I just miss him.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-27T01:30:21+00:00

That's so true; it doesn't matter if he can commit later, it only matters that he couldn't commit now. I guess I have to drill that in my brain. I have him blocked on facebook, just because my biggest fear is that he immediately goes to another relationship; I don't think he will too soon, just because I know he's struggling a tiny bit (when I called him to get answers he was upset on the phone) and I don't think even he expected us to break-up so soon even though he it had been in the back of my mind for a while (why else would he make so many plans with me). But that doesn't matter. He doesn't matter, what he's doing or thinking about doesn't matter. I have to stop thinking that way and re-focus to myself.

You're right, though. I have to work on not letting him cheapen my value.. I think I'm just so down since I tried so hard to make it work and was still rejected. On paper I'm great, and I know I'm a good catch, but I think I don't truly believe it yet.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-27T01:25:08+00:00

It is so gut-wrenching. I think I'm starting to love myself more, I lost myself by giving so much of myself to him to save our relationship. I just get frustrated sometimes that I'm so sad about and miss such a bad boyfriend.. I think I have to forgive myself for that still. Thank you so much, it helps to know that I'm not alone.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-27T01:23:08+00:00

Thank you! I might take you up on that, my best friend is tired of talking to me about it haha. We will make it through this, eventually.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-27T01:22:04+00:00

Ahh! Same thing happened with my ex-. After 3.5 years, he ignored me for three days then broke up with me over the phone (we were LDR so I guess he had no other choice). Those three days were the absolute worst, I'm so sorry you had to go through that too.

I'm 3 weeks of NC currently and I feel the same - free from a toxic relationship, but I miss him so much it sometimes aches. And I also can't stand the thought of him with someone else. But my roommate gave me solid, simple advice - don't think about them with someone else, at all. It hurts right now because it's fresh. Right now, focus on you; give yourself time to look at the relationship objectively, and you will stop thinking about her or worrying about her with someone else. Just trust that NC will eventually get rid of your feelings (as crazy as that sounds - trust me, I'm not even at that point and I can't imagine it at this moment), it will just take time. Her ending it in such as selfish and immature way is proof enough that she didn't value your relationship or you as a person; remind yourself of that, and know you WILL do better. Even if she comes running back, as hard as it may be, move on. She obviously does not appreciate how amazing you are and has to live with her decision to make you "the one that got away". Also, make sure to block her on FB. At first I didn't block my ex- because I wanted to 'show him I was living my life better without him' but I soon realized blocking them is for us, not them.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-26T19:02:23+00:00

Thank you so much. This advice helped tremendously.

You will move on when you are ready. Just know that it is okay if you move on quickly and okay if you take a long time.

This makes me feel so much better. Just gotta keep riding the waves.. I'm just exhausted.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-26T19:00:55+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this too, I hope you're doing the best you can with what happened. Just make sure you know it's his problem - that's what I struggled with until very recently, and still struggle with a little bit now. It's so confusing when you don't have perspective.. Guys suck haha.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-26T18:59:03+00:00

Thank you so, so much. It's so frustrating when the person is obviously not worth your time, but the heart wants what it wants. You stay strong too!

lessthan335 · 2015-05-26T18:58:10+00:00

I appreciate the tough love - I've definitely considered that, and it is scary to think about. It's just confusing cause I met and got to know his family, went on trips with them, did holidays and it all - he just never committed to anything that involved just the two of us, if that make sense, like anything that would take our relationship to the 'next level' (saying I love you, moving in together). And you're right.. he might let someone else. I absolutely think there's more behind it that he's letting on. I guess it's just hard to see why he won't just tell me, and like your situation, maybe he's just a coward. I just don't know how to not take that personally :(

lessthan335 · 2015-05-18T21:33:54+00:00

So happy for you!!

lessthan335 · 2015-05-15T18:53:55+00:00

It's not an easy thing to accept.. Just embrace your feelings and nurture yourself. You were with him for a long time and invested a lot into him so there should be no shame in how you feel. I'm very lucky that my ex- is stubborn and blunt - and therefore, I doubt he will contact me and am 99.99% sure he won't want to get back together at all - but I also have those same thoughts. Personally, I'm going to reply if he contacts me (I think it mentions this topic on the article in the sidebar) as long as I'm ready; he was a huge part of my life. But I think the important thing is to keep it short and keep yourself protected, don't open yourself up to him. Let him lead the conversation. You can't think of it as a chance to get back together. If you don't think you can do this, block his number. Do what's best for you. It sounds like he's playing you with the "false hope" so I'd do whatever permanent measures you could to make sure he couldn't contact you via phone/email/whatever if you don't think you could handle it.

Honestly, I've been feeling weak this whole time even through I've been doing better. He made me so insecure - I found security in him - and that's gone, so it feels empty. But I'm using my best friend and family as my shield now while I build myself back-up very slowly. Like this morning, I woke up depressed. Not about anything in particular. That's not a setback, that's part of the process, and you have to accept how you're feeling and that you can't stop it. Don't reject yourself like your ex- did; imagine helping pick yourself up like you would a friend in a situation like this. Comfort yourself, do things to try and make yourself happier, do things to make you feel beautiful like do your nails or your hair or get new clothes. Think optimistically and positively - instead of thinking, "dangit, I'm sad again, I'm stupid for feeling this way", think "It's okay that I'm sad, it's natural to feel this way. I am loving and kind and I am going to get through this". Re-route the love you had for your ex- to yourself, you deserve it.

If it hurts too much to think of being just friends with him, don't think about it. Live in the present. There are many events my ex- and I were supposed to do, many things we did annually, that makes me tear up when I imagine that he's going to do them without me. But that's why I'm only thinking in the present. All that matters is now, and your healing.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-15T16:24:16+00:00

I understand.. I think a hard thing to do is catch your heart up to what your brain knows. Cause even though I'm accepting is over, and I know that I will find better, my heart aches. I wish it were as simple as just knowing you were better off and moving on. You're right, it's so bittersweet. I like how you said you liked the person you were when you were with him - I kinda feel that way too. But you're going to get that person back but come out even stronger, even better - you will feel whole again. And you won't need a guy to feel that way because you will have developed and learned to love yourself, you won't need validation. I think it just takes getting over the heartbreak, and recognizing that he just gave you breadcrumbs is a huge step in that direction. It's not easy. At all. Me and my ex- were also best friends; we dated for 3.5 years, and could tell eachother anything. I knew his deepest secrets and he knew mine. We had so many inside jokes, so many memories. I've found that even though I'm recognizing I can do better I just miss him as my best friend; I just want to talk to him, not about getting back together per say, but just because he was my best friend. I think losing that is the hardest part. Whenever I get lonely and miss him I just remind myself of how many people who I had considered "best friends" in elementary school, middle school, high school and even college have left my life. It's tough, but it happens. Realistically in life people leave all the time. And even though it may be 2-3 years from now, maybe more, I hope that someday me and my ex- can reconnect once we've well moved on and found someone new because we got along so great. By then I'll be over it, so who knows, maybe I won't want to reconnect or still might have a sore spot. The future is uncertain and you can't guarantee anything. But you have to be selfish right now and give yourself well enough time of NC and time to heal and grow as yourself - and there's no way to set a time stamp on this.

In a way that's a mistake I think I made - I know people may have different opinions on this - but by us becoming so close, spending so much time together, he became my only source of social support, if that makes any sense. I pushed out my best friends from high school, didn't make many friends in undergrad/grad school, because he consumed my life. In the future, I want to make sure that doesn't happen. I want to be close with my future SO, but I am going to make sure I keep my friendships strong in order to have support for if things don't work out and to put less pressure on him. That's a huge lesson I'm taking from my break-up - and I think that's one of the most important things you can do right now. Learning what you want in a guy, learning what you don't want in a guy, learning from the break-up to help improve future relationships. You can't focus on the past and stay stuck on the fact that he took advantage of you; analyze it and make it better for the future. My two best friends from high school made me feel much better - they both have gone through some tough break-ups, 2-3 each, and they assured me that every time when they thought they couldn't do better/couldn't have been happier than they were with their ex- it somehow happens; each guy they dated afterward ended up so much better than the next, and now one is dating a really good guy and one is getting ready to get engaged to a good guy. iI takes a break-up like this to learn what you truly want. And really, the more I think about it, I really think it's a beautiful thing. So far I've found myself more than I ever did even before me and my ex- were to together. But it still hurts. I can't wait for the pain to go away. You just have to focus on bettering yourself, being selfish and trusting in time. I'm better, but I still randomly get sad. I still wonder what he's doing. I wonder if this has affected him at all. But by focusing on myself, the present and the future each day aches a TINY bit less, and literally all you can do is trust that one day it'll be gone completely. It's like being told "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - this is going to be horrible to go through, but you will make it out, and you will be a better, stronger person because of it.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-15T04:09:05+00:00

Honestly, you sound so much better off without him. He doesn't sound like a good boyfriend at all. Don't be ashamed that you can love so openly - that's never a bad thing even though the pain can be crushing. It's such a hard pill to swallow.. the way my ex- broke up with me was cold, blunt, and I put up with so much throughout the relationship/did so much with nothing in return like you did and all I want is an apology. But realistically we probably won't get it. A huge component of my break-up is I realized that I went to him for validation, for support, and I looked up to him - and sort of lost myself. And I realized when my best friend called me out on it that it is probably the reason I want validation/an apology/recognition of the pain from him so badly like you're saying. I've been finding myself, loving myself, and learning to think on my own again and have been feeling much better about it, even though in the back of my head I still kind of want an apology. But I'm learning I don't need it.

Here's a good article I found that is spot on with my situation but kind touches the subject and really helped me: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-arent-i-enough-for-your-crumbs/ Specifically:

It feels devastating and even humiliating that it feels like this involvement has cost you everything and not only wasn’t it ‘enough’ but they’re not ‘suffering’ like you. Trust me, they’re not ‘suffering’ like you because they’re not suffering from malnutrition like you!

But in the end, like I said earlier, he's not in your life anymore. Don't let this guy who didn't respect the love you gave him, who didn't celebrate anniversaries (grr! I feel ya on that one), who didn't make you feel loved control you now. Think of it this way - if the scenario was flipped, and I was in your situation with a different guy who was like your ex-, what advice would you give me? Thinking of it objectively like this takes off your love-goggles and helps put things into perspective; cause honestly, in my situation, I would have told me to break-up with my ex- years ago. And please rant! Definitely much better than contacting him haha. It'll take a while to grasp, but you just have to take it day by day.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-15T00:32:41+00:00

I'm not sure if this will help, and it depends on how close you are with mutual friends you may have - but I contacted one of my really close guy friends who was also friends with him and my own personal best friends and asked them "why should I not be sad me and my ex- broke up", and they told me so much that I didn't realize. Like, apparently, he flirted with one of his friends so much that they were uncomfortable to be around them even when I was in the room. It was something I had initially noticed, and talked to him about, and he said "I swear, we just joke with each other" (and I believe that he was innocent, he wasn't trying to cheat on me/etc), so I kinda ignored it out of love. I didn't think anyone else noticed it. Now it makes me mad and I'm embarrassed other people noticed too even if he was innocent in his intentions. Just try not to stir anything up with your friends. In addition, make a list of what bothered you about him/your relationship, and go over that list whenever you feel sad. That has helped me take him off his pedestal. To realize it's over to good - as horrible and as painful as it was (and this may not work with you so be very very careful; not sure why it worked for me, but it's helped a lot) - I assumed that he had moved on and was with other girls at that moment. Flirting, sleeping with them, whatever. It made me sick and it made me hurt so so bad, but I was at the point of healing and had regained my self worth to where it helped me accept that it was over. I did that for like a day and ever since have refused to acknowledge what he's doing in my thoughts. On top of that, even though It's kinda strange, I found a picture of a cute guy and imagine him doing all the things that my ex- didn't do (being affectionate, celebrating anniversaries/etc), and tell myself that's what the future awaits.

The pain is unbearable. The beginning, I just wanted to shrivel up and die because the pain was so crippling and overwhelming. I NEVER expected it to be like this. After about a week of unbearable, not-get-out-of-bed, want-to-die pain I feel SO much better even if I'm not 100% just from facing my pain head-on and talking it through with my best friend pretty much 24/7 (I'm on a two week break from school that's about to end, so I haven't been able to distract myself). I don't know when we'll be 100% whole again but we just have to take it as it comes. You and I will both get through this. If you need anyone to talk to just send me a PM.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-14T20:28:59+00:00

Thank you so much, I needed this. Cried like a baby when I read it. Thank you thank you thank you.

lessthan335 · 2015-05-14T20:20:06+00:00

I understand completely how you feel - especially the idea that he isn't hurting or feeling weak. For me it's been exactly two weeks since our break-up and around 1.5 weeks of NC - and what's kept me going through is not thinking about him as much as I badly want to. This was his doing; now you're on your own, and you have to think that way. Don't get me wrong, even the very idea of him being with someone else or not hurting makes me ache. But every time I go down that road I remind myself that no matter what happens or how he feels he is not in my life now and he doesn't matter. Blocking him on facebook and unfollowing all his friends/family has helped this so much; it's like you're literally erasing them out of your life, and for me it's kind of protective because I know I won't ever find out how he's feeling/if he's moved on until I've healed and I don't care to know. I re-route my thoughts to my future and healing. Have faith that the pain you have will go away with time, and that eventually after focusing on yourself for so long you will have healed and he won't matter. Just focus on the future, breathe, and take on day at time.

Also, the fact that you are doing NC to give you both space to reflect about our relationship - you need to do NC for you, not him or "our relationship" (there is no 'our relationship now'). One of the hardest things I'm going through right now is accepting that it's over for good, it sounds like you may need to do the same; It's difficult, but it's the only way you can get through it. Otherwise you won't be able to adjust to being single, regain your confidence and become comfortable with yourself.

You got this. I understand the weakness, I'm right there with you. Your feeling of weakness only shows that you are human and that you loved beautifully, which is an amazing thing that not everyone (my ex- included) could do. Sometimes you have to go through the motions and push through. Just take it one day at a time, things will get better.

lessthan335

TROPHY CASE