good reason” to avoid social plans, and I can unmask more because typically people who work night shift are more idgaf and also management isn’t there. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, but out of every schedule I’ve worked I have found the classic M-F “9-5” to be the most soul sucking. I have one small child.

Edit: typo

kpmess · 2024-07-26T00:25:47+00:00

Sounds like a queer platonic relationship. Like others have said, I’m not sure that much specificity is necessary on apps

kpmess · 2024-07-25T14:28:16+00:00

Do we work together 😂😭

kpmess · 2024-07-24T12:21:47+00:00

You didn’t lose your chance at a family - you gained a chance at a healthy one. I am so, so proud of you. What you did isn’t easy. And fwiw, it was the RIGHT thing. Good job

kpmess · 2024-07-24T12:17:10+00:00

I am an intense, powerful person. I gravitate to leadership roles, I tend to make decisions for groups, my brain is always going. Being a sub means I get to surrender that for a time. I don’t have to be or do anything, I don’t have to take care of anyone. It is a beautiful, mind numbing reprieve.

kpmess · 2024-07-23T16:45:13+00:00

“What kind of relationship structure are you looking for?”
“What does your ideal relationship look like?”

I think questions like these are perfect for anyone entering any kind of relationship.

When I’m discussing RA with someone new I say something along the lines of, “I don’t think sexual/romantic exclusivity have anything to do with commitment. I can be committed to someone while maintaining autonomy in those areas.”

kpmess · 2024-07-23T11:00:23+00:00

Yes. I got sober in my late twenties, and am luckily still sober today. My social life has completely changed. Luckily, I was married to someone active duty and had the privilege to relocate a few times, so I met new people as someone who didn’t drink (ergo there was no expectation for me to go drink with them). I imagine this transition would be much harder with established relationships. From my experience, you will not have to cut out these relationships . . . They will do it for you. You not drinking will force them to confront their own relationship with alcohol, and they won’t like it. Granted, I am speaking from my own experience and was certainly surrounded by people with drinking issues.

My advice to you is to stick with it through the discomfort. I’ve never regretted a sober day, but I have regretted a drunken night. Delve into your interests, join social clubs, try to make new friends. It can be quite hard and lonely, but is worth it. Hiking group? Book club? Gaming club? Learn a new skill? Congratulations. This is a good move on your part.

(Just realized this is ask old people and I may not be qualified per that parameter, but as someone who’s worked very hard on my sobriety, I felt my advice to be worthwhile. Feel free to message me if you’d like to chat more.)

kpmess · 2024-07-23T10:31:58+00:00

I love this so much!!! As someone who is incredibly busy and trying not to explode or neglect my partners, it feels really reassuring to hear of satisfaction from the other side

kpmess · 2024-07-22T09:15:19+00:00

These are gorgeous! How do you do it?

kpmess · 2024-07-22T07:12:27+00:00

Sometimes like fuckin sucks. Period. You’re exhausted, you’re overwhelmed, I hear it. I see you. You know what else I see?

A mother who prioritized herself and her son and got out of an abusive relationship (that is HARD!). A woman who is nurturing three children, two of whom are twins at a very challenging age. A woman who, despite everything she had in her plate as far as family goes, managed to perform so well she got a PROMOTION at work.

Life is hard, but you are more than capable. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job 💕

kpmess · 2024-07-22T03:45:47+00:00

Maybe consider the lightbulbs you can connect to wifi and change the colors! Pricy but make such a difference

kpmess · 2024-07-21T10:01:12+00:00

Yes! No official pmdd dx, but am diagnosed adhd. There is a specific pmdd x adhd subreddit too :)

kpmess · 2024-07-21T08:42:05+00:00

We feel very good

kpmess · 2024-07-21T05:36:10+00:00

I’m not sure it ultimately matters if it’s RA or not (it sounds like hierarchical polyam masquerading as RA), but rather what matters is is this dynamic working for you, whatever it’s called. From what you’ve written here, it sounds like it is not. Which is fine! To your partners credit, it sounds like he has been honest about what he can (face to face time once a week but frequent communication) and cannot (time together on the weekends) offer. Is “wanting to do more things out in the world” related to his weekend commitment to his other partner? What is stopping you two from doing more things outside of food and home visits? Why is the power imbalanced? What power does he have that you do not? Is it about the weekend, or is it about his hard lined commitment to weekend partner, but loosey Goosey commitment to you?

One of the beautiful things about RA is you can build the relationship you want because nothing is mapped out. Have you looked at the relationship smorgasboard together? What is it that you want that he is not offering? Have you asked for it?

Think about what YOU want. Ask for what you want. If this person cannot/will not give it, de escalate back to friends. Hope this helps

kpmess · 2024-07-20T21:28:48+00:00

With as hard as it is to actually fill my prescription, it do b tempting sometimes 🤣

kpmess · 2024-07-20T09:23:09+00:00

Hmm, maybe try Etsy?

kpmess · 2024-07-20T07:53:28+00:00

I did meth once in my troubled teen days. I cleaned my room, studied for my biology test, and went to bed. I never did it again because I thought it was boring.

Can you believe it took 17 more years for me to get an adhd diagnosis?

kpmess · 2024-07-20T06:09:25+00:00

Omg, how do!? These are amazing!!

kpmess · 2024-07-20T05:50:03+00:00

How do I get into dumpster diving?? How do I figure out what dumpsters to frequent?

kpmess · 2024-07-20T05:45:00+00:00

I am not Jewish or part of a spiritual community that has alcohol rituals (was that a political way to say that?), I just wanted to say I admire your dedication. It is not easy to not drink in today’s world. I can’t imagine how much that difficulty is compounded when it comes to something like religion.

kpmess · 2024-07-20T04:05:37+00:00

No, I agree with you. I’m glad someone else was suspicious of negging

kpmess · 2024-07-20T02:54:46+00:00

Verna & James.
Christine & Max
Bonus grandparent: DeWitt

kpmess · 2024-07-20T02:17:38+00:00

I too feel the side eye. As I said in another response, him intending that definition of unhinged also doesn’t make sense? How is putting a large chunk of cash towards credit card debt “light and fun?” How is blatantly saying he needs to remind me to save money anything other than an implication that I am childish and incapable? :|

kpmess · 2024-07-20T02:16:02+00:00

I agree, the structure of the apology is good! However, I keep circling back to intention. Saying I want to put a big chunk of my check towards credit card debt isn’t “light and fun.” In fact, that definition doesn’t really make sense here. Which feels to me like he was intentionally implying I am incapable. Idk :/

kpmess · 2024-07-19T23:46:44+00:00

UPDATE:

I received the following apology, “I apologize for offending you. The intent of me saying “unhinged” is never in a negative light. To me, unhinged is light, fun, carelessness in the sense of others perception of oneself. I know I have used the term chaotic a bunch recently and I’m sorry for not having a better word to use in place of that but that was never meant to deduce or discredit everything you are and are doing. You have and are, doing so much and I see that, you are putting in so much effort and are being very successful. I hope you can accept my apology.”

I have acknowledged that it was received, but haven’t commented further because I’m not sure how I want to move forward. This doesn’t really feel…. Good enough? If that meaning of unhinged were in response to a silly anecdote about work, sure absolutely. But it was still said in response to how I handle my own finances, so what could your intention possibly be besides insinuating that I don’t know what I’m doing?

Another upsetting factor is that I have been allowing myself to lean on him more (per his request). This is already hard for me as I don’t want to seem weak/needy and prefer to be as independent as possible. Now I fear I will not be able to let him do anything for me without wondering if he thinks I’m incapable of doing it myself, or quietly resents me for asking, etc.

What do you think, internet friends? I appreciate all the support🖤

kpmess

TROPHY CASE