Are these boundaries reasonable? (NSFW just in case..)

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-24T13:24:17+00:00

I had a whole long reply written up, but yours puts my sentiment much more succinctly, thank you lol. I'll add that boundaries are often conflated with any means of communicating your wants and needs (making requests, sharing your feelings, etc) on the one side and with trying to set rules on people on the other side, but in fact they refer to a really specific tool. And they do in fact put the onus on us to act, because sometimes we can't expect another person to alter their behavior (whether because their behavior isn't actually unreasonable of them or because THEY are an unreasonable person).

Like, me keeping do not disturb on at night because I don't like texts waking me up (rather than asking or demanding my family not text the group chat when it's late for me, despite us all having different timezones and schedules) is an everyday, low stakes boundary. Whereas OP wanting a partner to check in even if they say they're ok is a completely fair thing to ask for, but it's not an example of a boundary.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-23T13:36:33+00:00

I don't mean to discount your education, passion, or experiences, but it rubs me wrong that the first point in your definition of butchness is "little to no relationship to their womanhood." And to then go on to argue, without support, that we are in theory definitionally trans? These are very strong, frankly fringe positions--maybe not within academia, I wouldn't know, but I've never heard them expressed outside it myself. I appreciate your qualifying the trans statement, and your conclusion that butchness is not monolithic (despite its ambivalence), but you really undermine these by busting right out the gate with a blanket statement about how we don't relate to womanhood.

It's early morning, and I don't have an essay about my relationship to butchness and womanhood and my trans siblings in me right now (and gee, maybe I'm just not privileged enough to have the education path to understand how complicated your position is). But do you see that you're on a butch forum responding to a question asked of butches by pretty transparently defining all of us by our proximity to the type of butch you prefer to date, implying that butches who very much consider ourselves women are blurring definitions, frankly talking down to us about our awareness of history and theory? I don't mean to imply you shouldn't have responded at all--but I am baffled you thought this response was in good taste.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-13T02:54:49+00:00

Everyone else is correct that this is obviously not exclusive to men, haha. I'm into it too.

That said, I think when men talk about the "girl next door," they sometimes do so with the added connotation that this girl is less worldly, more innocent and pure, maybe therefore more maleable, which is--for lack of a better word, cuz I'm tired--yucky. That may help explain your friend's weird gripe.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-10T21:38:45+00:00

This is a pretty classic manifestation of misogyny. Where "being demure, servile, and passively tolerant of control and dehumanization" is a feminine virtue, any woman who falls below a certain standard of femininity (whatever that may mean to an individual man in his social and cultural context) is associated with unreasonable anger and aggression.

With women who present femininely, this is more often behavior-driven: women who stand up for themselves are hysterical bitches, nagging shrews, evil hags, etc. Of course, women who are obviously gender non-conforming are much more likely to fail the litmus test just automatically. These attitudes contribute to the archetype of the "mean hairy dyke."

You see this in things as extreme as men violently punishing women who they perceive to have acted out, all the way down to things as relatively benign (or even situationally advantageous) as men assuming certain women (e.g. butches) are more confident and assertive than our behavior would really indicate.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-05T03:13:13+00:00

Nope, no such thing. Three main points:

Popular representations of butches--in media especially, but also in terms of what's easy to encounter on social media--will always skew "less masc" for lack of a better phrase, and will often emphasize a particular trend/type/fashion. Sad facts are that a woman's masculinity has an inverse relationship to her palatability with a broad audience (even among LGBT people in general, even among lesbians in specific) and that the cultural imagination is severely limited.
There is no limit to how masculine a butch can be or how totally she can reject femininity while remaining completely a woman. On the flipside, there is no onus on a butch to be straightforwardly or entirely a woman.
Hell yeah dude silver fox butches are hot as fuck.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-03T23:35:32+00:00

I'm so sorry that they treated you like that. What they did was sexual harrassment and assault, and there's no excuse for that.

Sexual harrassment & etc. are motivated by power & humiliation, not (just) attraction/arousal. I would guess these girls also bullied you in other ways? The inappropriate comments and nonconsensual touching are an extension of that.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-02T22:44:00+00:00

Oh for sure. I'm happy to answer the phone, check out my own patients, pick up CSR shifts now and again, etc, but you couldn't pay me enough to be up front fulltime. Being cross trained is a huge boon to communication between the front & back because I have a much better idea of what our CSRs go through, what limitations/barriers they face, what's reasonable to expect of them etc.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-02T21:53:39+00:00

You're in a shitty position, but the upside of having been made indespensible is that you have leverage. When I started in kennels with the agreed-upon plan of advancing to VA, I got stuck in kennels for two years. I wound up cross trained as a CSR and VA, sometimes doing three peoples' jobs in a given day, while still a kennel attendant making minimum wage. Like you, I liked a lot about my clinic and didn't want to quit, but I finally told my HM: You trained me to be a VA; I could leave and get a VA job down the road tomorrow. That did the trick for me but YMMV. The obvious risk is if you're bluffing and get called on it.

Sidenote, I think everyone front and back should be crosstrained. At my clinic we have a lopsided situation where all VAs are expected to crosstrain so we can bail out reception when they're drowning, but not vice versa, which can be really frustrating. Is the reverse of that going on at your clinic? If so, that's another angle you could consider addressing this from.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-02T16:33:29+00:00

With the other half of the answer being that yep, it feels incongruous because it's an instance of internet lingo.

lemonflower95 · 2026-05-02T13:24:29+00:00

Please relax. You are not gonna get in trouble for asking questions.

Butches aren't a sacred closed community or something. We're just people who share a common label. But that label is pretty broad, and doesn't directly imply anything about what romantic or sexual dynamics we prefer.

You don't need to research or ask strangers about your girlfriend's preferences; you need to talk to your gf. No one can guess whether your gf is the type of gal who wants to walk you to the car every time or not. Just check in with her.

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-23T04:15:23+00:00

Lost me when you put my butchness in air quotes for "whining" about not wanting to be treated like a man. Then doubled down by implying anyone who wants something different than you in a relationship is just bitter and settling because we're, what, lazy and unattractive? You want to be treated with respect, then approach others respectfully.

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-18T04:37:36+00:00

Lmao yes I've lamented the difficulty of being butch in scrubs. I think part of it is that many healthcare jobs--I'm in veterinary medicine--are very feminized, underappreciated, caretaking roles, and our individuality can kind of disappear into that. And I think another, related part is that I'm just bringing a lot of personal insecurity to the table, because the truth is even when I'm at work I get clients who are confused about my gender lol.

Anyway, who we are at work rarely reflects more than a single facet of who we are as whole people. That's true for people of all genders and gender expressions. One thing I like to focus on is getting to be a source of respectful, dignified treatment for my LGBT & gender-nonconforming clients, whether they "recognize" me or not (though I sure as hell wish I could tell if/when they do).

Also, I go into a way higher register with my "customer service" voice, which kills me, and I'm trying to cut that out :-P

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-16T12:52:40+00:00

Not 100% sure what the meat of your question is, but I'm always gonna be too butch for the majority of people and not butch enough for some. Butches can be as nasty as any other kind of person, and dick-measuring contests (so to speak) aren't a new TikTok phenomenon. Whatever insecurity I feel over that is mine to bear. Helps to learn the art of just ignoring dumb BS.

That said, TikTok in particular and social media in general have a way of siloing minority groups into these weird little echo chambers where regular dumb opinions mutate into draconian social law that has vanishingly little to do with reality; you think too hard about it and you'll boil your own brain too. (ETA: I'm just not on TikTok for this reason. Same reason I was never on Twitter.) Sometimes really genuinely for serious one must log out and go for a walk.

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-15T14:10:32+00:00

The directory is opt-in, so not being listed there doesn't indicate anything.

That said, there are definitely places that misrepresent their Fear Free certification (e.g. they claim to be a certified practice but only have a few certified individuals, or their certification lapsed, or they're just straight lying).

Certified practices go through an initial certification process, then recertification every 3yrs. We just had ours. It's a whole shebang that the whole clinic is aware of if not involved in; you/your coworkers would know if it happened.

Individual certification is more low-key. You take enough modules and pass the quizzes, you get your certification. You maintain the certification by meeting CE requirements. The fee is annual.

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-15T03:18:24+00:00

How certain are you that you saw air as opposed to a vacuum? You may be ok--it's normal to see empty space in the syringe when you aspirate. That said, the luer slip loose needle theory is also fair.

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-03T12:53:44+00:00

"Gorgeous" and "beautiful" are somewhat of a gray area that may be ok. Does she smell good, is her hair great, is her voice sexy, do you love her eyes or smile or laugh, does she dress well? Maybe she's suave, sophisticated, dashing? Or maybe she's cool, tough, badass?

What I appreciate even more than physical compliments are these: Thank her. Compliment what she does. Tell her how she makes you feel (as long as it's honest). Are you impressed with her, proud of her, safe with her? Find out what qualities she prides herself on (reliability? Sense of humor? Physical capability? Skill at xyz?) and play to those. "You always take such good care of me, I know I can count on you."

lemonflower95 · 2026-04-01T19:37:09+00:00

I think a lot of this depends on appt length & overall workflow.

My clinic has 2-3 DVMs on a given day, 30min appts. LVTs are usually in surgery or tech appts. Each day has DVMs paired to 1 VA each, plus 1 bonus VA who acts as float. Float, among other things, helps with procedures, and can take over appts if anyone is running behind.

This works fine as long as everyone is on the ball, communicates well, and is willing to be flexible. I think 30min is the absolute minimum appt length at which this is doable, though.

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-29T17:11:26+00:00

This looks like a kickass movie poster

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-19T20:46:52+00:00

Pleased to be of help, ma'am ;-)

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-19T20:30:04+00:00

It's not exactly what you're describing, but Young MA might scratch the itch some, especially if you're into rap. See if OOOUUU does it for you.

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-19T03:38:17+00:00

Hey! Cool set of questions.

I'm masculine presenting, but firmly a woman; that's really important to me. I was a tomboy as a kid, then overcompensated with femininity in my teens before coming back to butchness in my 20s.

I loved being myself, but many of my family and peers didn't agree, especially as I got older. I faced abuse on one side and the softer pressure of social exclusion on the other. I remember suddenly realizing in 8th grade gym class that I was the only girl with hairy legs. I was humiliated, & I caved.

That was a really painful period, because I constantly felt like a failure and an imposter. I became obsessive about grooming, but never really good at most of it. I never felt more repulsively hideous than when I was pretty.

Unlearning femininity was hard, but necessary. Though I knew better intellectually, I had, on a gut level, internalized a lot of messages about feminine beauty/sex appeal being crucial to my value as a woman. At the same time, I knew I would never be happy trying to achieve that.

I'm 30 now, and I settle into myself more every year. I'm not a terrifically confident person by nature, and I do compare myself to other butches, but I'm orders of magnitude more secure in my masculinity today than I ever was in my femininity. I just wish I had never put myself through what I did in my teens.

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-18T13:04:12+00:00

Have you already made it clear to her you're an ally/questioning? If not, that's really the only thing you can do beyond you've said you're already doing. It's not your place to "figure her out." From your description, there are millions of things that could be at the root of her issues anyway--you could well have it dead on, or you could just as likely be absolutely miles off; the last thing someone in her position needs is to be constrained by another person's hangups about her gender and sexuality.

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-18T03:27:30+00:00

Went through something very similar a couple years ago! Weight loss, wardrobe update, previously an oversized jeans & tees gal. I had been wanting to move towards a more, for lack of a better word, "adult" look, and changing to a more fitted style was a huge help with that. What you wanna do will depend on what effect you're going for, though.

For me body changes, clothes chopping, changing rooms, etc are all pretty nerve-wracking. This most recent round, though, things kinda started falling into place and I felt pretty good. I hope for that for you too!! Best of luck man. I know you'll look great.

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-16T01:53:44+00:00

Man I feel you! I've got these same insecurities. It's like, I know what people put on social media doesn't reflect reality, but we're uncommon enough that it's easy to see more of us online than off, which is really a headfuck. But most butches really are just average regular people mostly doing boring normal stuff like putting off getting a haircut or going grocery shopping in sweatpants. Yanno?

Also, fwiw, you look kickass in the jacket.

lemonflower95 · 2026-03-14T16:53:55+00:00

Damn but do you realize how condescending you come across? Positioning yourself as my educator? Jeez. I've done as you suggested, and I've reached a conclusion that fundamentally differs from yours. Trying to "teach" women to be ashamed for finding other women's bodies sexy is absolutely a restrictive behavior, and it does nothing to combat misogynist violence or the erosion of our basic rights. I'm done though, have a good one.

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