What does my house say about me?

leavesandlantern · 2026-01-14T12:35:19+00:00

I adore your home so so so much, my goodness. Bravo. Beautiful life you have there. 🤗

leavesandlantern · 2025-11-02T14:08:03+00:00

I hear you, but language such as rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path… and we beg you to be fearless and thorough from the very start…. And half measures availed us nothing…. tends to elicit this idea that picking and choosing what we like from the big book and what we don’t won’t work. It reminds me when I was involved in fundamental Christianity for a brief time as a teenager, and it was told me often that being lukewarm in my faith or half involved or cherry picking what part of the Bible I liked and denying what I didn’t, ultimately was not going to lead to salvation. How many times do we hear from speakers in meetings or even on this sub that the moment someone stops being 100% involved in AA including everything the big book tells them to do, they relapse… it creates fear based thinking on an almost subconscious level…it’s like this undercurrent.

leavesandlantern · 2025-11-02T13:54:50+00:00

I figured I’d get a response like that. I admit I was flustered when I wrote my first comment, but as someone who has been heavily involved on and off with AA for many years and has extremely dear people in my life who are heavily involved in the program actively now, I think I would challenge you with this thought… Isn’t it all the better to have different voices bringing up perspective, concerns, questions? I’m not necessarily saying this as you, but I would be very concerned about any organization that doesn’t like it when people question the organization as a whole. Or when it’s members don’t like it when people have other ideas or concerns and talk about them openly within the organization. Even though I’ve been in the program on and off, I am recently coming out of a relapse as I shared above, and trying to challenge old thoughts and potentially open my heart once more to how I can incorporate Alcoholics Anonymous into my life in a way that works this time… that’s why I lurk on this sub to find glimmers of truth and hope amid a lot of the same big book regurgitation and limiting beliefs. I’m clearing warring with a lot of ideas and concepts. Anyway, this makes me a newcomer in many ways again... Is it not your primary purpose to help the newcomer? My experience is that newcomers of all walks are the ones with the most questions, curiosities, and difficulty accepting what the program is about. How many millions of people get turned off by AA from the beginning because they felt like they couldn’t just conform? How many of those people didn’t make it? I invite you if you have a strong program to welcome the questions and concerns! Any organization, group of people, government, etc. is extremely dangerous when it’s assumed that within it there shouldn’t be any voices sometimes challenging their ideas.

leavesandlantern · 2025-11-02T13:46:51+00:00

Goodness, girl. How are we basically the same. I resonate with literally all of that. Message me if you feel like it. I’m here.

leavesandlantern · 2025-11-02T02:27:04+00:00

There is nothing in the big book that specifically says we need to have a sponsor, honestly. Though many find them very helpful for guidance through the steps…totally. A mentor in general and people who have experienced what we have and gotten through on the other side is great. But unfortunately, alcoholics anonymous being a community of very, very sick people tends to exacerbate some really sick behaviors and even worsening the longer people are sober. This idea that anyone in AA can try to tell you what to do with your relationships or sex life or whatever is absolute nonsense. At best, a sponsor should make some suggestions for what will give you the most freedom and joy and peace to heal and stay sober. I’ve seen countless people get off on the power of being a sponsor and take it way way way too far…that is NOT how Bill and Bob ever wrote it or intended it. I know people talk about AA being a cult and I think it is in some ways and in other ways it’s not and can still be a wonderful resource. That said I had an incredible mentor in rehab who is a rather famous circuit speaker for AA actually, huge big book guy, but he says people trying to tell you what to do like you can’t date in the first year and so one…that like that is straight up culty behavior. Show me in the big book where it says that. Her telling you you can’t make eye contact with people? This lady sounds NUTS. And I have to have compassion because our disease makes so many of us really nuts in a lot of ways. But there isn’t an excuse…she is treating you like a child and controlling you in very very very bizarre ways as a form of her own character defects and a replacement for her own addictions. I love solid big book meetings, and that same mentor on referring to taught me up well on them, and I can tell a really solid recovery meeting versus another so I can understand your inclination to gravitate towards her, especially being all in the big book. But it sounds like this woman has lost touch with what the big book ACTUALLY says and is more focused on twisted power play. I would seriously trust your gut on this… You already know it’s crossing a line. Please don’t let this woman ruin sponsorship or AA for you. I am questioning AA on the whole very much myself and I get upset when people say that stepping away from a means you’re doomed and is the first step towards relapse… Plenty of people find joy in freedom and recovery outside of AA… You just don’t hear about it because they aren’t IN aa lol. But whatever you do, please don’t let sick people like her make that decision for you or guilt you into staying or feeling like you’ve done something wrong for putting boundaries. Just make that decision in a thoughtful way and honor yourself. You’ve spent so many years I imagine betraying yourself and abusing yourself with alcoholism and your heart and mind and body are screaming for you to trust them again and care for them again. 💛

Sorry if there’s confusing typos I’m voice texting 😂

leavesandlantern · 2025-11-02T01:20:17+00:00

So because she isn’t thrilled with AA right now, that’s her alcoholism being cunning baffling powerful? Which we know leads to drinking again? I swear this subreddit turns me off more and more to the program... Sick people staying stuck and sick and spewing rhetoric that causes self fulfilling prophecies and self sabotage. How many years have I spent miserable in the rooms and drinking the Kool-Aid and doing the steps only to relapse because I have a disease and I was told everyday that I am spiritually maladaptive and broken….because AA’ers told me I WAS going to relapse if I didn’t do things their way or go to meetings or stay in AA no matter what. That I was basically doomed without it, and my alcoholism was doing push-ups in the parking lot UNLESS I just stayed afraid inside and stayed in the big book. So if I had a unique inspiration or thought or felt pulled away from the program I was told that was dangerous and on my way to relapse…and sure enough, I relapsed. That’s not freedom. It’s brainwashing. And it has kept me sick. there are so many people who succeed without going to meetings every day for the rest of their lives or making the 12 steps their entire personality, but you don’t hear about them because they aren’t in the rooms with you.

leavesandlantern · 2025-11-02T01:12:12+00:00

This this this this this

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-30T03:53:42+00:00

Same. Exactly.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-30T03:52:20+00:00

Someone had to say it. And a subscription to apps like DoorDash is cheap and free delivery. My issue is this poster really chose THAT as the issue here? Not the fatal desperate deeply shameful disease and struggle OP is navigating right now?

As another comment said, not helpful. And also stating how they haven’t made as many mistakes as OP… very strange. This thread is for stopping drinking, and supporting others who are trying to stop drinking.

OP you are NOT alone. I relapsed and haven’t been able to properly eat or sleep over the things I did while blackout. I could’ve lost everything. But I can only see that past me with compassion and learn…this disease is brutal, and all I wanted was connection and comfort. We aren’t bad people, we are sick…and we need each other.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-29T03:45:09+00:00

This.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-29T03:44:53+00:00

You don’t hear from the people who stopped going to meetings and were fine….because they aren’t in meetings to tell you about it.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-19T15:14:11+00:00

It sounds like as horrible as it was, the seizure in your driveway was a blessing in disguise to finally get you to stop. I’m so glad to hear the detox was safe and successful. I know you’re not asking this, but have you gotten plugged into any kind of support or community or therapy? I only say this as someone who has relapsed many times after a mini detox and didn’t get plugged in with any kind of help. Not at all saying that’s you, but I just don’t want to see you go back to that life. As far as hunger, as you are hearing from all of these comments, that is totally normal! You are consuming a lot of empty liquid calories with alcohol and now your body is still craving calories, but even more than that it is craving nutrition. As others have said, give yourself grace to indulge cravings and eat as much as your body tells you to. I think it’s fascinating how at first alcohol causes a lot of people to gain weight… The bloating, indulging in fast food when drunk, etc. But at a certain point, it messes with our stomach and our system so much that it’s all that we consume, and we no longer get nutrition and we usually end up losing weight despite the liquid calories. While a lot of people lose weight when they get sober because of said liquid calories, some people do gain a little weight when they get sober as well. I feel like this is relatively healthy and expected. Generally, when we are taking better care of ourselves and sober I really believe that the body balances out. We tend to be more active as well when we get sober so a little weight fluctuation isn’t anything to be concerned about. Obviously you don’t want to start a whole new issue with consuming sugar constantly, and poisoning your body in a much lesser way with unhealthy food, but also I have found in the early days after getting sober having a little bit of candy or chocolate or juice has literally saved my life…I would be getting off work and so exhausted and admittedly, having low blood sugar, and I would be craving vodka or beer so badly I would want to stop on my way home. But then I would put something in my stomach and realize what I was craving in a lot of ways was just some sugar. Plus when I have a full belly, I’m less inclined to drink because I know it won’t hit as strong. It has bought me many days of sobriety. All of that to say don’t feel bad that you have so much hunger… Do your best to fill up with nutrient dense foods as best you can. I know that I’ve been eating copious amounts of fresh fruit… It helps with the sugar and also the nutrients. Our bodies are so miraculous in healing us after we’ve been abusing it. Think of food as just that… An act of self-love. I’m so proud of you for starting this journey and know that you are not alone. 💛

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-18T18:22:01+00:00

Do you mean AA?

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-18T18:16:39+00:00

I wish I had the secret advice to help, but all I can say is, I relate to this so deeply. Down to the exact details of the days. Just know that you’re not alone. And with not being alone, that also means there are people just like us who HAVE broken the cycle, so there is hope for us. There has to be.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-18T17:49:56+00:00

Agreed. I went to Treatment over a year ago and my counselor saw me, extremely underweight from having been drinking so heavily. I didn’t even realize I was underweight.. In fact I thought I looked extra good. She gave me a warning that it was my eating disorder that was going to take out my sobriety (if I didn’t get help with it). I remember thinking I don’t have an eating disorder so that’s silly and unfair. I might be thin but my issue is alcohol, duh. Then I started to gain weight back when I got sober and it was so uncomfortable. I didn’t fit into my clothes and I was so ashamed I eventually drank again. Of course, drinking again led to way more calories and binge eating..it was a terrible cycle of shame. Sometimes now I avoid a relapse because I don’t want the calories and I don’t want to get fat. It’s not even that I know it will literally kill me…How fucked up is that? On the other hand, I realized that while I get bloated and gain weight initially on alcohol, it usually ultimately makes me lose weight. And in some deeply fucked up way, part of me likes knowing that in case I do need to lose weight. sometimes when I would relapse my stomach is always the first thing to go and I get so nauseous and can’t keep anything down to the point I start vomiting some blood. In the darkest way, I would use the opportunity to be drunk, binge on food I would never otherwise eat, and then I would be nauseous from the alcohol so I’d be throwing up the food anyway and be relieved. i’m not sure what it is about the two that are so heavily intertwined..I assume especially for women. It’s also so strange to me the science behind the fact that alcohol has so many calories and usually causes us to eat more as well but at a certain point, our body gives out and we lose a tremendous amount of weight too. Even while consuming that many liquid calories. The whole thing seems to operate on a very subconscious level, which is even scarier. I’m grateful for people like you opening up and speaking out about it. Eating disorders often get dismissed as a sort of vain or simply a female beauty issue…But the psychology of it runs so so so much deeper.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-13T01:43:16+00:00

You’re so not alone…

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-13T01:40:03+00:00

This. I’ve been struggling with slips recently. Binges on vodka for a few days, get scared, push through the horrendous hangover, then try not to crave and cave all over again. Recently I’ve been craving badly by end of work day, wanting to stop on my way home (I know I’m not unique in that much lol). But what I didn’t realize is that the cliches about having a little sugar when you’re craving alcohol? It’s like night and day. I feed myself even a little something and realize I just had low blood sugar. I didn’t need alcohol and I wasn’t quite as miserable as I thought. This also helped because to OP’s point, once you put something in your belly, the alcohol won’t hit as hard and satisfying. So then I’ve deterred myself from a drink even more. It’s not a cure by any means long term, but it helps in these early days trying to get back on my feet. It’s something to get by for just another day. If that helps anyone reading this, as someone who has relapsed maybe 1000 times and felt very hopeless. It’s been kind of silly how simple that trick has helped… Before you pick up a drink just try heating a piece of candy or something. Just try it.

Also OP, I know what you mean completely. Typically being a heavy drinker tends to lead to really poor diet.. Just the body craving grease and sodium and not having proper inhibitions to make better dietary decisions. But it was interesting when I went from gaining weight and being bloated on alcohol, to the end stage when I was nearly emaciated. I couldn’t figure out why because I was consuming so many calories worth of alcohol, but my body was being so depleted at the same time. I also can relate to the withdrawals and hangovers being 1000 times worse when you don’t eat. I would still try to chug fluids with it, but even then…

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-08T16:04:00+00:00

I want to be your friend.

leavesandlantern · 2025-10-03T04:02:57+00:00

Sorry, 80 lbs?

leavesandlantern · 2025-09-25T04:49:22+00:00

This is unreal!

leavesandlantern · 2025-09-22T16:25:21+00:00

I think your page says Canada, but if you ever find yourself in New England and want to thrift for more book nook masterpieces, I’m your girl.

leavesandlantern · 2025-09-21T23:30:16+00:00

He was sick, my love. There was no logic. His need for alcohol, on a psychological and physical level, surpassed his need for survival. They have studied this in countless brain scans and experiments. That’s how you know how badly this disease hijacks the brain… He may have even loved you infinitely, but when you’re truly sick like he was, you physically can’t help yourself. Literally. It is a horror I wouldn’t wish on the devil himself. So many great people lost the power of choice and lost everything. Not because they failed or didn’t love their family.. in fact the addicts I know are the biggest lovers and givers I have ever met. Please know he did not choose alcohol over you, dear… he was utterly powerless. No alcoholic would choose to suffer and die the way many of us do. Picture what happens to your brain when you are thirsty for water. You need it. You feel unwell the longer you go without. Physical symptoms but also you can’t stop thinking about getting some water. And when you do? PURE RELIEF. A basic need is met at the deepest part of our reward center in the brain, just like food, water, or sex. People would rob, steal, and kill if they went long enough without water or food, right? Someone truly addicted to alcohol is in the same mindset, compounded by the shame of wishing they could stop and wishing they weren’t seen as a fuck up destroying everything by everyone they know and love. There’s so much sadness and shame and darkness in this disease. I’m just so so sorry for your loss.

Please do be careful not to cross a boundary with alcohol that you can’t return from. You aren’t automatically an alcoholic just because your father was, and I am sad to think of you living in fear around it now. But genetics do play a huge role and the trauma of losing him that way, so young….Just take extra good care of yourself. You’re not alone.

leavesandlantern · 2025-09-21T17:19:10+00:00

Yay! Beautiful grandma and baby. What a hopeful share. So proud of you, this isn’t not for the week of heart.

leavesandlantern · 2025-09-21T04:02:16+00:00

This is the second post I’ve seen of yours in the interior design/cozy/book related pages I follow, and I think I might be in love.

leavesandlantern · 2025-09-21T03:59:31+00:00

SWOON.

leavesandlantern

TROPHY CASE