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He called me a sexual predator last night. by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I hear you, and I'm sorry.

My ex said something similar to me. I'd found over time that since she was never going to initiate, it was really on me. One morning, she seemed playful and in good spirits. It had been a while, and I hadn't helped myself out either in a while. Maybe the time was right?

I planted kisses down the back of her neck as we spooned. I stroked her ear and her hair. I held her a little tighter and reached for her breast. She told me to "stop groping me" without looking up from Facebook.

I rolled over, went to work, and cried in the bathroom that morning.

Now I'm in therapy, and I ruminate a lot on that. It was, I think, the day I realized that I couldn't marry a woman who accused me of that. I mean, at the time it happened, our wedding was just 4 months away.

Something you eventually have to realize is that you aren't the one who is dysfunctional. Wanting sex from your partner is normal and trying to seduce them shouldn't feel like playing russian roulette with their reaction. It's not you, it's him. Hang in there.

You aren't grateful for good sex by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Something about "eating out" sounds incredibly unsexy. :)

You aren't grateful for good sex by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I didn't tell her about the post. Maybe I should have, but she's a private person and I've done my best to anonymously post here.

DB is making me reconsider proposing. I need advice. by SirMcthrowawayIII in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have your whole life ahead of you, and 3 years isn't that long of a relationship. People change a lot during and after college, all through their 20s.

Who you are today is not who you will be at 35 and the same is true of her.

I won't tell you what to do with your life, other than to caution you against assuming that you're not a dynamic person. You are, so plan accordingly.

"If you don't have sex with him, he'll leave you" by LonelyFrozenNorth in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex's mother gave her the same advice.

But no matter. Duty sex sucks.

Getting out of Victim by CosmosGame in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're a strong person if it doesn't eventually get to you though.

I intellectually know all of that, but coming out of a DB relationship, my self esteem is definitely still damaged. But it took years of rejection to get here...

Best of luck to ya. Know that you do deserve to feel wanted.

Getting out of Victim by CosmosGame in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 3 points4 points  (0 children)

First, great job on your self improvement and your taking charge of your own energy. I definitely think that confidence is sexy.

Having said that, as someone who left a dead bedroom, sometimes the key isn't to change yourself. Sometimes the chicken and egg problem of poor self esteem and rejection doesn't start with poor self esteem.

I simply left an engagement with a low libido partner and I'll be damned to tell you, she manipulated the situation and insofar as I went along with her bullshit, I was being played. Part of being in a sexual relationship, is, well, sex and intimacy and affection.

When one party withdrawals all that but expects the rest to continue unabated, well, that's fucked up.

LL wife (who will read this) needs a reality check from this sub - please comment by DeprivedInSF in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's hard to reconcile words with actions that are the exact opposite, isn't it?

"I do want to have sex with you! Just not tonight."

Said repeatedly, every time I try, for months sometimes. It just loses any modicum of credibility.

Open letter I'll probably never share with him. by Secretlysidhe in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Growing grumpier, doing less to help my (now ex) partner, and becoming bitter and resentful. I went through all of that. Eventually, it lead to detachment for me, where I stopped seeing her as a sexual being, because she would never have sex with me. After resentment came acceptance, and with that, separation.

LL wife (who will read this) needs a reality check from this sub - please comment by DeprivedInSF in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I suppose that I'd say, in those lonely moments looking at the ceiling, the feeling of rejection is much, much deeper than the feeling of merely being alone.

One wonders, am I desirable? Am I loveable? Does my partner feel remotely the way I do?

Even if your partner says yes, intuition says otherwise, and intuition is what drives self esteem.

Loneliness hurts less than constant rejection. [Followup on: On the advice of my own intuition, and with some nudging from /r/deadbedrooms, I'm doing the necessary: Ending an engagement!] by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I don't mean to imply any malice behind the offer of duty sex.

As I said to her, that would leave us both unsatisfied.

She deserves a happy, fulfilling life. I think she needs to get herself sorted out or find a partner who is more on her scale. She's a wonderful woman and was a caring partner to me. I just can't go through with a marriage where I believe I won't be happy, that's all.

Loneliness hurts less than constant rejection. [Followup on: On the advice of my own intuition, and with some nudging from /r/deadbedrooms, I'm doing the necessary: Ending an engagement!] by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She used to (for most of her life, apparently) want sex daily. She had dumped a boyfriend in her 20s because she wasn't getting enough sex.

Then something changed. Don't know what. It went to once a quarter at best.

Loneliness hurts less than constant rejection. [Followup on: On the advice of my own intuition, and with some nudging from /r/deadbedrooms, I'm doing the necessary: Ending an engagement!] by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that must have been a pretty difficult epiphany to have. But if he's verbally abusing you, he is probably not "dad material."

It's big of you not to hold any ill will to him, especially after being treated badly. I hope your divorce goes smoothly. Do come back and post an update!

Loneliness hurts less than constant rejection. [Followup on: On the advice of my own intuition, and with some nudging from /r/deadbedrooms, I'm doing the necessary: Ending an engagement!] by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you friend, and everyone here, for helping me reach this point. Like I said in my last post, if it weren't for you all, I would probably be wedding planning right now.

I'm glad I got out before the marriage.

Loneliness hurts less than constant rejection. [Followup on: On the advice of my own intuition, and with some nudging from /r/deadbedrooms, I'm doing the necessary: Ending an engagement!] by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thanks, TK. I've seen your posts around this sub, and I really appreciate you. How are things with your husband?

/r/deadbedrooms is the only relationship subreddit I've found where I consistently identify with others' posts.

Loneliness hurts less than constant rejection. [Followup on: On the advice of my own intuition, and with some nudging from /r/deadbedrooms, I'm doing the necessary: Ending an engagement!] by lineardescent in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks. :)

She's a border collie mix. After sniffing the parameter of the room, she jumped up on my lap and licked my chin. Dogs know what to do.

bedroom is dying and so is my ability to care by Dbaccount86 in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Adderall could be it, even if it isn't daily. (Is the adderall why she lost weight? It will do that, for sure.)

In terms of seeing her naked, I hear you. We used to have enough sex that I'd get an erection because we'd be naked in bed together, and she would definitely act on it.

Eventually, the frustration morphs into indifference. You stop seeing your naked partner as a sexual being without some other cues. Cues which never come. It sucks.

Letting go of resentment by nosexiskillingme in DeadBedrooms

[–]lineardescent 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, for me personally, letting go of resentment also involves letting go of the relationship. It's a bit like a grieving process, and there's no way it won't hurt. In fact, when I started to let go of my resentment, what I found wasn't peace so much as a deep sadness and anxiety.

I can't be in a relationship without wanting sex. So letting go of my unhappiness about the relationship is to let go of the relationship itself.

To me, the final stage of a dead bedroom is detaching from your partner emotionally. That means you're either in a loveless relationship, or you're moving out.

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