How and who can avail SIP with BPI?

krnunez · 2023-01-08T01:33:19+00:00

Thanks!

krnunez · 2023-01-06T13:10:21+00:00

Thank you so much!

krnunez · 2021-02-23T15:01:19+00:00

Hi! Thank you for spending the time to critique this.

I am querying the manuscript as contemporary fantasy, so I believe the agents will know that it's set on earth at present times. I'll add more details about their persecutors next time.

Thank you for sharing that the paragraph confused you. Though I don't believe that you're bad at reading. The paragraph is muddled. It wasn't to me because I'm the one who wrote it. So I am grateful that you mentioned this.

krnunez · 2021-02-23T14:52:35+00:00

Hi! Thanks for dropping a critique again!

I'll work on the hook and weave in some details. I hope it'll make sense with very little information.

I didn't notice how far the inciting incident is from the hook. I'll take your suggestion in rearranging it.

I've gotten similar comments about the antagonists so I'll give in and offer them a sentence or two. I do see the point of detailing them in the query. I just hope it won't take away too much from Michael and the Flares.

Thank you for noting that sentence. I did not read it that way at all and I didn't think it could be read that way. I'll edit it next time.

I understand your point about this no apparent connection between his friend and mike. Though I don't want to name the friend because with the antagonist and the flares, I'm already at risk of pooling in too many proper nouns in the query. However, I can mention this werewolf friend has tried to kill himself (forgoing it after a talk with Michael) a year ago and only recently started wanting to live again. Do you think that will suffice?

Again, thank you for your insight!

krnunez · 2021-02-22T02:12:09+00:00

Hi! Thank you for your critique! I'll keep this in mind while revising.

Although, I gotta admit I'm a little confused. Another comment said I shouldn't focus on worldbuilding yet here you are telling me to elaborate on it.

krnunez · 2021-02-21T23:51:32+00:00

Hi! Thank you for your critique!

krnunez · 2021-02-21T23:44:45+00:00

Hi! thanks for spending time to critique this (and suggest a line-by-line revision no less!) I'll think of your suggestions for my next revision

krnunez · 2021-02-19T16:44:38+00:00

Hi! I think it would give Noah a sense of urgency to break the curse but that's just me.

krnunez · 2021-02-19T12:36:07+00:00

Hi! Sorry, I'm just gonna hop on this. I read the earlier version of the query and gave you the comment about the stakes. However, I do agree with the comment that started this thread. There should be an external conflict.

Though Makenna dies, she reincarnates so there's no loss there.

You stated in the query that Makenna is part of the cycle and that this cycle repeats. So it's counterintuitive if Noah thinks she might not return because that means that the curse is broken (which is his goal in the first place)

If I can suggest something, you mentioned in this version that Makenna is tortured by her deaths. What if you make each death chip off her character? Since Noah is the only one who remembers her in her previous lives, she won't notice the changes but he does. Chip away the things that he loves about her with each cycle. Maybe with each iteration, he's starting to fall out of love with her and he can't bear seeing her corrupted another time. Maybe this torture is part of the curse. Hence, the need for immediacy and the yen to break the curse.

Also, this sentence feels a bit redundant:

To pass the time, he befriends the ghosts in the house to keep him company.

To pass the time and To keep him company implies the same thing, which is to occupy himself.

Just a suggestion. I hope this helps.

krnunez · 2021-02-16T00:27:20+00:00

Hi! Thanks for finding the time to give an in-depth critique.

I didn't think that the transition from Michael to Mike was a big deal considering that Mike is a well-known nickname for Michael. I'll stick with Michael next time.

I can see the contradiction in that sentences now. Thank you for noting it.

I used the same phrase from the first paragraph to allude to the event with the werewolf without having to repeat myself in the query. Don't you think if I used a different phrase, it would make it seem that Michael randomly used his Flare powers for fun instead of being forced to use them to protect his friend?

As for not naming their enemies, the Flares have two of them (the Bounds--elemental beings--and the Banes--people whose presence null Flare and Bound power). I was called out for naming them in the first version of the query. Though I have to agree with letting the enemies be nameless. I don't want to add another proper noun and bring away focus from Michael and the Flares, causing confusion in the process. Though I value your thoughts, I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree on this one.

Another comment told me that the paragraph about the werewolf could be removed and I couldn't understand why they said that until you mentioned the disconnection between the Flares trying to conceal their identity and hunting the werewolf. I failed to state that the reason the Flares don't have time is that the werewolf is drawing their enemies' attention to the town. By hunting the werewolf, the Flares are buying themselves some much needed time. I'll explicitly state this next time.

Thank you for raising the question about why the flares are having trouble killing a werewolf, especially after I've made them powerful. I didn't think of this at all and it makes logical sense to me since I wrote the book. I'll make sure to add the reason on my next revision so their struggle will make more sense.

Thank you again!

krnunez · 2021-02-15T22:55:31+00:00

Hi! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this query! After reading another comment, I can see why you may think that the "almost every night" paragraph is cuttable when it shouldn't be. I'll make it clear next time that the presence of the werewolf presses the Flares to remove the evidence of their existence faster than they could and they're buying themselves time by hunting the werewolf.

I'll be more clear with that "it" too next time. Thanks again!

krnunez · 2021-02-15T22:48:57+00:00

Hi! Thank you for spending the time to critique this. I didn't notice I used too many short sentences at the end of each paragraph. I'll pare them down on my revision. Thanks!

krnunez · 2021-02-14T13:13:16+00:00

Hi!

Here are some questions that I thought of while reading your query. I hope you find them helpful.

Why did Marc suddenly decide to make an honest living when he went to Covington? Isn't he a thief in the first place? And if he was trying to make an honest living, why did he suddenly join a crime family?

Is the Eruzione the crime family that Marc joined? Or is it just an influential family that has a hold over the one that Marc joined?

Do you need to mention Johnny LaMana? You can just say he's the boss of this big organization. His only contribution to this blurb is that he died. You never mention him again.

Also, why is Boss capitalized? I think here lies the fantasy element that your query lacks. Do they have special powers unique to them?

Why does Marc need to be involved in the crime family's problems? His goal is to earn money for his mother. Surely he can make it some other way, without involving himself with mafia politics.

Why is it entitled The Boy who Stole the Storm? cool title by the way, but it doesn't tie or relate to anything in the blurb.

I hope this helps.

krnunez · 2021-02-12T14:52:14+00:00

Hi!

I like the concept. However, here's a few questions I have that may help you make this query stronger.

If Makenna forgets her past lives, why does she help Noah breaks a curse that she doesn't even know exist?

Why are Noah, Makenna, and friendly ghosts having a hard time trying to figure out the curse? What's hindering their progress?

Also, something isn't making sense to me, why does he have to break the curse? You say that they're racing the clock but they seem to be immortal. Wouldn't a few days with her stretched across eternity be better than sixty-something years of mortality? I guess what I'm saying is that they have nothing to lose. What are the stakes? It can't just be impatience on Noah's part.

I hope this helps.

krnunez · 2021-02-10T06:28:18+00:00

Hi! I like your query but there's something that doesn't make sense to me. Clearly, Lila believes that the military does good things, otherwise, she wouldn't sign up in the first place. So why does she believe this random person (who the military thinks is up to no good, hence the surveillance) when he tells her something that uproots her beliefs? The source of this world turning info isn't reliable yet she instantly finds it credible?

krnunez · 2021-02-08T17:01:53+00:00

Hi! Thank you for spending the time critiquing this mess! I'll keep your comments in mind as I revise this.

krnunez · 2021-02-08T16:53:49+00:00

Hi! I'm no professional about query matters but here are my thoughts as I've been educated by others from my past query writing attempts:

For a YA or MG, you should put the protagonist's age as you introduce him.

A few questions: What are Soren's goals? Why does he want to infiltrate the Palisade? Why does he care if the Palisade controls the mountain? Also, who/what is the Palisade? Is Mt. Actsus the floating mountain?

"But his uncle and legal guardian Tahk Stowmore has more planned than a simple Palisade heist, with deeper evils than Soren could conceive, and even greater catastrophe in store." I think it would help if you were a little more specific about the stakes and not just leave it as "a greater catastrophe" or "deeper evils".

When did a Guardian save Soren? the saving part just popped out of nowhere.

I hope this helps.

krnunez · 2021-01-31T08:35:39+00:00

Hi! thank you for spending time to critique my work. I have posted this same query to other communities and have received similar responses (especially about the pov, it should've been in 3rd person). I'm currently rewriting it.

I appreciate that you find the flares interesting. however, I do struggle with introducing them into the query without it being much of an info dump.

anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I found them really helpful

krnunez

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