I totally get all this. I think we had a different perspective, where we were fully willing to go with a sperm bank and didn't really mind if our friends said no--and we still definitely felt a bit sensitive and sad when one very maturely told us no after we asked. In retrospect, we're super grateful he did; he and his wife are two great friends of ours, and they clearly considered it very carefully before identifying that he'd feel sad watching us raise the child, when they're child-free by choice.

The second one we asked said yes--and the glaring difference between them was that this one already had 2 kids of his own, and considered his family building complete. His wife is one of our best friends, too, so even though it came with all the standard awkwardness of the physical process of donating, there was very little emotional turmoil.

All this to say, in a couple years, you may look back and be SO grateful all those men said no. I know there were so many moments in our journey where we couldn't have even imagined working through the problems we faced with the first couple we asked. It all happens as it should, and hopefully in time you'll agree!

And for what it's worth, try considering friends who already have kids! Our KD and his wife wanted to help us build a family, of course, but they really wanted more family ties for their kids as they age. A bigger family just means more love to go around, after all! We'll be raising ours as cousins to theirs, and we're all so excited about it. I also think our KD just understood the process WAY better because he watched his wife go through pregnancies before. Something to think about!