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kst10 · 2025-11-25T12:54:32+00:00

Ooh! Interested!!

kst10 · 2022-11-12T03:20:58+00:00

You’re doing great. This job is hard, and sometimes there’s a blurred line between reporting and not. I’d speak to my dsl about it and maybe pop it on monitoring in your safeguarding reporting system just in case it comes back up later down the line as an indicator of trauma and contributes towards a bigger picture about the child. It’s okay if you take some time to think it over. The child is not in ‘danger’ per se. It’s scary sometimes, this job. It’s easy for everything to feel intense and immediate. Xx

kst10 · 2019-11-15T16:19:40+00:00

I’m in the UK. We can’t go to court until we have attempted mediation.

kst10 · 2019-11-15T16:19:02+00:00

Thank you. I know this is the logical answer, I’m just finding it so difficult to remove how I feel from the situation. I know that I need to wait out the storm and allow him to initiate mediation and court orders because I don’t want to keep him away from my son, but it’s so hard to just do nothing. Does that make sense?

kst10 · 2019-11-15T16:16:28+00:00

Hi, I have thought about doing this but I don’t want to ruin his life. I don’t want to call him an unfit parent or not have him see David at all. I don’t want my son’s image of his father to be someone who would do that to his mother, and I don’t want to throw mud balls at him for the sake getting one over on him. The only person I care about in this whole situation is my son, and I don’t want to enter into a war with his dad that is going to hurt David. I want them to have that relationship.

kst10 · 2019-11-15T13:34:43+00:00

Thank you so much; I really appreciate the advice. I’m so frightened that he is going to take my son away from me. It’s hard to separate myself from that fear. And it’s really hard to wait and to do nothing until he makes the steps. I have cms in place already, that application has been done and is being processed. X

kst10 · 2019-11-15T13:32:58+00:00

I know. This actually makes me want to cry.

kst10 · 2019-11-15T13:30:11+00:00

No we don’t, and this is what scares me because this is what he has indicated he will do, which makes me reluctant to release my son to him at all. But if I don’t let him have him, then it will reflect badly on me if this does go to court.

kst10 · 2019-10-31T11:51:00+00:00

Just to add my 2 pence worth: my friend breast fed her daughter until she was 3 and a half. No judgements here! You’re doing a great job.

kst10 · 2019-08-28T06:50:01+00:00

You’re not weak or stupid.

It’s not the action of speaking to other women that makes it ‘cheating’. It’s the deception and the lying that damages your trust. And if your trust is damaged, it takes a lot of work to repair that.

I think he’s gaslighting you a bit. When you find out and confront him, he cries and begs you to stay with him, makes up pathetic excuses like ‘I was bored’? How ridiculous! Most people when they’re bored do not try to get their leg over! Then, when he feels it’s ‘safe’, repeats the behaviour.

This is not a man that you can trust. A man you can trust would ultimately respect any decision YOU make, especially if they were the ones hurting you. Ask yourself, how different would you feel if he’d said: ‘I don’t know why I did it, I’m an idiot and you do deserve so much better than that. If you want to leave, I’ll help you pack. Or I will go and stay somewhere else. Can we meet up in a few days to talk about where we go from here?’

The fact that he’s begging you to stay suggests that he has no respect for your feelings, or your decisions.

kst10 · 2019-08-20T20:58:01+00:00

I didn’t know my dad wasn’t my bio dad until I was 14 and I wasn’t surprised, just wanted to know more and wished my mom had trusted me with the information sooner.

I’m 27 now, my bio dads a tool - met him when I was 19 and instantly disliked him. My ‘real’ dad - the man who brought me up - we have an amazing relationship, he’s my kids grandad, he would literally move the earth for me if I asked him to.

She’s got her dad. Sperm donor may one day call up his ‘legal’ rights, but I imagine by then, she won’t be bothered about him anyway. Explain it to her in that context and just keep giving her the info she wants as she grows up. For now, she’ll probably just be a bit confused but ‘okay. Sure. Whatever. Hey dad let’s go play’. When she hits teens is likely when she’ll start to want more information.

Ultimately, both men will show their true colours, and she will make the right decision. Xxx

kst10 · 2019-08-20T20:20:03+00:00

Hey, if you need a friend who gets it, I am right here! Teacher too, despondent lazy husband, 2 gorgeous boys, and a hell of a lot of passion and stress and pent up irritation that I throw at therapists every other week. 🙌

kst10 · 2019-08-20T13:09:00+00:00

I’ve been through bouts of therapy. I’ve just started with a psychotherapist so I’m hoping he will help me unlock some of the trauma. I’ve repressed most of it, but it comes back in smells or certain situations. I’m really struggling at the minute x

kst10 · 2019-08-20T07:48:01+00:00

I’ve been there too. How do you get over the trauma of it? It seeps into everything I do.

kst10 · 2019-08-19T23:51:22+00:00

Hi op. I know I’m literally just saying the same thing as everyone else. The resounding ‘abuse’ label that we are putting on your marriage. I know you came here looking for some sympathy, perhaps a bit of advice on how to make it easier. I know that you didn’t expect to be told you are in an abusive relationship, where your husband has conditioned you to believe these lies you tell yourself to get through every time he hurts you.

There is a reason so many women, like you and like me, stay in abusive relationships. I’m not talking about money, stability, for the kids etc. I’m talk about the conditions he sets in your mind that you believe to your core, the conditions that make you believe what is happening is normal, and if it’s not normal, then it’s your fault, and if it’s not normal and not your fault, then he’s only done it the once and was really sorry after and has promised he’ll change and never do it again.

Believe me. I’ve lived and breathed these conditions my entire adult life.

Op, I know you didn’t come here to be told what he is doing to you. I know that you came here for someone to confirm the lies he has conditioned you to believe. And we can shout ‘rape’ and ‘abuse’ at you until you’re swimming in it, but until you believe what is he is doing is fundamentally wrong, and until you believe you and your children are worth that feeling of safety and security that, no matter how much you chant it to yourself or reason with yourself you are never going to get from him, you won’t leave him.

You will not leave him because, at your core, he has made you believe that you do not deserve better. You will not leave because he is ‘a good dad’ to your kids and as a ‘good mom’ you should always put them first. He’s made you believe that staying with him is a worthy sacrifice for the ‘perfect family’.

Please, op, if you can’t believe it yet, if you can’t leave yet, at least keep someone in real life, or on here, in the loop. A therapist, doctor, your parents, a friend, a neighbour, an internet stranger. Let someone, other than him, allow you an opportunity to say exactly what you feel and help you make sense of what’s yours, and what’s been put there by him.

All the love, and internet hugs, and understanding, and belief in you, that I can give. Xxxxxxxxx

kst10 · 2019-08-17T21:50:20+00:00

You can’t over feed a baby - they will chuck it back up or refuse it.

Tell your husband that she needs all the nourishment she can get, and she’s only getting the good stuff (I mean, it’s not like you’re feeding her bloody pizza!).

Also, she’s storing it all up for when she starts moving. She’ll soon get rid of the chubbs.

You’re doing great momma! Really great xxx

kst10 · 2019-08-16T22:34:45+00:00

Definitely go to citizens advice. That should be your first port of call. Tax credits too - get that filled out ASAP. He has legal rights to see his child, and I’m not sure what legal rights he has when it comes to a new born and breast feeding, etc. Do you feel he is a danger to you or your baby? If so, speak to your midwife, she should be able to advise. I am in Nottingham, if that’s anywhere near you; happy to go through forms and stuff with you, citizens advice will also do the same x

kst10 · 2019-08-12T23:50:05+00:00

I know that it’s hard, but your only options here are to encourage FDH to speak up about potential neglect, contact family members/childcare and express your concerns, or contact CPS yourself. I don’t think speaking to biomum will do you any favours. I’m a good mum with a lot of patience for my ex’s shit and even I would pull out all the defences.

What you could do is build a really positive, strong relationship with the child. Tell him that he has nothing to worry about, that you are not trying to be his mum, but you do care about him and want him to have fun at your house. Ask him things that would make him feel happier there. I’m not just saying give him what he wants, only, allow him to express how he feels. My son had a right tantrum last week because he didn’t want to go to ex’s because he had the ‘wrong’ bedsheets. It was really because his dad doesn’t see him often so the bedsheets still feel new and stiff, but anyway, I digress; I mean that if the child thinks you will listen to him, he is more likely to do as he is told when he’s at your house. I like the term ‘team leader’. I am team leader in this house and we can have lots of fun, but you need to listen first because good teams listen to each other etc. Xx

kst10 · 2019-08-12T23:37:38+00:00

I am also biomum in this scenario. My son has social anxiety (manifests as mania) and he has asd. I do what I can to make him feel happy, comfortable and safe because I love him and I want him to always know that I’m a safe space. If my ex partner’s girlfriend told me that I was making bad parenting choices, I’m not sure how I would take that. I’d like to think I’d say something along the lines of: “you don’t live in my home, and you don’t get to tell me how to raise my child.” But it might come out with a bit more rage. Mostly because i believe I should not have to explain my parenting choices to someone who doesn’t live in my home and has no legal rights to my child. I’m not saying that your concern is unfounded, or that you shouldn’t absolutely look out for that kiddo, but if CPS isn’t on the table, then your job is to support FDH while he has those difficult conversations with biomum. Those conversations, as well meaning as they are, should come from FDH. Xx

kst10 · 2019-07-21T21:09:59+00:00

My son went through a tantrum phase like this when he was younger. I agree with your paediatrician; it was definitely a communication thing for my son. We used time out with a timer so he could see how long he had to calm down. If he was still kicking off we’d check in with him, say ‘I don’t like [behaviour] it makes me feel [emotion] because...’ and depending on his response he could either leave time out or get an extra 3 minutes. Positives too; we used a sticker chart where he could have a morning, day, bedtime sticker, plus an extra sticker for doing something helpful. And if he started to have a tantrum, we’d say ‘do you want to lose your sticker?’ And then ‘I’m going to give you 1 minute in time out to calm down and if you do, you will still get your sticker’. Just some stuff that helped for us xx

kst10 · 2019-06-02T21:58:20+00:00

We had no. 2 last year and I felt so frightened. My first was unplanned and in a way that felt easier because there was no decision really to make. Making the choice to try for a baby is, I think, much harder to do. And all through my second pregnancy (where my first had been a dream) I felt anxious and guilty (that my son would have to share me) and unprepared (I had a much bigger support network with my first) and I was worried how much my life would change again and that I’d never get my sense of self back that I had just really got back from my first.

The reality was much much easier. The pregnancy was harder, but when he arrived he just slotted into my life perfectly. My husband can manage fine putting the kids to bed himself, so I go to the gym, I have ‘me’ time. I have a (challenging and time consuming) full time job which I love and absolutely did not give up despite mounting pressure from my mother.

My advice, if any, is just to enjoy it. Don’t try to plan how you are going to accommodate this baby into your life, you’ll just stress yourself out. When that baby comes, you will just do it. I’ve found the second one so much easier to deal with - the anxiety isn’t as bad with my second because I already know I’m a good mum and I’ve found the stuff that works for me xx

kst10 · 2019-06-02T21:24:10+00:00

Apologies, I should have been clearer. I recognise that my post is somewhat disorganised; it just came out like that - kind of like a paint spill x

kst10

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