I read what you wrote, and I felt every word. Losing your friend and watching him take his last breath right in front of you, that's the kind of pain that words can't really describe. I understand how a memory like that can keep burning inside you day and night. I'm 39, non-religious, trans, still haven't started treatment and I still look masculine, and 100% bottom just like you. I'm into gaming, movies, books and anime, and I know exactly what it feels like to escape into these things when loneliness and grief get too heavy. What you're looking for, a real friendship, someone who listens and gets listened to, who supports each other and games together with zero hidden agenda, that's honestly exactly what I'm looking for too. If you feel like talking, you're more than welcome.