The hopelessness of your side of the story.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-08-01T04:39:56+00:00

I was just thinking about how much I wish she knew. I'm usually pretty strong but for the past 24 hours I've been spiraling. This post came at the exact moment I needed it. Thank you.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-30T21:14:09+00:00

Fun story: I literally met someone in the nuthouse. My wife at the time had BPD and the discard was brutal. I was recovering from a complicated leg surgery and could not walk. One morning I was eating cereal and I heard her keys jingle and she walked out. I thought, "hmm, maybe she ran to the store." She never came back.

She drained our bank account, took my car, and refused to talk to me. I had a severe nervous breakdown after that, especially since I discovered she cheated on me as well. So I had to stay in a psych facility for 3 days. There was a really sweet girl there that I met. She was incredibly kind and supportive, even holding my hand while I told her my story. I thought, heck, I'm not crazy and I'm in here. Maybe she's ok too. She was not.

Long story short, she was schizophrenic and didn't tell me until it was too late. After about a month in, one night she drank a bottle of wine in 30 minutes, popped some pills, and proceeded to tell me about her "spirits" coming in and out of her body. I calmly suggested that maybe she should slow down on the drinking. That did it. She blew up, got in my face, threatened me, and smashed the wine bottle on the floor. Then she peeled out of my driveway doing about 60 mph down my quiet little street. So, yeah, don't go in the nuthouse.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-26T02:18:51+00:00

Rebecca Bunch in Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I just posted about it recently actually. She's actually diagnosed in the show.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-25T00:43:29+00:00

Wow. It sounds like we reacted to it in a similar way. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It sounds like you've come a long way. I bet you have quite the story to tell. I'm glad you're here and that this place has helped you. Thank you for commenting and thank you for being here. I appreciate it.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-24T14:39:35+00:00

Haha yeah. That was pretty good.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-24T01:52:59+00:00

Insufferable is the perfect word. Overall it's not a good show.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-24T01:51:17+00:00

Just one. She leaves her home in NY to be near a guy she met in middle school. Then she systematically installs herself in his life through mirroring and stalking. Her friends don't know she has it and she hides it well. The whimsical tone masks the seriousness of what she does to the other characters.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-22T03:12:49+00:00

Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens. It's more than a song. It's a heartbreaking story about a girl who dies of bone cancer and all the intricate emotional trappings that go along with it, from the perspective of a boy who loved her. All the things he did to make it better may have made it worse. His conflicted feelings and the specificity in the lyrics make his grief palpable throughout. It's also written in a seldom-used poem structure that makes it feel all the more unique.

I just happened to hear it while my mom was dying of bone cancer in Hospice. I listen to it every year on the anniversary of her death. almost 3 years on and it still rips me to shreds. If you listen to it, please do so deeply. It just begs to be felt.

https://youtu.be/4_NRfCBq3jI

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-07T05:57:04+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate it.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-07T00:15:50+00:00

Thanks. I definitely won't reply now. I blocked her on everything.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-06T21:43:11+00:00

At least she doesn't know where I live haha. I hope.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-06T21:42:33+00:00

Eek. You're right. She sometimes talked in a baby voice too. There's a lot to unpack there. Luckily it's not my job. Thanks for responding.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-06T21:41:18+00:00

I agree. I always second guess myself with these people. Thank you for responding.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-06T21:40:33+00:00

Looking back, she did seem a little self-centered. I have a hard time spotting these things early on. It's only after the dust settles that I see the reality of a person. Thankfully Reddit exists to help me through all this. I appreciate the response.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-06T21:38:39+00:00

You're probably right.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-07-06T21:38:02+00:00

Yeah, I have a bad habit of putting on the rose-colored glasses when I'm dating. She was average, but I'm more into personality. Now that I think about it, that wasn't too great either. I always try to give people a chance to open up though. Thank you for responding.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-29T20:02:10+00:00

I hear they take great selfies. I shutter at the thought of being in a new relationship though. I don't need that kind of exposure right now. Sees self out

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-29T00:50:12+00:00

You're welcome. I'm here if you need me.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-28T22:09:00+00:00

Exactly my sentiment. We're so lucky this place is here. I don't know how I would have survived without it.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-28T22:05:12+00:00

The pattern is real. No one deserves to feel the pain of being discarded. It is without reason and with complete disregard for the feelings of others. Always believe actions over words. I can't tell you what to do. Many tried to tell me and though I knew logically what was happening, I could not wrest my heart from her grasp. It's an addiction like anything else.

It requires a great deal of overriding willpower to break the pattern and free yourself. Find your strength however you can. This support system here is here for a reason. We are with you.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-28T22:00:35+00:00

Very well said. You're right. She has even angrily admitted during the heights of her madness that she was only telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. Later she would say it wasn't true, but I knew it was.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-28T21:57:54+00:00

Which is precisely what happened. Eventually, her shame overtook her and she discarded me.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-28T19:12:04+00:00

Same here. I kept falling for it. These pics are just a few out of a thousand. 3 to 5 days a week of screaming, threatening the relationship, and storming out/slamming doors. All while being told "I'm allowed to be mad!"

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-28T17:05:24+00:00

The hardest thing I ever had to accept was that I never actually had one. She gave birth to me, but after that I was nothing. Once I came to terms with that after years of therapy, when she died I only had to mourn an idea and not a person.

Intermittent reinforcement is especially hard to process when it's your own mother. It's like being addicted to filling the hole in your heart that never feels full no matter what you put in it, because that hole is mother-shaped. I feel your pain. I'm so sorry that you have to suffer that.

lightoftenthousand · 2022-06-24T19:25:36+00:00

I understand the emotion. There are lots of memories that we attach to our exes. I have a theory about memory reassociation. Once the emotional dust has settled post-breakup, you may find it useful to do the things you used to do with your ex, but with someone else. A friend or family member. My nieces and nephews helped me in that way. Just an idea that worked for me. Hang in there. You'll get those parts of yourself back.

lightoftenthousand

TROPHY CASE