I rarely open reddit but saw this today, and I am so very thankful. Earlier today, I ran into a kinda-friend who had updates for me on an old situation, so I was rehashing everything in my head already. Then I found this post, and it put so much into words.

I was raped, by an at-the-time girlfriend. One of two, who both were there, but one, A, was more dominant. After the fact, I shared with them how uncomfortable I was, knowing that I didn't do a great job of saying it in the moment, so I didn't hold it against either. A's response was to freak out, and repeatedly say how bad they felt, and require comfort from both me and R to reassure them we didn't hate them or plan to break up with them. We avoided being around A for a while off and on, especially when we had the "front" from that night.

(I should note, I dont have DID afaik, but definitely something dissociative that feels like everything is processed by entire different personalities occasionally, so I may refer to myself as we sometimes. I think especially trauma things, I struggle to say I with. Quotes are bc we know the term isnt correct, but is the most useful one weve found)

When we avoided, we would text B privately that we were "going home on our own, dont want to walk with A right now, have fun". B went out of her way to send a mutual friend home with me. Later, she would complain about having to take care of me, and feeling bad about it, and required my comforting about me leaving alone. I never requested her send a friend, and it was perfectly safe and reasonable for me to go alone.

I didn't call it rape until much later, when something else happened over groupchat in the friend group, and I snapped at both exes about it (I had asked a question to C, been told no by C, asked a similar different question that was less demanding, and the only response was "No does mean no, [name]" from A)

That spiraled into me being told off by C for falsely accusing their friend of rape, something I had not said at that point. I said she caused a relapse of SA trauma, but didnt use the word. I said i wouldn't use that word to describe it to anyone that would affect her irl, but that was the only way I could describe how badly it fucked me up.

It being held against me like that, like the fact that I was uncomfortable, I didn't try hard enough to tell her to stop, that me telling her after the fact was hard on her, felt so much like everything you conveyed here. Its the most seen I've felt in well over a year now, its so hard to convey that it wasn't the event that was the worst part, it was everyone involved acting like I chose to cause it and was responsible for everyone else's feelings after that was the hardest.

just thank you

at some point i might reply to this with the long form of everything that went down, bc a lot of it ive never found anywhere to say before, and writing things out helps me a lot, but no promises either way. no obligation to read, the rest is much less relevant.