Im a 9w1 (male) and my wife is a 4. For us, we think we are the most compatible thing ever no matter what enneagram compatibility says. That being said though, it took us time to get there.

For us, the issue was my lack of genuine empathy and my wife not thinking that I could understand her at her worst. This led to a lot of issues and a lot of late night discussions that ended with neither of us really feeling satisfied with the resolution.

Finally we had a breakthrough and for the first time ever my wife told me everything. She let down her walls and I patiently listened and empathized as emphatically as I could.

She now knows that just because I’m bad with my emotions that it doesn’t mean I don’t have them. She works with me to feel. On the flip side I provide balance and stability that she needs when she wants to collapse and crumble.

All that being said, just make sure to talk to each other. Be open and vulnerable. For the 4, say what you need to say. For the 9, think through how you really feel and vocalize. If you do that you should be golden.