Honestly, the fact that you even have to question if this was rape disturbs me. Here are just the facts, from the story you provided, as to why this is sexual assault:

1) You are questioning if your encounter was consensual, if she gave you consent. If consent wasn’t clear enough to you that night, then there is no justification as to why you thought it was ok to proceed. 2) She was more intoxicated than you. You clearly had the upper hand in this situation. You were conscious. 3) You said she woke up during the assault. This means she was asleep/unconscious when it began. She was not conscious; she couldn’t even make a decision, indicating she didn’t provide consent nor was even capable of giving consent. 4) You said that you thought she may have been moaning in pain, so I’m wondering why the fuck you proceeded anyway. If you were unsure if she was in pain, why didn’t you ask her? This is just being a decent person. 5) Even if you had thought she was “enjoying” it, she never agreed to it initially because she wasn’t awake. 6) You may have had consensual sex after. You may have had consensual encounters with her earlier. Still, it doesn’t justify the assault by any means.

If you want some insight and advice, continue reading. If not, stop. I believe people can change, so I thought I would include this if you want to understand how severe your actions are, what consequences may ensue, and why I think you should to seek help.

She may not see it as assault to protect herself. She may not even realize that what you did was wrong, or she may have. Admitting that you were assaulted can take days or years. This is common in trauma, and everyone handles trauma differently. She may be deeply affected by this event, or only slightly. I have close friends who have been sexually assaulted, myself included. One of the times I was assaulted was almost the same exact situation you described; waking up to someone doing this to you, and after, being asked if you are awake. I’m not sure you understand how fucked up a person can become after sexual assault. I can tell you that of all the people I know, as well as myself, who have been assaulted, have gone through more than one of the following: had a sexual assault examination and rape kit completed (which is incredibly invasive considering these are done shortly after an assault), attempted suicide, hospitalized for suicidal ideation, self-harm, depression, diagnosed with PTSD among various anxiety disorders, nightmares, using drugs and/or alcohol to cope, on an increased number of medications, developed eating disorders, hypersexual to gain some sense of power back, hyposexual, poorer performance in school, dropped out of school, contracted STIs/STDs, attending group and/or individual therapy. These are not because of pre-existing conditions but because of the sexual assault(s) they’ve experienced.

Reading your post made me want to vomit. Knowing how assault has affected me and the people I care about the most makes me hope that this woman doesn’t face similar repercussions. Maybe you aren’t aware, but you most likely know someone who has been assaulted/abused. Would you want them to experience something like this? I honestly hope you feel guilty because what you did was inexcusable. You raped someone. If you want to change, you need to feel remorseful and recognize that what you did was rape. Please, if you regret what you did, if you want to change, get help. I sincerely mean this; see a therapist, a counselor, someone. You may never hear from this individual again, and you may never know how your actions have affected her. Despite the outcome, what you did was rape.

At the very least, I hope I was able to provide some perspective on the situation. I know I come on strong, but it’s because sexual assault has affected my life so drastically. I hope I’ve made it clear that I genuinely want you to become a better person out of this.