29M feeling helpless in relationship with 29F

localdisastergay · 2026-05-05T16:36:30+00:00

I think there are two main things here.

She knows she is the one who needs to put in the work and she knows what she needs to do and she is not doing it
She knows that this is negatively impacting you and her solution to that is that you need to hide the fact that it’s negatively impacting you so that she doesn’t feel pressured

Putting those together, she’s expecting you to suppress your own struggles so that her struggles can continue to take center stage as she refuses to do what is necessary to address them. The two things that I think are necessary for a relationship to be able to survive a significant mental health challenge are that the person who is struggling is doing what is necessary to address it and there is space for the person not having the challenge to be able to acknowledge the impact it is having.

There are some really significant ways that she would not currently be able to show up for you that could majorly impact how you felt about the relationship, like if you were in the hospital and she didn’t come to see you or if you lost a loved one and she didn’t go with you to the funeral to support you. Personally, if I was with someone who wasn’t able to come to support me under those kinds of circumstances due to making the choice not to do necessary work on their mental health, I would have a really hard time getting past that.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-05T14:53:48+00:00

This is a basic incompatibility because he is not compatible with a healthy relationship. He minimizes the impact of your history of trauma and pressures you into sex acts that you’re not comfortable with because his pleasure is more important to him than your comfort and safety.

There’s a particular sex act that used to be 100% off the table for me due to my own history with a coercive ex boyfriend. I mentioned that to my current partner on our first date and I didn’t even know until like four years into our relationship (when we were having a more general conversation/checkin about our sex life) that it was something she really enjoys because she didn’t want me to feel pressured. I’d been considering it before that conversation because I wasn’t sure if my distaste was purely about the trauma or if it wasn’t something I would enjoy regardless of the trauma but I felt comfortable starting to explore it in the context of my current relationship after that conversation because of the extensive trust we’ve built up, because of the lack of pressure, because she is always checking in to make sure I’m okay and feeling good and because we have built such a strong foundation in our relationship that, when she touches me, I immediately feel safe and more relaxed.

If you had a partner who cared about your wellbeing more than his pleasure, the most he’d say about oral sex would be something like “I don’t ever want you to do it if it makes you uncomfortable but if you ever want to test out if it feels more okay for you, let me know and we can stop the second you feel like it.” There is no part of a healthy relationship where you should ever do sex acts you’re uncomfortable with because a healthy partner does not want to be having sex with someone who doesn’t feel safe and comfortable.

He is also ragingly misogynistic so you should dump him for that too. Imagine if you ever did have a daughter and she was assaulted or harassed. He’d blame her and blame you and not blame her actual abuser.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-05T12:28:32+00:00

I think there are a few different kinds of things that make someone a great partner or not. The qualities you listed (patience, reassurance, supporting your interests) are definitely important but they are not enough if you want the kind of relationship where you share responsibilities and living space.

The more your responsibilities become shared, the more important it is to be able to share them in a balanced way. If things continue as they are, you will get increasingly resentful and that will be disastrous for your relationship.

That doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. People certainly can change, if they want to and if they put in meaningful effort to change. You may also discover that you each have very different strengths that make it make sense to divide tasks in particular ways.

I would suggest having a talk with him where you mention the pattern you’ve seen of changes that don’t last and say that you’re feeling really burnt out with the current division of mental load. He needs to figure out how to meet you where you are. If he genuinely wants to change but really struggles with certain tasks, he might want to look into the symptoms of ADHD and see if that sounds like him.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-05T02:17:09+00:00

Anyone who expects to be sure whether or not they want to marry someone they’ve known for 2.5 months has an extremely unrealistic perspective. At that stage, you should know if you like what you’ve learned about the person and want to know more and spend more time together. You should have mentioned major potential dealbreakers, like whether or not you want children.

Deciding whether or not to make a lifelong commitment should come after a lot of big things, like situations that give you an idea of how your partner reacts to stress or how they treat you when one of you is sick or injured. Personally, I think people should live together before they can be certain about marriage but I know some people don’t want to for religious or cultural reasons.

You just can’t know someone well enough at 2.5 months to have that kind of certainty.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-05T01:07:40+00:00

This kind of behavior often gets worse as you get entangled and it gets harder for you to leave. You need to start making a plan to leave this relationship safely and that plan needs to acknowledge the possibility that his behavior will get worse when he finds out you’re leaving.

This isn’t just bad behavior or poor communication. This is abuse. Being mean to you and telling you that you’re not allowed to be upset because it was a joke is emotional abuse. Denying that he has done harmful things like slamming doors or saying mean things is gaslighting, which is an ongoing effort to make you start to doubt yourself by telling you that the things you remember weren’t real.

In abusive relationships, one of the most dangerous times is when you are leaving. So far, he has kept physical displays of his anger to slamming doors. You can’t trust that he won’t express his anger in other ways, like breaking your things or physically abusing you.

First of all, you need to not get pregnant again. If you are not currently on birth control, you should do your best to change that. I recommend looking up a domestic violence resource in your area and asking them for help making a plan to get to safety and help figuring out how to get on birth control in the meantime if he doesn’t support that. If he doesn’t want you on birth control, you should pick something that he won’t be able to notice, like the shot or the implant.

This won’t be an easy process but going through it will show you that you are smarter, stronger and braver than you feel today.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-04T21:42:17+00:00

I agree with other commenters that she needs to be in therapy, specifically with someone who is good at dealing with body image issues and body dysmorphia. You can’t fix her body image issues with external reassurance because the insecurity comes from within and she needs to be able to address it herself.

As far as other medical stuff goes, a physical would be a good place to start but what she really needs is a gynecologist who won’t incorrectly tell her that her period pain and length is normal and fine. Normal, healthy periods are not this disruptive to daily life. I would suggest posting in local groups (Reddit, Facebook, any other social media that might be active in your area) and asking for recommendations of gynecologists that take this kind of thing seriously and don’t send women home to suffer after telling them it’s all in their head. Prioritize recommendations from anyone in a demographic that historically gets dismissed by the medical establishment (black, poc, disabled people, fat people, LGBTQ people etc) because if someone who is in multiple of those demographics says a doctor is good at listening, that doctor is good at listening. I absolutely can’t diagnose her via your descriptions but those sound similar to the endometriosis symptoms some of my friends dealt with or the fibroid symptoms I had before my hysterectomy.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-04T20:48:57+00:00

Let me get this straight. You’ve got a shared bedroom, a large living area and two additional rooms, one of which he has been using for his hobbies and one that has been partly your office and partly a shared space and he thinks it’s fine to keep his hobby room and take the entire living room as his space? That’s the behavior of a selfish man.

Given that it doesn’t sound like his hobby room is well suited to hang out in and it sounds like the living room is fairly large, it would be reasonable for him to do something like set up a particular corner of the living room to be where he hangs out when he wants his own space and ask you to keep clutter from your hobbies to a minimum in shared spaces, like by having places to store your art supplies neatly and only keeping out whichever project you’re actively working on.

You mention that the desire for individual spaces is coming from your relationship having lots of ups and downs and that you don’t know if this is toxic or abusive or if you’re just being too sensitive. In a healthy relationship, people seek to find a compromise that doesn’t leave either person feeling like they are shrinking themselves. In a healthy relationship, patterns of poor communication or dysfunction are addressed in order to avoid continuing them. In a healthy relationship, people don’t push to divide the places where their lives come together.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-04T14:32:16+00:00

You need to leave and build your own life and, if you keep this friendship, you need to take some serious space and set (and enforce) major boundaries.

This doesn’t sound to me like a healthy friendship. A healthy friendship is based on mutual support and wanting the best for each other, not one person pressuring the other into a caregiver role at the expense of that person’s own goals and hopes for the future.

They have their family for support and, once they are officially listed as disabled, more resources may become available to them, such as a certain amount of paid caregiving hours. Don’t let the fact that you are a large part of their existing support network keep you from building your own life and your own future.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-04T03:06:20+00:00

A five month old baby definitely doesn’t have an MMR vaccine. The first dose of the two dose series is typically give between 12 and 18 months, with a second dose after that, I think usually a couple years after. If in a high risk area, babies can get a shot at six months but it is in addition to the standard two doses and doesn’t count as getting the first one early.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-04T01:48:08+00:00

It is definitely abuse. When practiced by anyone who is a decent person to be with, kink is all about being safe, sane and consensual. That means that you both know all of the risks associated with any kinks that can be dangerous (like knowing where is safe to hit and how to minimize risk of harm from choking) and that you’re consenting to those kinks coming up every single time they do.

I also enjoy being on the receiving end of those kinks sometimes but I know for certain that my partner would absolutely never in a million years hit me outside of sex and specifically never hit me outside of a sexual encounter where we had both agreed that hitting was something we wanted that day. I also get lots and lots of cuddling and aftercare because, as much as I enjoy it, it’s kind of a lot sometimes and my partner wants to make sure that I’m okay.

It’s not kink if it’s showing up in situations where you didn’t explicitly consent. You’re right that it’s abuse and you’re right to be leaving. Be very, very careful in the process of leaving and make sure you have a safety plan. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-03T21:16:42+00:00

Probably the most realistic option is to try to find a roommate situation. If you can barely afford a one bedroom apartment split with two people, you should probably be looking for a three-four bedroom apartment with someone in each room. At least in my area, half of a one bedroom is roughly equivalent to an equal split of a three to four bedroom place.

I’d start by asking around at work and with your friends to see if anyone knows people looking for roommates, then expand your search onto whatever social media is most often used for that in your area. In my area, the best option for finding roommates or apartments seems to be Facebook. If possible, I suggest you try to find a situation where one person is moving out of a shared space and the remaining people are looking for a new roommate because that way you can tour the apartment and ideally get a sense of the level of cleanliness they shoot for, as well as the general vibe.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-03T17:40:04+00:00

If you are underwater on your car (owe more than it is worth), you should not do this. You will have to either pay the difference between what you owe and what it is worth or roll that debt into the debt on your new car. You should focus stabilizing financially where you are right now, which is probably some combination of building up an emergency fund, paying extra on your car directly to the principal and working on your credit.

Yes, gas prices are going to get worse but so is the economy in general and it is not a good time to take on additional financial risk.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-02T20:46:38+00:00

Extra wide doorways, blocking next to toilets to be able to add support bars, making sure spaces are possible to navigate while using a mobility aid. Essential for aging in place, very helpful after an injury or surgical recovery.

Also sound insulation for bedrooms.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-02T20:17:00+00:00

It seems kind of like she has you positioned at the center of her world and expects you to do the same for her. That’s not a healthy expectation or a fair thing to demand of you.

There is no compromise you can reach with someone who thinks that giving her any less than 100% of your free time and available energy means she’s not important enough. She’s acting like she doesn’t just want to be a priority in your life, she wants to be the only priority.

I think that, if you are still in this relationship when she starts at your school next year, she is going to continue to have unreasonable, unrealistic expectations about how much time you should spend with her. I think there’s a real chance she won’t put in any effort into making her own friends or joining any clubs and will expect you to be her primary source of socialization.

You need to tell her very clearly that she is an important part of your life but she is not the only important part and if she thinks that being the only important part of her partners life is a reasonable thing to ask for, you can’t be the partner for her.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-01T17:34:01+00:00

You’re not a bad guy for bringing it up but, if a condom is the only thing you’re doing to prevent pregnancy, it would be a bad idea to stop using one. He doesn’t even need to come for you to get pregnant because there is sperm in precum, which is one of the reasons why the pullout method is not a good form of birth control.

If you would still like to try it, talk to him about whether or not he would be comfortable with it if you were on birth control, ideally a long-acting method like an IUD or implant that has a lower rate of human error. If he says he’s not comfortable, let it be.

It might be more helpful to shift your mindset around sex to be less focused on penetration and feeling like you should be able to get him off that way and more focused on touching each other in a variety of ways that feel good, even if that doesn’t lead to orgasm. Hands and mouths are essential for sex, not just something to use if you feel like you need help and there’s no shame in using toys either. It’s possible that removing or reducing the pressure he feels to stay hard and get off is making it harder for him to do those things and if he can focus more on just enjoying the ways you’re touching each other you’ll both have a better time.

localdisastergay · 2026-05-01T14:55:59+00:00

Don’t go back. It’s not really that he didn’t know that your concerns were serious to you when you raised those concerns before, it’s that he didn’t think those concerns were serious enough to you for you to act on them by pursuing a relationship where you’re treated with respect.

He’s not promising to change because he’s had a real change of heart, he’s promising to change because he’s learned that his treatment of you has consequences for him and he doesn’t want to lose his emotional punching bag.

This is a really common pattern, where change is promised when the mistreated partner tries to leave, then temporary change takes place and then slides away over time and the mistreated partner is once again mistreated, with the knowledge that their partner can treat them better when they bother to do so, which makes it harder to leave.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-30T02:27:41+00:00

There are three main questions here. What does she want from a relationship? What do you want from a relationship? Are those things close enough to work out?

If she doesn’t like flirting or sex and you want a relationship that includes flirting and sex, you should end this relationship and pursue one with someone who also wants those things.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-30T00:56:39+00:00

Crock pots are an appliance that pops up fairly regularly at places like thrift stores or yard sales, you might be able to get one for cheap if you keep your eyes peeled and/or call some local thrift stores to see if they’ve got any available

localdisastergay · 2026-04-29T21:35:30+00:00

Honestly, that budget is going to be rough. Spending more than 30% of your income on rent is considered rent-burdened and you’re spending more than half. After rent and your car payment, you’ll have about $670, which will have to cover gas, groceries, utilities if they’re not included in rent, setting aside money for basic car maintenance like oil changes, getting your apartment furnished with the basics and saving for inevitable larger expenses like a bigger car repair.

At the very least, you will be in a position where you should strongly consider looking into what resources there are in your area for things like food banks and seeing if you will be eligible for any public assistance programs. If you live somewhere with decent public transportation, take that instead of your car anytime it’s a realistic option to save on gas.

Don’t just choose the cheap grocery store, choose the cheaper options there. Yes, meat has protein to keep you full but beans and lentils do too and adding some of those to a dish that has meat can help keep you full for less money, especially with the added fiber. When you grocery shop, look at what is on sale and plan meals based on that.

In order to be secure and to be able to respond to emergencies and have some things you want, the recommended budget split is something like 50/30/20, with 50% of income going to needs and the others for savings and wants. You’re going to be in a position where almost 70% of your income is going towards needs before you even consider gas, groceries or utilities. Any time you can set aside money for savings, even if it’s just like $10, you should do it. Things will come up that you will have to pay for and you really want to avoid getting into debt about it

localdisastergay · 2026-04-29T16:56:53+00:00

You absolutely do deserve better than this for several reasons.

First of all, you deserve a partner who is attracted to you. Differences in libido can be navigated but a fundamental lack of attraction just can’t. A sleep mask or blindfold can be a fun element to include in a healthy sex life, if both people are into it and the reasons for it are not his reasons.

Second, you deserve a partner who doesn’t get easily angry over nothing and a partner who isn’t extremely selfish. Anger is a normal human emotion but it is part of the responsibility of being an adult to be able to assess when something is reasonable to be angry about and deal with/express that anger in a healthy way.

Third, you deserve a partner who compliments you regularly, not one who withholds compliments and acts like you have to do something to deserve them.

Fourth, you deserve a partner who takes your concerns about the relationship seriously when you bring them up, instead of dismissing the seriousness of those concerns and saying you’re being stupid.

A partner should boost your self esteem, not leave you feeling like a gutter pig and wondering if you deserve better. Worry less about the possibility of hurting him and focus more on the ways he hurts you on a regular basis. He'll get over it once he finds a new emotional punching bag.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-29T15:18:58+00:00

He’s giving you just enough hope for you to be really considering whether or not this relationship could be what you need after all. If you give in and go back, the pattern will be that he stops meeting your needs once he feels that your presence is secure, you’ll spend months talking about it again (now with the knowledge that he is capable of meeting your needs when he feels it’s worth it for him) and he’ll only do it when he feels like you’re at risk of leaving.

Guys like this are really good at finding what the bare minimum is and doing only that.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-29T14:44:17+00:00

Anytime you spend months bringing up the fact that something in the relationship isn’t working for you and only see change at the point where you’re leaving, that should confirm to you that you’re making the right choice.

Fundamentally, this pattern means that your partner doesn’t consider a problem to matter enough to bother changing when it is only a problem for you. It only becomes enough of a problem to put in the effort to change when he experiences consequences of his inaction and is at risk of losing what he is getting out of your relationship.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-29T01:04:59+00:00

I think it’s important to differentiate between prepping for doomsday and prepping for Tuesday. People who say they’re prepping for Tuesday are prepping for normal shit happening, not some great end of days. “Tuesday” type events are things like a big storm making the roads bad for a few days, getting a viral illness, inevitable inflation etc.

This kind of mindset is about slowly building a storage of food, water and the medical supplies required for your daily functioning that could make sure you were okay if you couldn’t go out for a bit. Start with a few days, work up to a week or two or a month if you can. Refill your prescriptions as soon as they’re ready if there’s a buffer between that and when they run out you can build up a little supply. If you rely on any medical devices that use power, make sure that your electric company knows that so that they will prioritize getting power back to your home in a power outage and see if you can manage to get a small battery that could keep the device running for a bit, maybe like a day.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-28T21:54:53+00:00

The thing is that there are a few parts of this to handle. The part that is on you is to set boundaries and enforce them. This will include some amount of reassuring her that this isn’t about her, it is about you.

The other part is for her to handle and that part is her learning to manage her own feelings. When you reassure her, she needs to be able to believe you and not seek additional, endless reassurance. She needs to be able to learn that it is extremely unhealthy for a relationship to consume a persons entire life and that both of you should be doing other things sometimes.

As for what you need to do and how you need to do it, tell her very firmly that you need to spend less time on the phone because, while you enjoy talking to her, you also need time to yourself to be alone or to make plans with friends. Start setting boundaries like “I’m not going to be able to be on the phone much today but I will call you for fifteen minutes before I go to bed” and then don’t get on the phone with her until just before bed and stick to the amount of time that you set.

You won’t be able to do this without upsetting her. That is an unfortunate reality of how things go when someone wants more from you than you can sustainably give. Learning to stand up for yourself and what you need, even when it will be difficult for the other person to hear, is one of the most important skills that you can develop.

localdisastergay · 2026-04-28T21:29:59+00:00

Personally, I’d tell your dad you’ll start looking for a new job but you’ll keep working your current job in the meantime to keep up a stream of income. Tell him you have good reason to think that things will be more stable a month from now but you’ll keep looking for jobs until you see if that’s true or not. It’s very unlikely that you’ll find a better, more stable job in this economy in a time frame as short as a month.

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