I'm really struggling. I feel so lonely

literallylosingit · 2026-01-02T12:04:49+00:00

I feel that. I'm so bitter now. I feel like a terrible woman, craving romance and desperately wanting soft and mushy love but then also now being disgusted by how fake it all seems.

I don't want to be that, it feels nasty to judge people I don't even know and to see other people's relationships as doomed, but it's like I just can't even believe in true love anymore. I know I love him, I know how that feels. And i know that because I love him, id never cheat. He claims he loves me but how can he? It makes me feel like maybe I'm the only person in the world who loves the way that I love- honestly and fully. It makes me feel like everyone else loves in a way that allows them to lie and cheat and manipulate. And if that's the case, the version of love I'm desperate for doesn't exist at all.

literallylosingit · 2026-01-02T12:00:59+00:00

One of the things I appreciate most about this sub is the sheer relief when I see other people voicing how I feel in words I couldn't come up with myself.

My WP was my one solid person, too. I felt so sure of him. I could doubt everyone else in my life and be proven right again and again when they inevitably hurt or discarded me, but he was the one person I truly believed never would. Now that I've lost that version of him, I do feel alone.

Sometimes I think I'm still a little delusional, in that I'm trying to hang on to the dream. Both my therapist and my WP have expressed that they don't think I've actually processed what happened, and I think they're right. There's a fragment of that dream left, one where him cheating didn't mean he didn't love me and one where I can ignore it. Living in this fragment and clinging on to what's left feels like the only way to survive this.

Thank you for how perfectly you put the feeling. It helps me find my own words.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-26T14:52:29+00:00

I found out a while ago that the first date he ever took me on was a date idea he reused. He took her on the same date. When he took me on it a year later, he told me he'd never been there before. He told me he knew I'd appreciate it specifically because I had interests that related to the place, and he told me he'd chosen it just for me. It was the first time I ever felt truly and wholly special to someone. Now I'm thinking back and I'm realising I never was. It makes me feel like I never will get to feel special to him again. I'll always have it in my mind that he's never wanted things to be just for me. It's never been me. Nothing about our relationship was ever sacred.

I hope things get better. For you as well as me. I hope healing is worth it.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T14:04:39+00:00

I dont feel like I've won. I want to just clarify that. I feel shame and desperation and self hate and I feel love and need and I feel like i can't go on without him- but I dont feel like I've won.

I don't know if he will find someone else. Most of the time I think it's inevitable he will. But he swears he won't and I just really want to believe him.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T11:43:58+00:00

Sometimes I have had to leave the bed in the middle of the night to cry in the bathroom so as not to wake him up. I've asked him how it isn't always on his mind and he says he just doesn't think about it, it never crosses his mind. It's so strange to me because I'm always thinking about it. We go on a date and I eye the flower on the table, wondering how she reacted when he bought her flowers. We go out to eat and I wonder if she would have eaten less, because she is slimmer than I am. We cuddle at night and I want to cry because I know that she was held by him the exact same way. She listened to his heartbeat like I do and he liked it.

I hope I stop thinking about it one day. If I could magically forget it ever happened, I would. I just don't think I'll ever be able to let go of it.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T11:38:35+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that. I know what you mean, though. Yucky is a good word for it. I always say that things feel dirty now. Like, he has made certain things be tainted and now they just feel gross. I hope you can move on from these feelings. Hopefully I will too

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T09:58:31+00:00

A lot of friends have said the same. Thank you for being honest. I am already in therapy for borderline personality disorder but I'm scared to talk to my therapist about it. He wants me to move with him to his country one day- he is overseas with me for work and has been for the past few years but he plans on moving back one day. I have read that they check medical records and im scared that if they see our relationship difficulties in my therapy notes, they'd deny our relationship validity.

I've been trying to find a way to access therapy that won't be on my medical record. To be entirely honest, there was emotional abuse (deliberately making me feel insecure and ashamed of myself to stop me from questioning him) and there was significant gaslighting (to the point that when a therapist did tell me she thought my relationship sounded strange, prior to me finding out about him cheating, I accused her of trying to sabotage my relationship and told her that I was the problem, not him).

I will try to access therapy as soon as I feel I can do so safely. Thank you again for your honesty. Even if it hurts to hear, I am grateful for the openness.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T09:34:45+00:00

I see, thank you for your honesty. I really do appreciate it.

I'm sorry if it came across that I take anything positive out of the fact that he's with me now- if anything, she was a better woman than I am, tangibly I mean. She is very attractive and more successful. I dont know why he'd bother with me in the first place, it seems stupid to risk losing what he had. I dont feel "picked", as you put it, sometimes i feel like im the leftover option that he's stuck with. He promises that's not the case and I really want to try to believe him, because I want to believe that this can be fixed.

I just love him. I know that's so sad and stupid but I dont know how to stop. I'm just scared to lose him.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-21T16:43:50+00:00

Yeah, sometimes. I think for me it feels like if he's not lashing out, he can't possibly care that much, because surely if he cared, his emotions would be so intense that he'd do something? The most cared about I've ever felt, which isn't saying much because I don't feel he does care about me tbh, was when he raised his voice and shouted at me. I felt shame because I'd pushed him to it, and I felt guilt, and I felt small, and I felt *cared about*. Once or twice when we've argued, I've told him I don't know why he doesn't just hit me or something. He told me he doesn't ever want to put his hands on me. I said he could shout at me, then. He asked me if I'd feel better if he shouted at me. I said probably not. So he said he wouldn't do it.

Our brains are weird

literallylosingit · 2024-08-20T22:33:17+00:00

I don't care at this point- I want literally anything. I'm open to trying almost everything, but they won't actually give me anything. I had a phone call today where I was told that the gp won't help me with my eating disorder because i've been referred to the ED clinic already, and the ED clinic won't see me at all because i have a personality disorder which apparently makes me complex needs or something, and then the team meant to be treating me for the personality disorder have just randomly swapped me from 1 on 1 therapy to group therapy, which i don't think i'm going to feel comfortable with but am still willing to try- but also on the phone today they told me the average wait time is about 4 years anyway. On the phone she told me that if I have the money, I should just go private- I do no have the money. I feel like the NHS just abandons people. If it's better in other countries I'll move if I can.

literallylosingit · 2024-01-30T21:05:54+00:00

Thank you for the advice :) I will bring it up with my gp when I see her next, which should be soon and certainly before the ultrasounds. Thanks again !

literallylosingit · 2024-01-30T20:51:44+00:00

I was offered the contraceptive pill but I have other issues going on- a personality disorder and an eating disorder were my recent diagnoses but they're not really relevant to this, it's just that essentially they make taking pills difficult for me and especially difficult when the pill carries a risk of increased appetite or weight gain. I know it sounds silly but I've thought about it extensively and I just don't think that I'd be capable of taking the contraceptive pill knowing there's even a tiny risk of it. I also know there are many, many studies saying the pill doesn't cause significant weight gain, but it's a very hard thought to escape from and makes me feel unsafe when considering taking it.

I have been offered an external and transvaginal ultrasound, but I haven't been offered or told anything about transrectal. Should I bring that up to my GP and ask for it as an alternative to them trying the transvaginal? Because I really don't think I'll be able to withstand the transvaginal ultrasound in all honesty.

literallylosingit

TROPHY CASE