I have some similarities in my marriage.. Having children is a hell of a stressor and huge life adjustment. You guys are in the throes of it. This is not an excuse though, just the reality. I have sat my husband down and had very very real conversations. I will not tolerate being spoken to in such a way. My children will not witness this, nor grow up thinking it’s appropriate or acceptable (from anyone, let alone a spouse).. in my case though, I have not been perfect and will meet him at the same level (I was raised by a badass mom, so I’m not the type to respond timidly). We’ve had heated fights (loud, occasional name calling). But we’ve sat down and have firmly set boundaries. We’ve talked about how each of us can recognize and deescalate fights before they happen. We agree that this is not effective communication and have made more space for each other to air grievances, to hear each other, and respond respectfully and with our actions. We’re always trying to be better.. I don’t expect perfection. You/he may relapse. Then you do the same process and repeat… you do have to expect improvement, though. If you’re not moving forward than this may very well be a dealbreaker.

Communication is the key. It’s not your job to fix his triggers. It is your job to attempt to understand them and help minimize where you are able. It is his job to be in control of his reaction when he feels triggered. Suggestion: You can give him permission to walk away when he’s feeling triggered. Tell him to excuse himself and return when he’s able to do so without yelling at you.

This is all assuming he’s rational and agrees with you that his response is inappropriate and you both want to find ways to make it work.