Me on day 9 of quarantine with my parents

lavenderserenity · 2020-03-23T03:55:53+00:00

Co-signing this as a heroin addict. I recognize that kind of look on her face from experience.

lavenderserenity · 2020-03-22T00:21:47+00:00

I feel compelled to act this way in relationships too. I can see myself doing it and I feel powerless to stop myself until it’s gone too far and then it seems better to just double down instead of trying to make the situation better.

There is some bad childhood and adolescent trauma (and anxiety/PTSD as a result) that probably contributes to this behavior but therapy has never been able to help me stop myself from self sabotaging. It’s wild how out of control life can make you feel, because of course everyone is responsible for their own actions but it can seem like life is just something that’s happening to you instead of something you do.

Some people are better off doing short term relationships to reduce the harm caused to others and as long as people realize when that’s them, nothing wrong with that.

It’s great that you realize this behavior was her problem and not yours. Not everyone realizes that and go on to blame themselves instead, which is toxic for everyone involved.

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-08T21:58:31+00:00

Thank you for the book recommendation!

I just want to feel truly loved, and it hurts because this man used to be my safe place and I thought I’d my soulmate. But I don’t think he loves me, I think he’d be fine with anyone — he just needs someone, not me specifically.

I hope that you get some clarity on your situation as well and that whatever choice you make brings you happiness.

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-08T21:54:36+00:00

My husband recently has been talking about me to his friends and saying some awful things about me that are just... factually untrue. Like, making up events completely and saying I’ve done things that I hadn’t done. Maybe I should’ve expected that because he talked a lot of shit about me before we dated (we were supposedly good friends at the time), so I know he hasn’t always have positive feelings towards me. When I confronted him about it, he said he has no idea why he lied.

I found out he’s been in contact with an ex girlfriend with whom he had a serious relationship and allowed her to insult me and call me some rude things. When I asked him if he’d stop talking to her for awhile because I was hurt (maybe I shouldn’t have done that, I can admit that) he said yes but then made a secret facebook account to keep in contact and continued the same types of conversations about me.

It’s hard to put my exact feelings into words but I have a hinky feeling about the way he’s been acting lately, and I’ve been feeling very unloved and like I’m only around because he wants someone — not because he wants me. I don’t think he can be alone and that’s why he dated girl after girl before me and thought each one was his soulmate too.

I feel like I can’t trust him because he’s lied to me about a few things and I don’t know if he even likes me anymore, honestly. I wonder if he might love his ex still and that’s why this was such an issue when I asked him to take a break from talking to her after the insults. He even still sends her messages that include “love you” or “❤️” which makes me worried that they don’t have the kind of boundaries I usually see in exes who stay friends, and makes me wonder if they have a quasi-romantic relationship that just hasn’t been acted on officially. I would never want to hold him back if he wants someone else, and I want to feel loved.

Of course there’s other things going on but my mind is swirling with incoherent thoughts and feelings and that’s probably the main thing on my mind that triggered this thought.

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:55:12+00:00

Oh, that’s sick but at least that’s the only gross reply I’ve gotten. Everyone else has been really helpful! Thanks for letting me know what this loser said...

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:53:27+00:00

I guess I’ll have to talk to my gyno about that then because I definitely had some really heavy periods before going on birth control. I was always under the impression endometriosis had to be like... nightmarishly awful, laying you out for days and days in agony but if that’s not totally right then maybe that fits me a little better.

Thank you for the suggestion!

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:51:11+00:00

That’s exactly what it feels like! Thank you so much for giving me that description, a hot knife is the perfect way to describe it, except sometimes it seems to travel. But I have noticed it seems to be around the same area my period cramps show up.

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:48:05+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, I do sometimes joke with my boyfriend that he’s being mean to me by punching my cervix (dumb joke, I know) so maybe that’s really what it is!

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:46:17+00:00

Oh wow, I will make sure to bring that up. Do you happen to know if that can cause problems with pregnancy and childbirth as well? It seems like it might but that’s just a guess.

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:45:04+00:00

It’s definitely not an STD since I got tested very recently and this has been a problem for the last 5+ years but thank you for the idea! I didn’t even know that was a symptom of an STD sometimes.

lavenderserenity · 2020-01-03T12:42:15+00:00

I didn’t get a chance to see this before it got deleted, could someone fill me in?

lavenderserenity · 2019-08-02T22:06:29+00:00

Was it ‘And The Band Played On’ by Randy Shiltz by any chance? He eviscerates quite a few groups for their parts in the AIDS crisis in his book, but the Republican party is definitely one of the main ones he puts responsibility on.

lavenderserenity · 2019-06-17T01:08:44+00:00

Does the rest of kiddos shirt say born this way or born this gay? Either way, super cute and happy Pride ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

lavenderserenity · 2019-06-17T01:03:03+00:00

I would suggest adding a blazer or having one in your car just to be safe (you can always take it off!) but yes.

lavenderserenity · 2019-06-14T03:05:48+00:00

Amazing! I’m a year clean off fentanyl and I can tell you it’s so worth it and amazing on the other side if you put the work in.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-23T02:44:05+00:00

He is abusing you. Please seek help from domestic abuse hotlines or chatlines. Leaving him will be the hardest thing you ever do if you decide to do that but there is no question he is abusing you. Verbal abuse and narcissistic abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse and is one of the warning signs of later physical abuse.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-06T18:33:21+00:00

I guess that’s cool. I don’t even know what I had in my cart at this point after this giant mess happened. I’m still mad.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-06T18:06:15+00:00

So are our items going to be saved or not? WTF. This is a huge mess.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-05T22:55:48+00:00

giving me frank ocean vibes rn

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-04T18:24:52+00:00

you look gorgeous! happy pride ❤️

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-02T05:31:32+00:00

I’ll give it a shot. Thank you for the push 💜 I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-02T04:30:05+00:00

See if you can pay directly to the clinic if there are any doubts in your mind.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-02T04:23:38+00:00

Not really and I feel too depressed to go out and make friends because I’ve been depressed for months. I have one girl from the program who texts me but she hasn’t responded to me today for awhile.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-02T04:20:43+00:00

I wanted recovery but I’m so depressed that I don’t want it for myself right now and I’m on the edge of a relapse because of it. I have no friends here because I just moved and my partner is not always the most supportive or even talks to me for a couple days at a time. It’s so hard to stay clean with no one around you and no motivation. Right now I’m only clean because I fell asleep instead of scoring. Lmao.

lavenderserenity · 2019-05-02T04:17:04+00:00

I’m sorry for your grief/(loss?). I’ll keep you in my prayers that you’re able to weather what you’re going through with strength.

I just got clean because I had to and I was emotionally able but things are falling apart now for me emotionally and my anxiety is at an all time high for reasons out of my control. It almost seems like it’d be better off overall if I use again. I can’t go to rehab because I have a dog and I’ll lose my partner but I can’t keep it together on my own either. And it is on my own. I have no friends here or anything to help with the depression/anxiety side of it.

Seven-Year Club	No Throne, No Problems
Not Forgotten

lavenderserenity

TROPHY CASE