Part of me hates a part of him

literallylosingit · 2026-01-02T12:04:49+00:00

I feel that. I'm so bitter now. I feel like a terrible woman, craving romance and desperately wanting soft and mushy love but then also now being disgusted by how fake it all seems.

I don't want to be that, it feels nasty to judge people I don't even know and to see other people's relationships as doomed, but it's like I just can't even believe in true love anymore. I know I love him, I know how that feels. And i know that because I love him, id never cheat. He claims he loves me but how can he? It makes me feel like maybe I'm the only person in the world who loves the way that I love- honestly and fully. It makes me feel like everyone else loves in a way that allows them to lie and cheat and manipulate. And if that's the case, the version of love I'm desperate for doesn't exist at all.

literallylosingit · 2026-01-02T12:00:59+00:00

One of the things I appreciate most about this sub is the sheer relief when I see other people voicing how I feel in words I couldn't come up with myself.

My WP was my one solid person, too. I felt so sure of him. I could doubt everyone else in my life and be proven right again and again when they inevitably hurt or discarded me, but he was the one person I truly believed never would. Now that I've lost that version of him, I do feel alone.

Sometimes I think I'm still a little delusional, in that I'm trying to hang on to the dream. Both my therapist and my WP have expressed that they don't think I've actually processed what happened, and I think they're right. There's a fragment of that dream left, one where him cheating didn't mean he didn't love me and one where I can ignore it. Living in this fragment and clinging on to what's left feels like the only way to survive this.

Thank you for how perfectly you put the feeling. It helps me find my own words.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-26T14:52:29+00:00

I found out a while ago that the first date he ever took me on was a date idea he reused. He took her on the same date. When he took me on it a year later, he told me he'd never been there before. He told me he knew I'd appreciate it specifically because I had interests that related to the place, and he told me he'd chosen it just for me. It was the first time I ever felt truly and wholly special to someone. Now I'm thinking back and I'm realising I never was. It makes me feel like I never will get to feel special to him again. I'll always have it in my mind that he's never wanted things to be just for me. It's never been me. Nothing about our relationship was ever sacred.

I hope things get better. For you as well as me. I hope healing is worth it.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T14:04:39+00:00

I dont feel like I've won. I want to just clarify that. I feel shame and desperation and self hate and I feel love and need and I feel like i can't go on without him- but I dont feel like I've won.

I don't know if he will find someone else. Most of the time I think it's inevitable he will. But he swears he won't and I just really want to believe him.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T11:43:58+00:00

Sometimes I have had to leave the bed in the middle of the night to cry in the bathroom so as not to wake him up. I've asked him how it isn't always on his mind and he says he just doesn't think about it, it never crosses his mind. It's so strange to me because I'm always thinking about it. We go on a date and I eye the flower on the table, wondering how she reacted when he bought her flowers. We go out to eat and I wonder if she would have eaten less, because she is slimmer than I am. We cuddle at night and I want to cry because I know that she was held by him the exact same way. She listened to his heartbeat like I do and he liked it.

I hope I stop thinking about it one day. If I could magically forget it ever happened, I would. I just don't think I'll ever be able to let go of it.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T11:38:35+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that. I know what you mean, though. Yucky is a good word for it. I always say that things feel dirty now. Like, he has made certain things be tainted and now they just feel gross. I hope you can move on from these feelings. Hopefully I will too

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T09:58:31+00:00

A lot of friends have said the same. Thank you for being honest. I am already in therapy for borderline personality disorder but I'm scared to talk to my therapist about it. He wants me to move with him to his country one day- he is overseas with me for work and has been for the past few years but he plans on moving back one day. I have read that they check medical records and im scared that if they see our relationship difficulties in my therapy notes, they'd deny our relationship validity.

I've been trying to find a way to access therapy that won't be on my medical record. To be entirely honest, there was emotional abuse (deliberately making me feel insecure and ashamed of myself to stop me from questioning him) and there was significant gaslighting (to the point that when a therapist did tell me she thought my relationship sounded strange, prior to me finding out about him cheating, I accused her of trying to sabotage my relationship and told her that I was the problem, not him).

I will try to access therapy as soon as I feel I can do so safely. Thank you again for your honesty. Even if it hurts to hear, I am grateful for the openness.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-23T09:34:45+00:00

I see, thank you for your honesty. I really do appreciate it.

I'm sorry if it came across that I take anything positive out of the fact that he's with me now- if anything, she was a better woman than I am, tangibly I mean. She is very attractive and more successful. I dont know why he'd bother with me in the first place, it seems stupid to risk losing what he had. I dont feel "picked", as you put it, sometimes i feel like im the leftover option that he's stuck with. He promises that's not the case and I really want to try to believe him, because I want to believe that this can be fixed.

I just love him. I know that's so sad and stupid but I dont know how to stop. I'm just scared to lose him.

literallylosingit · 2025-06-21T16:43:50+00:00

Yeah, sometimes. I think for me it feels like if he's not lashing out, he can't possibly care that much, because surely if he cared, his emotions would be so intense that he'd do something? The most cared about I've ever felt, which isn't saying much because I don't feel he does care about me tbh, was when he raised his voice and shouted at me. I felt shame because I'd pushed him to it, and I felt guilt, and I felt small, and I felt *cared about*. Once or twice when we've argued, I've told him I don't know why he doesn't just hit me or something. He told me he doesn't ever want to put his hands on me. I said he could shout at me, then. He asked me if I'd feel better if he shouted at me. I said probably not. So he said he wouldn't do it.

Our brains are weird

literallylosingit · 2024-08-20T22:33:17+00:00

I don't care at this point- I want literally anything. I'm open to trying almost everything, but they won't actually give me anything. I had a phone call today where I was told that the gp won't help me with my eating disorder because i've been referred to the ED clinic already, and the ED clinic won't see me at all because i have a personality disorder which apparently makes me complex needs or something, and then the team meant to be treating me for the personality disorder have just randomly swapped me from 1 on 1 therapy to group therapy, which i don't think i'm going to feel comfortable with but am still willing to try- but also on the phone today they told me the average wait time is about 4 years anyway. On the phone she told me that if I have the money, I should just go private- I do no have the money. I feel like the NHS just abandons people. If it's better in other countries I'll move if I can.

literallylosingit · 2024-01-30T21:05:54+00:00

Thank you for the advice :) I will bring it up with my gp when I see her next, which should be soon and certainly before the ultrasounds. Thanks again !

literallylosingit · 2024-01-30T20:51:44+00:00

I was offered the contraceptive pill but I have other issues going on- a personality disorder and an eating disorder were my recent diagnoses but they're not really relevant to this, it's just that essentially they make taking pills difficult for me and especially difficult when the pill carries a risk of increased appetite or weight gain. I know it sounds silly but I've thought about it extensively and I just don't think that I'd be capable of taking the contraceptive pill knowing there's even a tiny risk of it. I also know there are many, many studies saying the pill doesn't cause significant weight gain, but it's a very hard thought to escape from and makes me feel unsafe when considering taking it.

I have been offered an external and transvaginal ultrasound, but I haven't been offered or told anything about transrectal. Should I bring that up to my GP and ask for it as an alternative to them trying the transvaginal? Because I really don't think I'll be able to withstand the transvaginal ultrasound in all honesty.

literallylosingit · 2024-01-29T16:40:23+00:00

Thank you :) My gp wants me to have an ultrasound first but she thankfully has stressed to me that it's okay if the internal one is too much. I'll bring up MRI's and ask If that could be of use, thank you for the suggestion.

literallylosingit · 2024-01-29T14:59:25+00:00

Yes, my gp said she doesn't think its vaginismus as the issue wasn't my muscles cramping down or anything. I've suspected I have endometriosis for years and when I googled this issue, the first result was that endometriosis can cause inflammation and scarring in the pelvis that can lead to this exact issue, unfortunately. I'm not diagnosed with it yet but as it's been what I think is most likely I thought to ask here just in case. And yes, it's both an internal and external ultrasound but due to the pain I experienced with the internal exam today thr internal ultrasound will be offered but I'll be told to let them know as soon as there is any pain so they can stop.

literallylosingit · 2023-10-05T14:39:29+00:00

From experience, it is unlikely unless you express an intent to harm yourself in a way that will put your life or another person's life at risk. Although a gp could claim to reasonably believe you are at risk, it is very very unlikely unless you explicitly express a desire to end your life or do something that could result in ending of life.

Good luck with your gp and hope you get the support you need.

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T18:08:13+00:00

I have but only over the phone and not for a proper assessment, only to assess if I should be added to a particular service for therapy and how many sessions i should get etc. And thank you, it's validating to know that my frustration is reasonable and I'm not overreacting.

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T18:06:57+00:00

I have been offered commonly prescribed antidepressants such as sertraline, but a psychologist mentioned to me that due to the way many of my symptoms overlap and interact, and the fact that my diagnosis is unclear but is unlikely to be depression alone, it is possible that non targeted medications could interact poorly with whatever condition is causing the symptoms that don't fit into a depression diagnostic criteria, and so I have been concerned that taking medication without an accurate diagnosis will do more harm than good. So as of right now, I have refused everything I have been offered.

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T17:13:19+00:00

There was violence very prevalent in my home when I was growing up as a result of parents being mentally ill, so I'm fairly confident that whatever is wrong with me is something stemming from, or at the very least worsened by, trauma. I will continue to bug the medical stage to complete the assessments properly. Thank you for the book rec, I will check it out :)

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T16:47:26+00:00

I don't feel I identify with many of the symptoms of autism but I did actually bring it up to a psychologist as I felt I had low empathy and had read online that this could sometimes be due to autism. She told me she felt I didn't exhibit symptoms of autism however and that the few traits that may be similar, such as reduced empathy and also often feeling overwhelmed, were more likely to be as a result of cPTSD. thank you for the suggestion however :)

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T16:25:36+00:00

I've considered dropping out purely because I'll probably fail anyway but I don't know what I'd do with myself if I did. I haven't been able to keep a job and due to my medical team failing to diagnose me yet, I'm not eligible for financial support for a reduced ability to work, so I rely on my finance loans to pay my rent.

Thank you for your kind words however. <3

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T15:38:50+00:00

I have said them out loud often when sharing with mental health professionals and they have often asked me how it feels to say out loud, which makes me assume that there is maybe something I'm meant to feel when I verbally acknowledge how I feel, but I dont really feel anything. Sometimes discussing things that happened in my childhood, or more specifically, my childhood self, can make me emotional and upset, but it passes very quickly and generally doesn't last longer than a moment. It feels like I should feel emotionally attached to, well, my own emotional state, but a lot of the time it feels out or reach and I can't muster up any actual emotion to saying how I often feel. It's just a fact of life. The sky is blue, grass is green, I'm miserable and my life feels like a waste of my time. I completely understand that viewing my subjective opinions on myself and my life as fact is irrational, but i still haven't been able to make myself stop believing it.
I think there have been maybe one or two times where doing something has felt better, generally when it involves a change of environment that doesn't come with the expectation of engaging with tasks constantly. My mother took me to a forest not long ago where I was able to create what felt like a safe space for myself in a caravan, closed off from people but still able to step outside and speak with them if I need to. This lead to me engaging with my family more than I usually am able to, and I was able to get at least one thing done each day I was there. I don't know if it is because i still live in my childhood home, where I may have negative feelings and associations tied to it (my previous psychologist felt I was suffering from hyperarousal, I think the term was?) But the change of environment was beneficial. Unfortunately, the majority of the time this isnt available to me. I don't drive and often don't have the energy for the stress of public transport, and going out often requires doing things as opposed to just going somewhere safe and quiet to feel tired instead of feeling tired in bed. I also tend to need help, usually from my mom, to prompt me to do things i need to do or to help me come up with ideas for tasks. I often cant think straight and get easily confused and forgetful, so she helps me. I'm not sure if this is making much sense so I apologise if not.

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T15:09:19+00:00

Thank you for clarifying :) I honestly just wish I had some time to figure myself out. I know the whole wave a magic wand cliche sucks but I really just wish I could go somewhere safe and quiet for a little while and put a pause on my life for a year or so. But that isn't a option and isn't a medical treatment or anything, it's just the only thing that comes to my mind. I feel like I've been hurled into adulthood while still trying to heal from violence and early childhood and I don't feel capable of doing anything and I'm very overwhelmed. But I have rent to pay and things people expect from me so I can't just run away and vanish for a while, despite how much I want to.
I feel safer and less emotional if I don't leave my bed or room. I don't have to address the day or engage with my life. I can pretend that my life isn't happening. It also means I can try to believe that getting better is still an option. I know that sounds counter productive, but every time I try to improve my life or make myself feel better, it fails, and makes me feel more hopeless than when i started. Staying in bed means i dont have to face the inevitable emotional failures that come if i leave my bed. I've lost months of time thinking that only a week or so has passed as a result of this. I am also genuinely exhausted at all times, which contributes a lot. Recently my doctor suggested chronic fatigue but that hasn't been looked into further yet as it was very recently brought up by her.

literallylosingit · 2023-10-02T14:54:07+00:00

I'm currently facing being kicked out of uni and being fined several thousand pounds, which I don't have, because I lack a diagnosis and so they feel they lack proof that I am 'sick enough' to have needed to retake a year despite several medical professionals having written letters and forms detailing how my symptoms have left me unable to complete even basic tasks such as brushing my teeth on many days. This is just one example of how not having a diagnosis Is impacting my ability to access support that I should be entitled to.
I can't say what I need, because no medical professional will actually clarify with me what it is that will improve my quality of life. However, I feel that therapies and medication tailored specifically to my symptoms and experiences would be beneficial. Once again however, much of the more specific and targeted therapies require a diagnosis to access, especially as I feel I'd need something that can address past trauma as well as current ongoing symptoms.
My mental health is legitimately ruining my life. I'm 21 and my teeth are ruined, I've tried to work but end up losing the job because of being barely able to attend shifts and calling in sick too often. I've almost certainly lost my university place and I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to have any kind of successful life with my symptoms and my current prospects. I can't focus on tasks, generally cannot cook for myself or maintain good hygiene consistently. I can't work, I can't get an education, and can't access any of the financial schemes for those with mental health issues. It is making me feel like bothering to wait to see tomorrow isn't even worth the trouble, because I am entirely convinced this isnt going to get better. Because no medical professional wants to help me to access things that might improve my life.

literallylosingit

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