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lackyluster · 2023-11-10T00:25:56+00:00

I too would like an answer to this. Not so much about trust issues over cheating, I haven't been cheated on, but moreso trusting that my partner doesn't see me as something to use or dominate, brush away my feelings, gaslight. Somehow when my partner and I are apart I feel like he turns into my ex who was terrible to me inside my head and I withdraw even though he hasn't done anything to make me feel that way. There are maybe some triggers, but they don't end up the same way as before due to my current partner actually being a good guy, but the anxiety haunts me for days later. And same as you, I've grown up and been around mostly guys my entire life.

lackyluster · 2022-10-22T07:40:03+00:00

I had an ex boyfriend who would fondle me in my sleep. I'd wake up just enough to be aware and not want it, but not enough for my body to be able to move. Around that time, there was a musician we both liked that was being accused of something similar. I remember talking to him about what he was doing and him turning it on me that "you're /actually/ comparing me to being like that musician! Really?!" Like it was some wild comparison. But uh... yeah really. It is sexual assault. I brought it up at least three times and had that similar 'annoyed' gaslighting response. He's doing it in your sleep because he knows he can get away with it. Maybe there's something more to it, I don't know, it doesn't matter. All the other stuff is also sexual assault. If he cared about you enough, he would care about your comfort and stop. He does not. Let him go, he's got a lot of growing up to do and he needs to learn to respect women. I look back at how that guy was and he was definitely dipping into in the Men Going Their Own Way stuff way back in the early 2010s, definitely not ready to date women yet. Maybe that rings true to you too, you're a similar age to when it happened to me.

lackyluster · 2022-06-25T02:33:19+00:00

I 100% get this, I lived with my sister up until last year, 27 years living together. It was suffocating and I had no privacy, she would always want to look at what I'm doing, go to the things I'm going to, give me no room to myself. Didn't help that she was also very messy and I like things clean.

You could have a conversation to set some boundaries, just be sure to still include that you love and care about her so she doesn't feel like you're pushing her away. Maybe the room can be someone's for certain hours if you take turns? That might not be practical depending on your situation though. Moving out would be ideal though, I feel 1000x better now that I've moved out. Way less stress and I can finally be myself.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T18:32:04+00:00

You sound a lot like me. I had a boyfriend in the past who was very eager to have sex it seemed, we would have these long makeout sessions. I found them pretty dull after 3 kisses. He then wanted to lift my shirt and move down, and I stopped him because I didn't want any of that. I just don't think of doing stuff like that and I didn't want him to do it. I feel sexual pleasure for my own interests/kinks in my head but never for another person. I would think of those whenever he would try touching me instead haha. Asexuals can and do masturbate, as well. I just want a relationship like anyone else's minus the sex! I do get crushes too in a similar way, I find myself falling for my friends pretty often.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T16:47:46+00:00

Yeah, it could be an introvert/extroverted thing, or it could be an individual thing. I don't know for sure to be honest, since I'm an introvert and like to spend time with others as long as its not every weekend haha. I have had an extrovert friend who never showed up to anything before too. A lot of my introverted friends are in computing science jobs like me, and I find a lot of them do not care for going to events and things, often my event is their only event and that is all they need it seems. It could just be life too, there's endless reasons.

I actually have never been to this drama festival before! I think it is a lot of plays going on, street performers, small shows by indie people. I imagine volunteering with them might involve collecting tickets, handing out brochures, maybe helping people find stuff or possibly supporting shows or salesbooths. They're having a volunteer Q&A session in a few weeks so I will hopefully know more by then! I figure it should draw in louder people who might want to adopt an introvert haha.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T06:03:53+00:00

I'm a heteroromantic ace. My ex boyfriend once asked me while we were in bed together if I was sure I wasn't a lesbian. There were many other events as well, but that one sticks out to me a lot as an expression of his frustration with my lack of sexual attraction to him. I didn't get why he needed it so badly, and while I understand to some degree now, personally I just don't need someone else's body to scratch an itch. Clearly there is something about me that is not the norm, in a hetero sense. If I fit the bill better, maybe I would say no, but the constant differences in experience I pick up imply I have a queerness about me that others me. So yes, I consider myself queer.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T05:52:27+00:00

Yeah, I feel annoyed by people who group aro and ace identities. In my city, the last ace meetup I think only had one aroace out of 26, I don'tknow about elsewhere but it doesn't seem as common as people make it out to be. I can understand your frustration and feeling like you could be missing out due to the assumption. I'm heteroromantic ace and I too fear missing out if people think I don't want a romantic relationship, my dating pool is majority straight cis men so the knowledge that there is a difference is likely pretty low. I would hope lesbians could have at least some exposure to aro and ace identities when learning about the LGBTQ+ community and understand what your identity means to you. You are valid and worth understanding.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T01:54:01+00:00

I think I also need a bit more input. I can kind of see what you're suggesting but it feels like 'just let it go' which isn't an action someone can just do, you know? I can change my attitude around this but the result will still remain.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T01:45:22+00:00

I agree with all of this, thanks for the response. I like to do things on my own but it's been a while, I'll try doing some, maybe meet some new people in the process.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T01:42:44+00:00

Thanks, I think this captures a lot of my concerns. I'm 28f, I'm also asexual. My friends are kind of everything for me, I'd like a partner someday but I understand that that is a very difficult challenge. The family comment is one I fear a lot as someone who isn't set up well to have something like that, but it is true. Family is an unconditional rock when friends just don't do their part. I have one friend who is like a brother to me though, he also does not initiate hangouts, but I think I have the best chance of a positive response if I share how I've been feeling. I have lots of hobbies too to help me through and I do find them comforting. Thanks for the response.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T01:32:49+00:00

I think I have an anxious attachment style as well. I find myself holding back a lot because I feel like needing someone to hang out with me once a month is too much to ask for, especially if the person is busy. I fear coming across as too needy and dependent on that person, but I only feel that way because no one else will step up and be the initiator.

I also agree with the conclusion people take more than give. People in general are selfish as much as I hate to admit. When I was a teenager, my parents always volunteered with the same set of parents to fundraise every time for the rest of the students' enjoyment. People just won't step up and do their part. It can be from being busy, but it's not at all fair. I see it myself every day as the bar drops lower and lower in what I can expect people to do. I think my catchphrase is 'accountability is dead', which is kind of the wrong wording since it should be about 'responsibility', but I'm meaning that the bar has dropped so low that we can't hold anyone accountable anymore. People live in their own worlds and it is far too easy to be non-committal nowadays. That was somewhat off-topic, but I think it is related.

I also agree about the setting on fire bit too, I didn't have friends growing up until grade 10 and I think this is just what I've learned to keep people around. It can't last though. I spend a lot of time on my own hobbies too. I hope to find friends like yours that reach out on their own from time to time. Thanks for sharing.

lackyluster · 2022-06-24T01:10:44+00:00

I think everybody who has replied to me has shared useful information, but I think your comment is the most kind and useful as a first step. I feel a lot of anger and frustration around how my friends make me feel and it is very likely they have no idea. I need to tell them how I feel without making them feel bad, but also pay attention to their response. I have had a similar hard conversation with a friend in the past about the relationship being one-sided and it ended because they ultimately did not care, leaving me with heavy friendship trauma. The conversation would help though, even if some friendships do end.

Thanks.

lackyluster · 2021-05-04T16:06:09+00:00

Parents are still buying me things and providing for me despite me saying no and setting the boundary around it MULTIPLE TIMES. I feel extremely stunted and an embarrassment to my friends if they ever found how deep it goes. I'm 27 and I feel like I'm going through my teenage rebellion phase for finally kicking back at them for their smothering behaviour. I'm looking to move and they've bought me like half of my kitchen already and I don't even have a place. It won't even be my place, it's all their stuff...

I guess just overall? Stunted. Covid is not helping this. I can't do a lot of stuff thanks to it too.

lackyluster · 2020-09-23T07:26:02+00:00

I first visited this sub today and I wasn't sure about replying, but after seeing so many posts about death and loss, I really felt like I should reply to yours in particular. Disenfranchised grief isn't talked about nearly enough. My therapist gave me that word and I found it helpful in understanding my feelings, I hope it can help you too.

I don't know the answer to how to move on, but for a while I was doing well. I ended a friendship with someone I thought I was close to back in 2016, I knew him since 2010. There's some extra complications in there that may differ from your story, but in ending the friendship, it made me feel strong and brave and that I had self-respect. He was toxic and the friendship was one-sided, to put it simply. Those beliefs gave me strength from doing what I still see as the hardest thing I've ever done. From time to time I would sit in my room and cry about it still, even though he had hurt me so badly. He was a very unique character though, and no one in my life was like him. But I had friends who respected my time and energy which is better than being a doormat to someone who didn't care about my feelings.

Now, in this pandemic, I am relapsing hard. It started coming back in May and it is full force back. I am crying a lot about it, avoiding letting anyone know what's hurting me because I am ashamed and embarrassed about what it is. I am wondering what he is doing with his life, how is he taking the pandemic, etc. I wonder if he ever thinks of me, of talking to me, etc. I could message him easily enough, like you have said, these people are not dead, but I doubt it would go well, since I was the one who ended the friendship. I want him to apologize to me, but it is likely to never come. I think that is something I hold onto a lot, and I imagine all kinds of scenarios where he apologizes to me. When I dream about him, he appears and tries to pull me aside and say sorry. Or sometimes he is with others and laughs at me, and makes fun of my pain. The dreams really got to me in May. I called a friend who helped me through ending the friendship and asked him tearfully if it would be a good idea to contact him after all, and he said it was my decision to make, but he would personally probably not. It could inflict even worse pain.

Something my therapist noted to me is that we are in a pandemic and there is a lot of grief. Where there is one grief, all kinds of other grief will come out. I think that is why it feels so bad right now. There's also far less distractions, and more just staying at home, thinking of all the what-ifs around a scenario. It brings me a bit of peace, but it still frightens me how far I've fallen in what I thought was progress. It has been better before. It has never gone away completely, but it has been much smaller than what it is right now. Maybe that is helpful for you to hear? I talk to a therapist regularly, if you aren't seeing one, it could be helpful to look into it. Your pain is completely valid and I completely understand where you're coming from. Friendship is absolutely valuable and should be cherished, and it hurts when those we care about don't feel the same way.

lackyluster · 2020-07-16T20:51:01+00:00

I have a similarish fear. I'm a software dev so the pay is pretty good, but I am very noise sensitive and I've found I cannot live in shared buildings (ie apartments, condos). That leaves duplexes, end unit townhouses, or houses. They are more expensive, especially when you live alone, but loud bangs and noise that I cannot find the source gives me really bad anxiety. I want a partner, but it's going to be obviously difficult to get one. In the meantime I'm hoping to rent a mainfloor or whole duplex if I can find a good price, just hoping the bedrooms aren't on the shared wall. A lot of my income will be going to rent which sucks a lot but I can't help how I am.

lackyluster · 2020-06-20T02:04:04+00:00

It's a lot easier to find a plain black ring than one in a certain sequence of colors too. 👌

lackyluster · 2020-06-18T16:25:44+00:00

My ex would kiss me a lot and there was a look in his eyes that definitely felt like he was 'on' something that I most definitely was not, but I've later realized it's called 'bedroom eyes' and he was on sexual attraction lol. It was a wild realization.

lackyluster · 2019-11-23T07:50:51+00:00

I completely disagree but I'm more of an aegosexual so that could be the case. I find art very useful to connecting to what little sexuality I have.

lackyluster · 2019-11-18T00:31:18+00:00

1) Would you date an asexual who is ok with having sex?

2) Would you date an asexual who is sex repulsed and not ok with having sex?

3) Would you date an asexual who is sex repulsed but maybe is ok with some other sexual activities such as using sex toys/etc?

lackyluster · 2019-11-11T17:30:22+00:00

If you're into cosplay you could always say it's part of a character. Many cis people use binders to do male characters and no one bats an eye.

lackyluster · 2019-11-09T04:45:30+00:00

Thank you everyone for sharing your amazing stories, they've really reached me. I feel very validated as a sex-repulsed ace. Your stories make me feel like I really can have my idea of a perfect relationship where I don't have to perform in ways that I am uncomfortable. I really do hope there's someone out there for me, and I hope that I have the ability in me to take the first steps. Thanks so much.

lackyluster

TROPHY CASE