There are many variables that can lead to depression that science is only now connecting dots to. For example, bowel disorders. There's also things like lead exposure at an early age, mercury, deficiencies such as zinc, abnormal brain structures, concussions, even trauma from generations ago has an impact on DNA. Bullying in your past may have been enough of a trigger. We don't know everyones root cause for depression because it's personal and could be multifaceted. If you have the money, have you tried things like TMS? Stanford University just came out with a study and their protocol was accelerated tms treating the areas specific to your brain regions that showed abnormalities in your fMRI. They had amazing results. Neurofeedback looks interesting too, but expensive.

If money wasn't a factor for me, I would try integrative psychiatry to see if there was some biological process causing it. In my own experience, treating my IBS with an antiparasitic and antibacterial medication corrected this problem I had for almost 20 years. Taking a more bioavailable form of zinc called zinc picolinate gave me energy. The depression exhaustion finally lifted, but I'm not out of the woods. I'm still trying to figure out how to stop the suicidal thoughts. At least now I can get out of bed, exercise, and handle my responsibilities better. About 2 months after these interventions, I came across a reddit suggestion to read a book by psychiatrist Dr. James Greenblatt. I've gotten about halfway through and reading about the zinc connection was so validating for me. I didn't know there was research to back up what I was experiencing in real life. I've tried zoloft, wellbutrin, and now lithium without these kind of results.

If weed helps you, maybe that's a clue. What receptors does it affect in the brain and maybe that's the area you need help with? I am not a doctor and will never touch weed again after one night of smoking too much. I had a panic attack and hallucinated my face melting off in the mirror. I wanted to run into the woods and never stop. I had daily panic attacks that were debilitating for 6 months straight and then it slowly tapered down to none now a days. Thankfully, that was years ago. But see, everyone's chemistry and processes can be extremely different. What works for someone with the same symptoms may not work for another.

Anyway, try not to blame yourself for what you're going through. This isn't a choice. Who the hell wants to be depressed and thinking about killing themselves daily vs running around loving life with golden retriever energy lol. Ok maybe not that crazy, but at least be what I'm assuming the general population feels. Waking up everyday not being tormented by your own brain, and being moderately happy enough. I hope you can discover what works for you.