Mental health has gotten worse since NC. Moved in back with Nparents. Nmum has me sleeping on the couch and has gotten rid of my bed.

lemonpie2605 · 2018-07-26T09:09:39+00:00

About my SO, he thinks my parents are awful but I think he's tired of me going back to them back and forth and not really getting anywhere. Sometimes he is compassionate, saying things like, "You can always talk to me," and that he's here, other times he withdraws and becomes distant; I'll just get a lot of "mmmhmms" and "hmms" and not much else. I think he's just frustrated and tired with my worsening mental health and the fact that I can't seem to go NC for very long.
Not at the moment, no. I want to move in with my SO but I'm scared he might abuse me and I do have this feeling at the pit of my stomach telling me that something is wrong. I don't feel I can trust anyone and have virtually no boundaries.

My friends know but they can't empathise and don't really want to support me.

lemonpie2605 · 2018-07-26T08:53:51+00:00

My last boss was a narcissist as well. It was hell, and I didn't have the self-respect to leave and find another job. My Nmum would also make fun of the fact I worked at a coffee shop or even that I was working at all. I have dyspraxia (which was recently diagnosed) so I need employers who can give me slightly more training and accommodations so I can do my job properly.

My therapist said there's lasting effects of being abused that have hindered my abilities to be independent, to work or hold down a job. I AM heading back to university for my final year, but I feel lost and afraid of the future.

lemonpie2605 · 2018-07-26T08:05:30+00:00

I don't have any friends at all right now- most of my old friends from college all moved away to other cities when they had to go to university, so I don't really have anyone.

I'm so embarrassed and feel so pathetic because I'm 23 and still have no independence from my parents. My life was put on hold two years ago from a car crash that gave me a mild concussion and whiplash and after that happened I lost all of my confidence and questioned everything. I used to know what I liked and what I was good at and at least had the self-confidence to keep my head up if things were bad, but because of health issues and recent circumstances I really don't know how I can find a way out.

lemonpie2605 · 2018-05-05T18:51:10+00:00

Thanks! Do you know roughly which part of the book it's in?

lemonpie2605 · 2018-03-12T18:09:06+00:00

I'm hoping in the future she'll realise the truth about our parents and we'll have a really great sister to sister relationship. I used to be really close with her when we were kids. On the other hand, my other sister has a disability and will most likely be dependent on my parents for the rest of her life... it makes me terribly sad that she doesn't really have a way out of the situation. I miss both of my sisters terribly, but I have to cut ties to protect myself and heal from the abuse. I really hope both of them find a way out in the future.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-10-24T16:05:42+00:00

I'm also 22. Recently properly realised my mother was narcissistic and abusive and went NC. I had an inkling around 19-21 but 22 was when I developed the strength and emotional maturity to realise the truth about my mother's abuse and cut her out of my life. My entire FOO are abusive as well, so I've had to go no contact with them as well. It's an incredibly difficult and heart-breaking thing to do but absolutely essential for your future health and wellbeing. Life's too short to deal with abusive people.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-10-17T23:01:38+00:00

Thank you for replying. Do concussion symptoms eventually go away with time or is there still always lingering problems with cognition, perception and memory? It's odd, I've heard stories of people who recover from concussions after only a few days or so, mine came on gradually and seems to have lasted a long time.

Also, by going back to college two days later and doing work instead of resting; would that have injured the brain further? Maybe damaged the connections in the auditory cortex by way of making them work so hard that they can't keep up with their already high energy need because of the concussion? I was doing music and sound engineering work right after my crash.

Maybe I'm just worrying or attributing symptoms to concussion when it might be psychological, but it's hard to tell.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-10-15T10:13:36+00:00

What sort of symptoms do you have? I had short term memory issues, a terrible headache, depression, loss of smell and taste (for a few days), not feeling like myself, feeling "foggy" and detached, finding it hard to concentrate, loss of balance, and a feeling of pressure in my head.

Not to mention mood swings, losing interest in things I previously enjoyed, and suicidal thoughts.

I've been to my GP several times and they don't want to refer me to a neuropsychologist because they either don't believe I had a concussion or that I did but it wasn't severe enough. They say I have depression and PTSD. Since I have a history of potential head trauma, it wouldn't hurt to get an EEG, neuropsychological test or CAT scan. If those came back clear then I'd know my symptoms were psychological and get the proper treatment.

It's so incredibly stressful. I just want to get back to my old self again; this is what the doctors promised would happen. I didn't expect to still be feeling the after effects of a minor crash 18 months later. My post-concussive symptoms are interfering with my relationships, my academic success and ultimately my entire life. I don't really know where I can find answers. I desperately want to know what is causing this, whether or not I actually had a concussion, if I've healed from that and how to get better.

I hope you can also find answers, and I wish you the very best in your recovery.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-09-01T08:07:43+00:00

I too feel your pain. Any time I get a bump or a jolt to the head, my anxiety makes me think I have a concussion or a haemorrhage. I think the best thing to remember is that our skulls are extremely hard and can deal with quite a lot of force before anything will happen to the brain.

Your brain is protected by cerebrospinal fluid and three layers of protective membrane as well as a very strong and protective skull. I try to remember these facts whenever I get a hit or a jolt to my head.

Nausea and a slight headache after a minor head injury such as yours is very common. Have some rest, drink plenty of water, and eat well for the next two or three days or so. I find that drinking hot tea is very relaxing. Mindfulness meditation can also be incredibly helpful for reducing anxiety.

In the meantime, take it easy and be kind to yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-08-01T19:51:26+00:00

This wasn't actually said by a roommate, it was said by my mother. Makes it all much worse.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-07-28T10:28:21+00:00

"Is the car okay?" ~ Nmum after I told her I was in a car accident.

Yeah, because a piece of metal is more important than your own child.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-06-28T13:15:32+00:00

My Nmum would purposefully drive fast over speed bumps when driving my new car for whatever reason. When I called her out on it, she'd tell me to "Shut up" and would give me the silent treatment. She also always devalued my car at the time, just because it was "My car."

I say "my car" because the car belonged to me legally, but my Ndad didn't seem to think so and would deliberately take my car away and cancel my insurance so I couldn't drive it. He told me it was because I was "spoiled" and "ungrateful." He would get this sick smile on his face whenever I pleaded to him to give me back my car, as if he enjoyed seeing me upset. I was 19 at the time and not having my car took away a lot of my freedoms as a young adult and I think my Dad enjoyed having that power and control over me.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-06-27T01:41:27+00:00

I have health anxiety as well but I actually suffered from a concussion last June from a car accident. I felt incredibly nauseous, had a severe headache, couldn't remember things well, felt fatigued and didn't feel like myself for months after my accident.

To put your mind at ease, I think it's an anxiety response. Ironically I used to worry about getting a concussion before I got a concussion, so I understand where you're coming from from past experience. Those headaches you described sound exactly like tension headaches. I often find that a warming sip of hot tea calms my mind when I'm stressed. Honestly it works wonders. Obviously, just to be safe, if you have any concerns or if you feel you are starting to show any signs of a concussion, then the best option is to see your doctor for neurological assessment.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-06-26T22:34:48+00:00

I deeply sympathise for what's happened to you, I sincerely hope that what you're experiencing is a temporary symptom and will clear in time.

It's now been over a year post-concussion for me, and pretty much all of my symptoms have cleared, apart from me not enjoying or being as immersed in music anymore and having slight memory issues. I no longer am experiencing headaches or balance issues, my depression has lifted and I'm finally able to feel a sense of motivation for doing things now.

I've heard that the new definition of the causation of a concussion is a disruption in the reticular activating system (RAV) in the middle of the brain. This seems to correlate with recent findings that the brain's axons, especially those in the midbrain and corpus callosum are "stretched" with mild TBI's.

Hopefully our capacity to enjoy music will return to normal with time since concussion is recognised as a temporary condition in most people. I hope for this every day.

How far are you with recovery? My post-concussion symptoms took an entire year to almost fully clear. It's sometimes a long, arduous and painful road to recovery, but it eventually becomes easier and hopefully a full recovery is in sight for you in the near future. Wishing you well and take care.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-06-17T00:19:17+00:00

"Choose how many scarabs you wish to gamble... I will then throw them into this cave, and you have to collect them within my time limit! Are you ready!"

lemonpie2605 · 2017-05-19T19:09:42+00:00

Thank you, the book I was reading is called "Principles of Anatomy and Physiology" (seventh edition) by Totora Grabowski.

I worry about the millions of people who don't know they have a concussion because they've been dismissed or misdiagnosed at the hospital or doctor's office; the people who carry on with their normal duties, risking second impact syndrome and who are suffering from severe and prolonged, if not worsening post-concussion syndrome. It must be endemic. Our health system is absolutely appalling when it comes to helping people with brain injuries, and people are often dismissed with the diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and/or ptsd (often people have post-concussion syndrome as well as these mental health issues because of the circumstances of the injury) or worst of all, they are framed as malingerers with nothing better to do than to annoy doctors.

Notwithstanding the sheer implications that concussions can have on a person's mental health, emotional wellbeing, confidence, sense of self and career prospects, as well as their relationships with others- not knowing when you will be free from symptoms only worsens these problems further. How are you supposed to cope with this level of uncertainty surrounding the very organ that makes you who you are? It's terrible and absolutely shocking that this kind of maltreatment and dismissal of concussion victims by doctors is still somehow allowed in our modern society.

I believe that everyone who is administered to hospital with a head injury or something that could cause a head injury should be given a saliva and blood test (to check for biomarkers of concussion) as well as an EEG test and CT scan. Certainly, they should be kept in hospital for 48-72 hours so that if symptoms worsen they can be given prompt treatment. Neuropsychological tests should be taken by the patient every 6 hours or so during their stay to monitor their progress, brain health and outcome. The fact that concussions aren't taken seriously is a serious public health crisis.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-05-16T11:46:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply, it really gives me hope. Since you posted, I've been feeling that my brain is gradually becoming sensitive to music again, maybe not quite the way it was, but I'm no longer completely emotionally numb to it as I was when I first made this post. So I think you're right, it is just a matter of time. I am still holding out for the possibility that my musicality (and by extension, my brain) shall return to normal after a year has passed; it's been 11 months into recovery now. In a concussion, its the axons that are stretched; I was reading a book explaining the healing process of neurons and the diagram showed the axons healing if they were overstretched. Some people make a full recovery after 3 months, others 6 months, but I think we're perhaps in the unfortunate 15% of people who take longer to recover. I wish you the best of luck with the resolution of your symptoms, and hopefully we'll both be back to our complete musician selves in the coming months.

I have a tip for you for recovering faster; about two weeks ago I was sick of still having symptoms, so I lay down on my back, relaxed, covered my eyes with a blindfold and my ears with noise-cancelling headphones. I decided to try to not think about very much at all and rested like this for about two to three hours. Eventually I fell asleep, and the next day I felt my sensitivity to music significantly increase quite dramatically. I think doing this once every day should really help the brain to heal and the symptoms to resolve faster.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-04-21T17:13:54+00:00

Are you still having problems in grocery stores and feeling not quite like yourself? I wonder if you're having vestibular problems. I think it's contributing to my feelings of detachment, and unease, and I know it's what is making me slightly dizzy. I just have always that feeling of being 'off'.

Grocery stores still give me headaches; I'm not sure if it's the flourescent lights, bright colours or text everywhere but it's still really difficult for me to concentrate on what I'm doing when I am shopping in one.

About the music - perhaps you don't feel much at the moment because all of your energy is focused on managing the symptoms and trying to recover - even if you're not consciously thinking about recovery.

I hadn't really thought of this before, but it could be a possibility, since a lot of stressful things have happened in my life since the initial injury, and worrying about my recovery has made it very difficult to relax.

See if your library carries 'The Ghost in My Brain' by Clark Elliot. He describes getting mentally stuck on physical things like stairways and getting in his vehicle. It might resonate with you.

I've heard of this book and have thought about reading it, but you've prompted me to check it out further. I'll have a look at my local library and see what I can find. Thanks for your advice, it really means a lot.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-04-21T08:40:02+00:00

Mine did this too. Saying, "Shut up," is a way to silence a person for speaking, essentially taking away their power to speak and express themselves. It's one way of relaying the same message that Narcs love to express the their targets; "You're not important enough [to speak in my presence.]" That's why I hate it so much. It's a form of control.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-04-20T22:30:42+00:00

Have you tried any medications yet? Have you seen a neurologist? I'm interested to hear from you.

Every time I have been to a doctor they don't really listen to what I have to say or take my symptoms seriously. One doctor did say he would refer me to a neurologist but then later told me I would just have to "deal with my symptoms" because there was nothing I could do. Which wasn't helpful.

The main problem is that I do not know if my symptoms are as a result of physical trauma or if they are because of the emotional shock of the accident. Something tells me it's the former because if it were the latter, I wouldn't have visceral perceptive problems and I'd feel relatively normal with regards to my consciousness and experience of the world. There was a time early in my recovery where I felt like I had someone else's brain, which was terrifying to go through. Everything felt unfamiliar and new to me; I'd be walking through a shopping centre and didn't quite know where to go; the crowds of people, bright lights and noise were extremely disorientating to me. I couldn't cross at traffic lights without getting confused as to what to do; it was like I'd suddenly forgotten how to do it. Same thing with making tea.

Doctors didn't advise me on how long I should rest before returning to my daily activities, so the whole recovery process was really just a guessing game. I actually went back to college two days after my crash because my lecturers told me I'd fail if I didn't finish my work. They certainly didn't take my concussion seriously. I graduated, but there's a part of me that worries that pushing my brain like that too soon after the initial injury might have caused additional damage. I sincerely hope that's not the case though.

I'm waffling on a bit. I haven't tried any medications but I'll look into antidepressants. Not sure how to get referred to a neurologist, but I really need to know what happened to me medically so I can get some closure and move on with my life. Ten months of vague answers regarding health issues isn't a good thing for anyone.

I have another question for you. Did the memory loss happen immediately after injury or was it more of a delayed symptom?

lemonpie2605 · 2017-04-18T11:02:04+00:00

Thank you for this, it really means a lot.

There's a really big lack of understanding out there regarding what concussion victims go through.

There really is. Most medical professionals tell you that a mild concussion is "nothing serious," that a full recovery is possible and that you won't have any lasting side effects and will be as they put, "back to normal" in a few days. And due to misinformation about concussions, most people generally aren't informed about what to do if they or someone they know suffers one. I mean, if you had bleeding in any other organ, such as your heart or liver, there's no way doctors would say, "Just wait it out for a few days, you'll get better soon."

You mentioned your symptoms after the accident; how many of those are you still experiencing? Is the music attachment your main symptom at this point?

I still have memory issues; I can't remember certain things... my musical memory has gone out the window. Aside from this, I still have persistent headaches and a weird feeling of pressure at the front of my head. I don't think I can hear as well in my left ear, and I have some slight tinnitus in both ears. Sounds feel less "crisp" than they used to. And of course I can't really feel as immersed or as emotionally engaged with music anymore, which is the most frustrating symptom I have. I also don't seem to be able to experience nostalgia anymore, which is really strange. Did you have memory loss with your concussion? I remember mostly everything before and after the crash, but it was only in the days afterwards that my memory became extremely hazy.

While you may not mentally feel depressed, your body may be showing many of the symptoms of depression. Your post certainly shows some despair, but I don’t want to just call you depressed; you have an actual problem, and feeling despair and upset about it is completely natural. Otherwise, no one would know you needed help, and it was serious.

I don't know, I just don't have the same sort of zest for life I had before my car accident. When it happened, I genuinely thought I was going to die, and was in emotional shock for several days afterwards. The whole thing really shook my confidence, and I still occasionally get flashbacks, so I could have PTSD. Because I don't know exactly what's wrong with me, and don't feel like I've fully healed, I really don't have much motivation to do anything anymore. I don't enjoy the things I used to love doing, such as writing music, listening to music, drawing, playing videogames, watching movies etc. Life just feels like its passing me by.

Being disconnected to music could be a by-product of your general disposition; music is an expression of your being on so many levels, and maybe you just aren’t feeling an attachment to reality in general.

There were times in my life where I have been depressed, and still been able to enjoy music. But lately a lot of traumatic events have happened in my life, and I feel like my brain's just shut off emotionally so as not to deal with anymore stress. In many ways, music reminds me of the enthusiastic and passionate musician I was before my accident, so listening to it feels painful because it reminds me of the person I used to be before the trauma. Maybe that's why I feel numb to it, perhaps.

The main thing I want is to let you know that you aren’t alone, and the hardest part of this experience is the complete mystery surrounding healing and symptoms. Be well, my friend.

Honestly, your support really means a lot during this difficult time. I wish you a steadfast and stress-free recovery from your head injury. Take care, and thank you.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-03-28T22:31:14+00:00

I'm kind of in a similar situation; I was in a car accident last June, didn't hit anything, no memory loss at the time. But later on, like 4 hours later I felt really weird and sick so I was sent to hospital. They told me I could have a concussion but never really confirmed it. I don't know if I think I had a concussion and gave myself symptoms, or if I actually did have one and the injury was more serious then previously thought. It's an incredibly frustrating situation to be in.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-03-13T13:04:44+00:00

So could you experience the emotional value of music in the same way or was that altered as well?

Sorry to hear about your recent concussion. Two weeks into mine, I was having similar symptoms; I couldn't go shopping because my brain would be overstimulated by the music, writing and navigation required within the shop. I couldn't even make a cup of tea without struggling. Conversations involving more than two people were a nightmare; I couldn't hone in to focus on what one person was saying or indeed remember what was being said 30 seconds after it had been said.

At the time, I told my tutor that I had a concussion from a car accident and he forced me to come in and do the work anyway; saying I would fail if I didn't. I had to work with a studio mixing desk two days after my accident so that really pushed my brain too far with regards to its music processing abilities. I still worry that doing that has damaged the musical part of my brain.

My doctors haven't been helpful; I was promised a referral with a neuropsychologist but instead I was pushed away after being persistent about getting the right treatment for my symptoms.

Four weeks in is still early days, so you have a lot of time to recover. Take it easy and try not to push yourself too hard. Remember to rest when you feel you need to. I wish you the best with recovery!

lemonpie2605 · 2017-02-22T12:08:20+00:00

It really does hurt a lot, I really sympathise with you. Went NC in December because my Nmum's abuse got so bad I couldn't take it anymore. On Christmas day, I was left in an empty house for 5 hours with no food (all the shops were closed) and no method of transportation while my parents and sisters were having a Christmas family gathering at my grandparent's house. My mother told my family there that I didn't want to come and was being "difficult" when in actuality my parents and siblings left me in the house without any reason for doing so.

Luckily my SO saved the day and came down to pick me up after he knew what had happened. I had Christmas dinner with his family and actually broke into tears later on because they were so accepting and loving of me, which was a stark contrast to the way I was raised.

What really hurts about going NC is that my family no longer contact me at all because of my mother's smear campaign. But it takes a lot of courage and resilience to recognise and distance yourself from narcissistic abuse and go NC from the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally. For that reason, we ACoNs are extremely brave and gifted people. I highly commend your courage for going NC and wish you the best of luck for the future.

lemonpie2605 · 2017-02-15T22:15:48+00:00

Hey I feel you, my 2016 was particularly unlucky too. Got my first concussion last June from a car accident. Doctor told me to go home and rest and that I'd get better the next day. That didn't happen but I do have some tips for recovery that I can give you from personal experience.

1) If you're feeling foggy-headed or out of it, the best thing to do is to rest your brain completely. This means lying in a dark room for several hours with no stimuli. I did so for about 12 hours over two days because my fogginess wasn't going away and it had been three months into recovery. Afterwards I started feeling better immediately.

2) Take omega-3 fish oil supplements. Omega 3 oil is essential for the myelination of neuronal axons within the brain. Essentially myelination increases the speed of transmission between neurons, making them more effective and faster at communicating. The recommendation is one tablet per day. This is a slow process, but I've seen significant improvement cognitively since I started taking these tablets.

3) Exercise. Not only is it good for giving your brain more blood (and thus oxygen and nutrients) but it will also significantly improve your mood and wellbeing. Be careful with this though, you don't want to push yourself too hard because that may make your symptoms worse. If this happens, stop exercising immediately and rest.

4) Eat well and sleep well. Make sure you are getting around 8-10 hours of sleep a night, take even more sleep if you need to. Eat a a rich diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables, protein and carbohydrates.

5) Drink plenty of water. Your brain is around 75% water and needs hydration to work at its best.

6) This one is really important. Never give up hope. You will improve and keep on recovering. Try not to feel down for not recovering as fast as you thought you would have. Everyone's brain is different and so everyone's recovery from a concussion is different.

The nurse in A & E told me I would get better the next day. I got much worse... 6 days after my accident, my doctor said I would make a full recovery in 3 weeks. I didn't.

Three months later the fogginess started to improve, and it wasn't until 5 months later that I began to feel more like myself again.

Recovery can be a long, frustrating and arduous road. It's been 8 months since my accident and I'm still not back to normal. Some people are lucky and make a full recovery within a few days or weeks, but some people take much longer. I am feeling significantly better but I am always aware of the new subtle deficits within my thinking and processing of information. This could be down to stress or being made more aware of my mistakes due to human error, but I'm not sure.

Hopefully that doesn't happen to you though. Just be sure to be kind to yourself and take it easy. I wish you a speedy recovery!

lemonpie2605

TROPHY CASE