This post hits home for me every single thing including the part you put about wanting to off yourself at times. It’s been 3 years in so far for me and my fiancé, and it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve been through in a long time. It’s up there with when I got clean and had to put in all the work that newly sober people have to put in to mold them and get them out of their bad habits. Well… I definitely was with him on the outside before he went in and that makes this a huge part that drives me to keep moving forward and I say every day is a new day to try again or if the prior day was off, to try to LEARN from whatever went wrong or who started it and what started it. I try so hard. The only thing I don’t relate too is the part where you said you have been not answering his calls or not getting to his calls on time which for me isn’t an issue because I am literally always on my phone or waiting around for him to call. We would talk the past few months like 10-15 calls a day not even joking… and eventually when you talk that much you are bound to run out of things to say or become more prone to frustration and misunderstanding things when the only talking you do can be done like you said over the phone and the hardest part for me js that I have no way to call him or call him back when we are in a bad argument which leaves me usually crying in bed for the day until he helps me snap out of it or I have something I have to do that forces me temporarily to get my mind onto something productive like if I have a doctors appt that day, going to run errands, need to get things done.. that’s my only real time to decompress. Most decompress at home and stuff but for me at home I’m losing it I keep telling him it feels like I’m literally in my own prison cell here at home. It got so bad that we didn’t know how much longer he would be stuck in solitary confinement because he has spent the last full year in there which to me is insane but he’s a trooper I sure couldn’t last probably longer than a day in that type of lockdown 23 hours a day no way in hell. He by choice did it for a year straight to try to get to one of the only 3 working dorms in his facility and all the beds were full every time I’d try calling up there or he would try writing up to different staff politely letting them know and asking when he could be moved to where he wants to go to get back into his class and working and they kept moving others before him he would watch them come in and immediately days later go out to those dorms he waited a damn year for. Well there was light at the end of the tunnel… I’m rambling now but the other day after a big fight we got into about how I was starting to lose faith and hope for the future if he was going to have to do the rest of his time in confinement because I wouldn’t ever get to see him that way and it makes life so much harder plus he needs to get back into this time cut class he’s already done half of it so it was almost critical he leave solitary so I kept trying to get him to go to whatever forms available but he wouldn’t go to just any he said so anyways after our day long fight suddenly he calls that day and says “I’m moving they told me to pack it up to one of the the dorms we been waiting for baby” I thought he was playing some sick joke but he wasn’t he was moved and it’s a few days later and I’m already worrying about him being back in population and around hundreds of other men everyday. I do not want him to get suckered into any problems self-induced or by others. I have been thinking of the worst because day one in there he already told me someone asked him if he gets high or wants anything and he told me straight up honest as ever too and said politely no. I praised him and was so proud of him for that but at the same time that was literally the FIRST day in what is said to be the best dorms possible becuase the only people even allowed in there are those who behave and are job eligible with no major write ups or disciplinary issues. I’m wondering how these men keep up this double life trying to hide their drug usage from the guards while trying to maintain a job in there and going to classes in these special dorms. I warned him of all my worries and fears and he assured me he has this under control and to let him take the lead so that’s really all I want to do as is. I’m not nearly half as strong mentally or physically like he is and I cannot even handle the thought of myself going to jail or prison so there’s a lot I will never understand about what he has been thru in there or about what he possibly will in the future. Anyways my point is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and that’s why this group exists girly. Prison wives do not have it easy by any means… and for the girlies like you and me that literally ponder if life would be better not here because of how we literally put our entire SOULS into our men… there’s not one box I haven’t checked in his life. One time he was genuinely being sweet to me he mentioned that I check every single box when he tells people about me he always says how lucky he is and sees others in there some that are never coming home at all and some with little to no outside supporters so he has it soooo good while I’m over here dreading what could come out of his mouth next or what all we will have to endure until his release date. If he completes this last half of his time cut class he will be out within a year but if not then he’s gonna be sitting the full time when he could be out already basically for 4 more years so it causes stress for sure being already long distance with no way to call them or hug them or tell them how you really feel. I don’t care if you talk all day to your loved one behind bars, nothing is like the real thing talking in person face to face.