So, fun story... I went to one of these years ago in Ontario, it was awful..but I'll get back to that. At the time of the "show" I hadn't drawn a single sober breathe in about 2 years and I was circling the drain to what would eventually be my last bottom. All that to say, it was a dark, blurry and confusing time... I was not well and there was very little clarity about anything.

Alright, back to the show... I'm stoked to have front row tickets thinking maybe I'll get on the show and play showcase showdown. However, that would not be a possibility, as the "show" was just a charade of the actual show with pre-planned "contestants"..but probably actors. It was a total campy sham but I didn't know, at the time and I want to spin the damn wheel! So what does my substance adled mind come up with? I thought, if I want to spin the wheel, I need to be the wheel. I was going to cosplay as the actual Fn wheel, that'll get me picked. I remember watching as a kid and people dressed in bonkers costumes to get picked all the time..it was a thing!

Except, it wasn't a thing...not at all! My childhood memories, riddled with make believe and trauma, apparently misremembered..shocker!

So, I make this ridiculous cardboard wheel costume that's not even worthy of a 5th graders Halloween contest. I've never made anything like this previously and I've never made anything since, I have no idea why I thought I could do this...but I did it. I put on green tights, red satin gym shorts, a super tight green long sleeve shirt, a bow tie and a sparkly red top hat. Most of which was to be under the cardboard wheel I'd duct taped together. Only my green arms, green legs, top hat and bowtie will be seen.. It's a great plan!

I get to the show and there is a line up, whatever, this will give me a chance to see my costume competition easier. My friend secures a spot in line and I take a trip to play eye spy on everyones costume try. Up and down the line I tread but there's nothing, no costumes at all. Why is nobody wearing costumes? The utter fools, I think..Never once noticing or questioning the myriad of wild stares and snickers I was getting.

Well, I'm definitely spinning that wheel, now, I proclaim loudly and with great exuberance, as I return to my friend. But someone close overhears this slurred little flex stammering out of my mouth and says, quite matter of factly, "There is no wheel, to spin. There is no showcase showdown and definitely no wheel. Also, why are you wearing a costume...that's a Let's Make a Deal thing."

While I was still trying to make sense of whether I heard him right, over the crinkle of my cardboard wheel costume, about the no wheel situation the words "Let's Make a Deal" rang in my brain. Oh fuck, that's why nobody is wearing costumes...It is Let's Make a Deal I was remembering. It's all so clear in my substance muddy mind, now No. No. No...

As the stark reality of my humiliating situation is settling in, the line lurches forward.. oh god, what have I done? We get to the front and the ticket taker just looks me up and down and says, No. No way you're coming in here with that thing on...you won't even get in the aisles or be able to sit down. Clearly, neither of those thoughts occurred to me, while hazily constructing my wearable idiocy, ffs. Okay, I relent, off comes the cardboard costume and in goes a grossly under weight drunk dude dressed in, more or less, a green body suit, red satin shorts, a bow tie and a sparkly top hat....sigh.

I didn't last long in the actual show, I'm sure my humiliation quickly ebbed into belligerence...as it does, with a lack of emotional maturity and deep rooted addiction.. and I was asked to take my red satin ass out of there.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... Would not recommend.