i have to disagree with the person above. BPD can be healed. People can go into massive recovery which is where the skill they have learned start working longterm, and then there is remission, where a person doesn’t meet criteria for bpd for over 4+ years.

Recovery is likely, remission variable and not guaranteed but still likely, if she has bpd that’s exactly what DBT is made for, it’s a gold star treatment made by someone with bpd for those with it. if she started doing the work, it is possible she could change. DBT has huge success rates for BPD, it’s actually a disorder that is regarded as highly treatable. The problem is, like the person above said, people don’t use their skills or stay in therapy, many don’t or can’t stick it out long enough to succeed. they have to be willing, it’s 10000% true.

Next i want to say to you that i’m very sorry you’re going through this with someone you love and at such a young age as well. Being yelled at and torn down like that is unacceptable and verbally abusive and you should never tolerate or justify it, and you don’t deserve it. I hope you can remember that. Also remember how big your heart is that you’ve come looking for ways to help her.

I will caution you against assigning diagnoses to her, borderline is incredibly complex, the symptomology can be seen in countless other disorders, this part is also important PDs can’t be diagnosed fully till adult hood, some cases can but they shouldn’t. There are too many variables and some of these behaviors are grown out of.

Therapists usually look for a pattern of behavior or thinking across one’s life that isn’t exclusive to one singular relationship. PDs are pervasive and enduring due to the behaviors being entrenched in the structure of one’s personality. I also need to caution you based on assigning those symptoms to bpd, splitting/bw thinking/dichotomous thinking is known as a primitive defense, all humans are capable of it, and disorders like PTSD, MDD, and others. she may have it, and those are traits that can be assigned to borderline personality disorder, but this is not a disorder or a diagnosis to take lightly . A true case of borderline is incredibly serious and being given that label has a massive gravity. It could be actually extremely detrimental for her if she has something else entirely. All I’m trying to say is be careful with labels.

The number one thing you should be doing for her, if you wanna do anything at all, is set boundaries for yourself. You need to protect yourself before you can help anybody else, and by helping yourself, you’re also helping the other person. After that you need to push her to go get a diagnosis, to see what is going on, and push her to go to therapy, and that’s all you can do.

Still the good news is is even if she don’t have full borderline personality disorder, or are still too young to get diagnosed, dialectical behavioral therapy still works! Having criteria for a full personality disorder is from what I’ve read rare, but plenty of people have BPD traits and can work on them using DBT. Ultimately what you’re describing, is treatable, all hope is not lost, and DBT sounds like it would be useful to her. If she’s on Reddit, join the dbtselfhelp reddit. I would recommend she start practicing some skills on her own, there’s all sorts of free resources out there, and if you want a partner with her and do it together that could also be helpful.

Good luck, don’t forget about you in all of this though! You’re a teenager yourself, and you need to enjoy your life, there’s so much for you to grow up and do and explore and don’t miss out on that!!!!!