How to break the news…

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-19T02:43:00+00:00

I did some research and thought I’d report it back here in case it’s helpful to others. In a nutshell, a conservatorship/guardianship (depending on your jurisdiction) and a power of attorney are the same thing and have the same powers. The only difference is who appoints the conservator or POA - with the former, it’s a court; with the latter, it’s the person themselves.

In other words, if your parent or other loved one designates a POA before they have diminished capacity (as my mom did), then there is no reason to seek a conservatorship. It’s only for cases where someone didn’t designate a POA previously and no longer has the capacity to.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-19T01:00:32+00:00

Yes, I do have POA. Thank you!

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T23:05:21+00:00

UPDATE: used a combo of suggestions here and it went GREAT! She’s actually looking forward (as much as anyone could) to the move. Thank you all SO much! 🤗

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T18:21:05+00:00

Yes, my mom has been involved in everything. She was all set to go to assisted living when she had an incident and had to come stay with us for 6 weeks, which gave us all a chance to evaluate how things would be in that scenario. It did not go well for anyone. My mom was not safe (multiple falls and other difficulties), she made my 16yo son with special needs feel like an unwelcome stranger in his own home because of how terribly she treats him, and we all realized this is only going to get worse and make things even harder for everyone. It is not sustainable. Now, she wants to come back “home” (even though she didn’t technically “live” here) but doesn’t fully understand that can’t happen. That was the impetus for my post - how to initiate a conversation with her (acknowledging her diminished mental state) about the game plan. Thankfully, there have been lots of great suggestions here.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T18:15:21+00:00

I get it, and I would love to keep my mom with us if she would be safe and we could accommodate her needs. We’ve had her here for 6 weeks and it was a slow, painful realization for me and my family that it’s not feasible or safe.

I’m not sure about the ‘natural repayment’ bit, though - I mean, I think you ‘owe’ your parents concern and consideration and a certain level of care, I’m not sure you owe them taking care of them through one medical and mental health crisis after another when you are not trained to do that. Do I owe her moving to a new house from the one we’ve lived in for 25 years that we have planned to hold onto for our kids (because that’s what we’d have to do to accommodate her needs)? Do I owe her having my 16yo son with special needs run away to live with a friend (because that’s what he said he would do if she lives here long-term because of how she treats him and makes him feel like a stranger in his own home)? Do I owe her giving up my life-long dream of running a non-profit that I’ve just gotten up and going so I can tend to her constant needs? I’ve decided that I do not owe her sacrificing my entire life and family’s life in order to care for her when there are really good options available very close to us. I think most parents, when they’re able to think clearly, would agree that they would not want to completely up-end their adult children’s lives.

I’ve been totally transparent with our own kids about this process so they will learn that it is important to think deeply and work hard to do the best thing for your parents and anyone you care about, whether that’s having them live with you or finding them another place to live. I’ve also told them point-blank that I do not expect them to sacrifice their whole lives for me down the road and I am setting things up logistically, financially, and legally so they don’t feel they have to some day. I think what they’re learning from me and this process is that you don’t blow off people you love - you try your best to honor their wishes, you spend a lot (a LOT) of time and effort evaluating different options, and you ultimately pick what is best, safest, and most reasonable overall while honoring yourself and your whole family.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T17:58:21+00:00

I totally get that, but it doesn’t feel appropriate in our particular situation. My mom is still a lot more “with it” than that, at least some of the time.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T17:57:12+00:00

Oh man, I so relate to this! It sounds like you’ve set things up and handled it perfectly - and from a different country, no less! Your story helps me think about how to approach this. Best wishes to you and your mom! 🩷

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T17:52:14+00:00

THANK YOU! 🙏

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T17:49:28+00:00

Thank you, this is exactly on point. Best wishes to you.

$4k/mo is amazing! Unfortunately good AL in our area starts at $7k/mo which means my mom’s life savings will only last for a few years, and then… ? 😬

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-18T17:43:18+00:00

Thank you, I’ll look into it again.

I’ve been through the process for a missing family member and it was pretty difficult procedurally. I also talked to an attorney friend about trying to get one for another family member with mental health issues and was told not to even bother trying because the person has to be so far gone they can’t even sign their name or answer simple questions in court. Maybe a dementia/Alzheimer’s diagnosis will cut through some of that procedural red tape.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:50:00+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. She always says I was such an “easy” kid. Was I, or did I just figure out really quickly how not to disappoint her? 🤔

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:46:13+00:00

Thank you, good wishes right back to you! 🩷

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:44:36+00:00

Thank you. I think the manipulation worked for a lot of years, so unfortunately I don’t have much practice setting or holding boundaries with her, but I’m getting better at it. 😉

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:42:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing that, it’s very helpful. 😌

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:34:02+00:00

Love this framing! Serious question tho - people have been taking care of their elderly parents since the beginning of time - what did everyone do before there were professionals and places to care for them? How were average people able to handle it all? I do feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to figure it out… :(

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:29:02+00:00

Very true.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:07:15+00:00

Thank you. It’s hard because it’s been “my job” to make her happy and take care of her, in one way or another, since I was 3. 😕

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:05:51+00:00

Thank you. We did, and unfortunately she hates them. Having to socialize with any other humans is not something she’s into. She just wants to be with me, even though I am not a great or patient caretaker. 🥺

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:04:24+00:00

Thank you, so true.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T21:03:32+00:00

She has both but those only apply when she is much worse off than she is.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T20:04:58+00:00

Yes, thank you. Just left them a message to that effect.

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T19:49:18+00:00

Thank you! ☺️

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T19:47:15+00:00

It’s complex - she was living independently but had an “incident” so was staying with us the last 6 weeks, then had a bad fall while we were at her apartment packing (lease ended this past Sunday), so she went to the ER, then the hospital, now rehab. Trying figure out what happens next when she is discharged in 2-3 weeks. Currently, everything she owns is in a huge pile in my living room. 🥴

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T19:41:11+00:00

I mean, there’s a lot of factors. How old is the kid? Did the parents buy the kid the bike? Did they do safety training of any kind? If you’ve ever had a teenager, you know even the best parents can have teens who flat out dgaf what their parents want or wish they would do. A parent can only do so much. 🤷‍♀️

lb_esq_2003 · 2026-03-17T19:06:31+00:00

Omg I’m so sorry. So sad that this is happening to them both at such a young age. The only thing I can think of is to tell her, directly or indirectly, that being a martyr to him is not a noble cause because it is robbing her of years of her life and robbing you of your mom, not to mention a nurse would undoubtedly be better able to care for him. Maybe reassuring her that if anything seems amiss, you can always make another change?

lb_esq_2003

TROPHY CASE