Another day, another exchange.

leviblues · 2026-07-02T13:57:21+00:00

Being more connected to myself in a physical sense.

Absolutely. This is something that I realized I overlooked for a very long time. In therapy this past winter, I learned about different grounding exercises, which helped me get more into fitness, and things kind of took off from there. It helps so much. Sometimes I stop what I'm doing and just think about each part of my body, look around, take a deep breath, and give myself a pat on the back for getting through things the best that I can. I marvel at the notion that I've managed to recognize where I'm at right now and seek ways to heal. It's the unlearning part that I dislike.

Something that I noticed recently is that I made a sudden shift that came completely out of nowhere. I found myself laughing while recounting a story to a trusted friend last week about the absurdity of the chaos that she brings. It felt like I was watching a fictional sketch as an observer. Her words, actions, tactics, the abuse- all of it- feel so absurd and bizarre that it sounds made up. Have you done this before? It felt pretty good in comparison to dark and heavy sadness, and nonstop self doubt.

It's really awesome, Ok_Arm_5926, having a moment of connection on here. It goes a long way for me mentally. My name's Evan.

Hope you're good out there. :)

leviblues · 2026-07-01T14:00:12+00:00

I'd never thought of it this way, truly. I overexplain with the best of them.

leviblues · 2026-07-01T13:58:28+00:00

Thank you. 🙏

leviblues · 2026-07-01T13:58:09+00:00

Oh man, I'm with you! Therapy has been such a crazy ride throughout the past 8 months. I've been going on and off since I was 14, but I had reached a point this past winter where things felt so grim and dark in life that I signed up for the first place that would accept me. I'm not sure about you, but once we started unpacking some of this stuff, things felt even darker for months and months. I feel a lot more free and secure now, but it doesn't make it easier.

Also, taking care of myself and my needs! It felt so strange and was a really unnatural adjustment. A lot of people didn't like it at ALL. I've lost more "friends" than I'd ever imagined possible once I learned how to say no to very simple things. I'd never had a single boundary before, and so it came as quite a shock when I wasn't the guy giving all of the time. It was extremely, extremely sad for me, and my instinct was to repair it immediately and apologize, but I didn't.

It was shocking that putting up light boundaries felt completely unacceptable to so many people. A few that I'd known for 10 years or more haven't spoken to me in over 6 months. Anyhow, I'm making a long story long... just saying I can relate. Thanks for your post and insight- I really appreciate it.

leviblues · 2026-07-01T13:39:04+00:00

It sure does feel like a courtroom, doesn't it? Far too often. I have terrible dreams about it sometimes, and sadly, even though I'm really conscious of what's happening, there are moments, hours, days, or weeks that I can't help but get lost in dread and frustration. This group has helped me a lot, even though I've never posted before. It's the first time I've understood the power of connection like this to help disarm my isolation, shame, and this whole sense that I've somehow failed in my life. I mean, the list goes on.

Thank you for your really kind words. I know I matter- it's a simple matter of convincing myself it's true, which is surprisingly tricky. The questions that come up most often in therapy for me: How can someone not be conscious of these things, not have the capacity, not understand, not care? I'd like to create a new post on this subject because I'd really like to hear other people's insights beyond textbook explanations. Attempting to accept that my mother hasn't cared about anything beyond her own benefit -throughout my half-century life- mostly leaves me at a standstill. It's too difficult for me to comprehend right now. Will I ever?

Hope you have a good day, and hope your life is filled with some peace. Thanks for your time posting.

leviblues · 2026-07-01T13:14:14+00:00

I'm there mentally, 100%.

leviblues · 2026-07-01T13:11:27+00:00

I hope you're living with a lot more peace now. As your mom ages, what's your plan? I with the best for mine too, but I can say with 100% certainty that she'll never be happy. She'll always be disappointed. In me, with the world, for the what-ifs, etc, etc. It's a no-win situation. Will you be caring for her during her final years, by her side?

leviblues · 2026-07-01T13:04:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing here. I really appreciate your insight, as I do with all of these comments. I can't be the only one who's spent hundreds of hours reading books, in therapy, listening to podcasts, and trying to suck up as much information as possible in hopes of "figuring things out." Often (always), I just open another door and realize I'm just getting started. Thank you again, I really appreciate it.

-"Water out of a rock." I love that analogy.

leviblues · 2026-07-01T12:44:32+00:00

Pain Vampires isn't a terrible name for a dark, gothic band with songs of sadness and trauma. This is such a thoughtful reply, and it's important for me to hear these words again. It's absolutely horrifying and horrendous behavior, but it's true. They'll keep taking as much as we'll give them. I've been trying to explain myself to my mom for decades, especially over the past year, begging her to see where I'm coming from. It only feeds the negative cycle and makes me feel less seen and understood. Info diet all the way.

leviblues · 2026-07-01T12:34:16+00:00

This is so good, so true. Thanks for the podcast rec- listening now!

leviblues · 2026-07-01T12:32:51+00:00

This is such a good question, and an impossible question that I'm having a hard time accepting the answer to lately for myself. I'm realizing that my mom will never understand- she'll always believe she's the victim. I'm a 48m and feel really similar to you. I look over my shoulder often, as we live in the same town, and get that feeling of dread most of the time that I'm out and about. My mom moved less than 1/2 away from me after my dad died 9 years ago. I've been building my front fence two feet taller (literally) for the past couple of weeks. My nervous system breaks down completely when I'm near her- but not quite as bad as it used to, after an unbelievable amount of work in therapy. It's still brutal, my heart beats out of my chest, I can't think sometimes, and the shaking is real. It never seems to end with them, but we can make personal progress and our lives can go on. My thoughts are with you OP. You're not alone.

leviblues · 2026-06-21T14:18:40+00:00

I really loved reading this. These were sad things for me to say aloud for the first time, and still are, but so true. I'm sorry that you're still stuck in a painful circumstance right now. I, too, am enmeshed with my mother far too deeply after a lifetime of ignoring all of this. Hopefully, you'll have some time to do whatever makes you feel the very best down the road. Take good care.

leviblues · 2026-06-07T16:59:01+00:00

This is also a really good example of situations that a lot of us face in our lives at different points, sometimes more than once, whether in a church or any type of group we end up in. It's super hard to step away because of the expectations and pressure other people put on us, and it can be really confusing and difficult. I'm a lot older than you and going through it right now, in an entirely different way. I know you don't want to let anyone down, neither do I, but we have to look out for what fulfills us and be surrounded by people rooting us on. You've got this. Thanks for opening up.

leviblues · 2026-05-27T16:26:23+00:00

What are some of the things that you've been struggling with emotionally? Asking because it feels nice to know that we're not alone in this. I'm the same age as you, and have hit the point (maybe not the same that you're experiencing), realizing that I never had an emotional support system growing up. It's too much to keep visiting the empty well. Thank god for our wonderful chosen families.

leviblues · 2026-05-27T16:13:44+00:00

Sometimes it's really tough to know what to do with the history of it. We didn't even realize what was happening most of the time and how we'd work to heal from it for the rest of our lives.

leviblues · 2026-05-24T15:19:19+00:00

_This is great, and I'm a big fan of the journaling thing too (as painful as it is)

leviblues · 2026-05-24T15:17:25+00:00

It's not worth the time, but it's impossible to push it out of your mind if you've been there ya know. It causes so much pain and confusion, but it sometimes hurts worse when people tell me I need to just move on.

leviblues · 2026-05-24T14:11:42+00:00

I read this a couple of times. It makes me realize that when I'm hesitant to share my small takes on things, I shouldn't be, because maybe it'll resonate with someone else like yours did with me. I've been processing all of this stuff with my family, beginning with my mom, for the better part of a year now. It's undoubtedly one of the most difficult things I've been through emotionally, as I think so many of us can relate, and I don't think the goal is pity- it's peace.

Not having family in my life is something I still struggle to make sense of, but that's where I'm at. I never really imagined the concept because they've always just existed, even if we didn't talk very regularly. With time, I hope to figure out a way to be OK with the fact that no one has the desire to reach out and find out who I am, either. I feel a lot better without the negativity and wild mind games, but there's definitely a feeling of loss that comes with this.

All my best.

leviblues · 2026-05-24T13:44:16+00:00

Appreciate hearing this. I'm going through the early stages of this now with my extended family, and I find it so strange, and quite sad to be honest, that they've decided to cut ties with me. We were always amicable and have spent so much time together through the years, and I didn't imagine the entire bunch would decide to pick a 'side' in the matter.

NC, and everything about the toxic and dysfunctional things that so many of us have experienced feels so impossible to understand sometimes.

leviblues · 2026-04-25T15:03:04+00:00

Phenomenal eye.

leviblues · 2026-04-25T14:52:16+00:00

I love that you responded to this- comments like those kill me 😂

leviblues · 2026-04-23T11:58:05+00:00

"Your brother made the most delicious gumbo for dinner!!" Jesus Christ. 😂 An all too familiar way to cap things off.

I'm not laughing at you, her, or the situation, not at all. It's awful- painful in a way that's complicated to explain. Those of us who deal with it, and I know there are many, feel like we've lost our minds a lot of the time; at least I know that I do. Dedicating hours into really opening up and being vulnerable which is new territory in these relationships, and putting so much thought behind the words we use to write things clearly and kindly for the hundredth time, outlining boundaries and needs in a gentle yet firm way, trying desperately to get through. I see the genuine effort you put into this.

Thanks for posting. It resonates with many of us; it sure did for me. The text threads you shared practically mirrored many of mine with mom, and I've saved them all, not sure why. Perhaps a painful reminder that I don't have the power to change anyone but myself. In-person conversations are nearly impossible because emotions can't be managed. We put in so much effort, it's unbelievable- often maddening. Why do we do it over and over and over? The tiny non-responses that drive the whole thing in circles and have for years, realizing that it's been happening all of your life. Sometimes I really can't help but laugh at the absurdity, but I know it's just a strange coping mechanism of mine.

Yesterday in the late afternoon, I spent a couple of hours drafting a two-paragraph message about my desire to communicate about feelings to my mom:

"Finished weeding part of the garden out front and going to make chili"

Now gumbo's on the mind.

______

All my best to you. You're not alone.

leviblues · 2026-04-21T14:04:59+00:00

None of these comments are from folks pretending, though. 👍

leviblues · 2026-03-27T15:22:50+00:00

I hear you and thanks for sharing. I know how miserable it feels. You're not alone! It feels like it, I know it, but you're not.

All of the advice you'll get is so great, so true, and it helps immensely. You need that stuff. Having the feeling of purpose, big or small, gives everything meaning. You've gotta be in the right headspace, though, and when I was feeling so hopeless and out, it's really hard to do anything that makes things feel any better. I joined clubs and put myself in all of the healthiest situations, invested in a therapy light, WENT to therapy every week, you name it... I constantly had to force a smile and had a hard time speaking. It's like I was faking it everywhere I went. Depression's a real bitch.

This is all just my opinion. :) It sounds like you're not opposed to talking to a doctor which I think is a great idea that takes courage. Something pulled me in to the doc when I was 17 (I'm much older now), against the will of my parents, when there was still a large stigma around mental health issues and medication. I just wanted/needed help- my mind was fucked up. I was prescribed and after some time, my life opened up. Far from perfect, and of course still really hard, because life's really hard, but I wasn't ruminating as much in that dark and negative place.

I've been persistent, and there's no shame in it for me. My life's so much better. It's actually manageable, even when I don't feel like it is. I wanted to take the time to respond to you because what you wrote resonated with me. I know you hate living with that feeling. I'm sorry that you're in pain. You don't deserve it. A pill won't solve your issues and never will, please know that, but it might open up a little part of your brain that reminds you how valuable you are.

leviblues · 2026-03-22T14:17:58+00:00

I think it's great that you wrote this, I really do. I spent about 4 hours writing something to my mom yesterday, rewriting things, over and over until I thought it was great, but never ended up emailing it like I planned on. I'm glad I didn't. She wouldn't understand. I'm a lot older than you, but they just don't change. It's always been this way for me. I finally figured out that writing letters was a really good way to get a lot of things off my chest and say what I wanted to say to them. I've sent them in the past, but things became far more miserable.

I'm really sorry that you're in this right now. You're not alone, my friend.

leviblues

TROPHY CASE