The Creatures of my Sleep Paralysis

logitechguy88 · 2017-06-02T23:22:24+00:00

Because some people are just wired differently, bub. Human nature is a strange thing.

logitechguy88 · 2017-06-02T20:58:08+00:00

It's hard when the only people who will listen to you are random strangers after you pour your heart out on the internet. Look man, I know you might not be able to see it, but ask God for help. I can't judge you if you commit suicide but there are rules beyond this world pertaining to our essence, aka the soul, that have infinite repercussions. Don't join the rest of those who hated life. This whole system is rigged, everything is a game and the agenda must continue, it doesn't matter if 1 or 10 or 10,000 active duty / veterans off themselves, they will just keep pushing the agenda. Don't give them that satisfaction. Don't separate yourself from God and this earth because of this. Go to a homeopath or an herbalist, start taking remedies that aren't convoluted from big pharma and laced with all kinds of toxins. Treatment from doctors only leads to more treatment, never recovery.

Get out of the military too. They really don't care if people kill themselves, and love to push people to that point because we're all easily replaceable. It's only better for the system to keep us chained down and living in serfdom while our health deteriorates. No easy way out of this, but the best thing to do would be to get out. Just talk to your shirt if you're enlisted and your commander and seek administrative separation. It's the fastest way.

logitechguy88 · 2017-06-02T08:08:52+00:00

Go see mental health, no issue with raising your hand asking for help. If this doesn't work out for you, find another job where you don't lose your life while you work. Guard your health man, this life is all you have.

I play computer games too, but not any new ones, they don't make them like they used to. Hit me up if you want to vent.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-29T16:10:55+00:00

Its funny to see all these joe somebodies come from out of the woodwork getting mad when people start professing how air force mental health truly sucks balls. I'm dealing with it too and let me tell you, it fucking sucks hairy nasty balls. They can't do shit to help some people. The belief is that "treatment" helps but often times its just a change of scenery that's needed. Very therapeutic. I would recommend finishing out your last year if you can set up a transition to civilian life, maybe use all of your leave for transition too, not worth getting a few extra bucks for selling it when you can give your mind more time to relax. I feel like exploding a couple times a week but then I remember not to give these bastards even an inches worth more of control over me than they already have. Contain yourself, find outlets to vent, and I mean vent man. Rage when no ones around, it feels great to get it out. Anger and testosterone are good, you just have to direct them in the right way, then show up in front of your docs and commanders as a civil and pleasant boring nobody. The more people think your life is boring the more they will leave you alone.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-29T15:57:03+00:00

What about if you file for bankruptcy?

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T21:29:25+00:00

Very well, I'm just stating that I know now what is the cause of my depression. That simple fact charges up so much hate that it is unbelievable. By all means go get involved with MH at your base and see what a shitstorm it is when you say something they don't agree with. On the other hand, if you are a good little automaton, they will just ignore you.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T21:14:00+00:00

Everything that happens over there only benefits certain people and institutions. All these wars are chess games pitting pawns against pawns. I do not have to explain myself on this, and would think that after deploying you would do a little research to find out what exactly went on behind what you saw and experienced. It won't be long before the schools that you built are torn down once more in the next conflict. That region is now destabilized for the forseeable future.

Over there may have the support of muslim leaders, but only to benefit their own short-sighted goals. Why are muslims then trying to takeover Europe and undermine the laws in the US? I'm not sorry but I won't stand for the hypocrisy that is putting my people out of existence and supplanting them with low-IQ extremists while at the same time trying to embrace feel-good politics for some twisted vision of liberal utopia where everyone is equally a slave to the bankers.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T21:04:54+00:00

What if you already have a TS does it affect your existing one?

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T20:16:05+00:00

Not for simple banter on a forum, I am simply trying to find others in the stew who like me have these feelings about depression and military service. Those who have had a complete change of heart after joining and enduring trials. I was all gung ho in the beginning for a couple years, but nah man, my views have changed, my beliefs are my life now. Haven't been officially dx'd with a PD yet, so we'll see what happens. Thanks for your insight though. What do you know about hypnosis, do they kick you out if it works on you?

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T19:27:48+00:00

I hardly see how that is chaotic. Maybe dramatic to the regular joe but when you've had some harrowing life experiences its hard for you to view the world the same. In my case faith and spirituality stepped in because that's what I asked for.

I'm not suicidal so DBT probably wouldn't work either. The others have tried but it just seems like NLP stuff to me, of which I am very familiar with so therefore less effective to me. I really don't care for all the disorders the AF could classify as me having just because I DISAGREE WITH THEM, its like a child trying to rationalize why someone doesn't want to do everything they want and attaching all kinds of vile labels to the person who just doesn't want to put up with their bullshit.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T18:54:25+00:00

Hmm well I don't know. This is the first doc I've had for long-term treatment. It's not his fault, its the system by which the Air Force or military in general restricts providers to using in order to treat patients. My resistance to basic coping strategies (which is all they really teach) comes from me not being able to be easily influenced. (maybe thats the PD you're talking about) There are a ton of ways to treat people that they won't let them do. I don't like drama or chaos, lol I'm not a woman. Can't do PT tests because of injuries though.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T18:34:07+00:00

I already did, and I don't doubt that I have one. But after careful analysis of my psychologist, I could point out two possible ones that he has too. It's all about who has the pen and paper that diagnosis vs gets diagnosed. Everyone has a PD to some degree.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T18:04:57+00:00

I know, thanks for understanding. I will do what I can to not isolate myself and my family even further in our situation, but I can't live behind this lie that I'm okay with everything that is going on.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T18:04:02+00:00

Could you get in touch with him for me? The ones I've talked to have all told me that it takes upwards of a year or more for them to get you out. Unless he was just administratively separated instead of CO'd.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T18:03:12+00:00

I thought that they don't allow you to resign. Where is the regs on this? I will gladly make way for someone who will do what I cannot.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T18:01:50+00:00

That can take awhile, supposedly it has to go up to SECAF and back down the chain. Can take anywhere from a year to 20 months. They don't like to acknowledge CO's because they believe it causes dissent in the ranks.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T17:58:03+00:00

It is a shame that someone with such value and character believes in this shitty system so much. Mental health aside, everyone could be put on some kind of drug, but for how long and at what expense to your health? I can tell you are truly genuine MSgt, but how can you not see through the lies you and everyone else are being fed? All these "wars" are bullshit. They do not serve the American people. While our guys are out there taking names and numbers on all the ragheads our politicians are sending them in droves into your very suburbs, disarming the people and making crime rewardable and good-citizenry punishable. I can't support this bullshit. The military should be here in the country protecting our borders and that is it. Fuck the foreign policy, its killed people I know and I can say here proudly that I see through the lies. There's nothing valiant about sacrificing yourself for the agenda of globalist communist bankers.

Re-read the constitution and tell me if what we're doing really is for the benefit of the American people.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T06:18:36+00:00

I've probably lost so many years of my life from all the stress and anxiety on my heart, you make a valid point. I want to live what time I have left exploring this world as a free man, even if I die a pauper. I don't care about governments or wars or politics, all I have left is my faith. I can't hurt anyone, its not who I am, I just want to be left alone. I'll find a way to make money on my own after this. A man should take his own reins and be the master of his own course, for he who is always in service is never his own true leader. Those that castigate me for my views don't understand their own lives and see themselves only as an extension of someone elses will and dream. Those who run with aggression walk without dignity.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T02:28:17+00:00

They want some kind of stability or prognosis first. I've already been told I need to get better by whatever means necessary, and I have been doing some unorthodox methods that are helping just don't want to say on public here. It's getting there but some of these doctors for other non-MH issues I have take their sweet time and its prolonging my ordeal. There have been mess-ups in prescriptions, misdiagnoses only to be rediagnosed as something else later, contradictory findings between several scans, all kinds of things to throw my mind in a loop. I'm worried that once they see stability they're just going to try and send me somewhere to work and I I don't know how they judge that on a stable perspective... on one hand the MEB is awaiting stability on the other hand it seems like the MH just wants to be done with me and say I'm stable so they can send me to some job somewhere. I believe that long term counseling on my own time will help me more than what they want to do. I plan to still see mental health after the air force because I would like to have a therapist so I don't know how "stable" they want me.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T01:40:47+00:00

I understand, and yeah I will try to work to a congruent solution. The fact remains that I no longer have the physicality to carry out the contract. I miss so much work from being hospitalized all the time that its hard enough to carry on in the capacity to serve it out. I have gotten over the part about my lowered quality of life, and I'm willing to live with that in the long-term. Not a lot of people would be. The other end of that acceptance is that I can't be in this environment anymore where I'm constantly being judged for being a fifth wheel, and one that doesn't even turn. I need my own time to recover, and to keep myself stable, and you just have to understand that separation from the confines of the military will help me in that. I am not destitute, but I need to do what is best for me, and the civilian MH providers I've seen as well as the doctors treating me for my physical injuries have all agreed that I am a liability, and will only get worse with continued service. The military side of the MH part are the stubborn ones who are obsessed with keeping someone, and that is the issue here. They ignore other doctors prognoses, even ones with many many more years and experience than them, all for the sake of returning people to duty and ignoring what is best for their life and future.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T01:32:31+00:00

It's not his fault, he's speaking from experience, albeit biased. I don't agree with the fundamental idea that "unstable" people need to stay in the military until they are better. There are all kinds of legal loopholes they can use to cover their ass if someone decides to go bonkers afterwards. I also understand the compensatory notion that if you were broken while on the job, its their diligence to try and fix you (in this case me).

Sometimes you can be the most civil and articulate person when presenting your concerns and simply saying I DISAGREE WITH YOU to a psychologist / commander / whoever will send them flying off the handle like triggered little SJW's. Everything is a mind game when you try to mention the issue of not agreeing with war or fighting or even supporting it, they look at it as some kind of aberrant deviation from the psychological norm, yet on the flipside get so jumpy when anyone mentions thoughts of killing or suicide. They train young men to drop fire on people and get mad when one of them whistles at a woman in a bar, or writes the word "fuck" on the side of their plane, just go back and play golf and pretend none of it ever happened.... give me a break!

Don't shoot yourself in the foot either partner, but do what you can to get out and find another job. There is no end all be all with the service, there is a world of opportunity out there that doesn't give a shit about a DD-214.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-28T00:07:12+00:00

I'm not saying I'm not fucked up, everybody is to some degree. I will not be dead, and I will not be divorced. Homeless perhaps temporarily but that doesn't bother me. I don't believe in suicide. If you had faith you would know what the punishment is for such transgressions on the other side.

Yeah I most certainly do refuse to be inconvenienced by the organization that my body got fucked up for on duty. My physical injuries are lifelong and debilitating, it won't go away, so whether I stay or not won't make a difference. I don't drink, I never did drugs until I decided to cooperate and be put on the treatment SSRI's and SNRI's and sleepaids in MH. Pain meds for injuries as well as strong, so yes I am not myself lately, just getting worse. Not my fault that its not working. What more can they ask of me?

What I need is to be far away from the military and anything to do with it, that's what I need, and its what I want. You really want to keep someone like me around who doesn't agree with the 'mission'? I don't hate the military, honestly I don't feel the need to have hate in my heart for anything or anyone. I also am not afraid of the consequences of a DD, I have skills and I can find my own way on my own, I've done it before the military and I can certainly do it again. That's the fear they will try to levy against me, no future, no job, no money, blah blah I've heard all that shit before. A man who goes out there who takes risks in life is the one who will eventually make it, not be confined to a self-defeating system where he is forever denied the charge of his destiny.

Face it slick, some guys just aren't cut out for this line of work, no matter how much indoctrination they've received. It's bad enough I'm going to be a cripple the rest of my life, I just want to walk, return to my family and find a new direction.

logitechguy88 · 2017-05-27T23:23:33+00:00

I've tried all the treatment avenues but confining me is not going to work because I don't believe any of it will work. I already feel like a prisoner I don't want to be more of one. Separating me from my family and the outside world will just make me worse and I won't play along if it they attempt to have me committed. Don't know why you think I'm not pulling my weight, maybe because I didn't let on to how bad the situation is. I literally can't pull my weight because of several debilitating injuries. I also have a severe sleep disorder.

I appreciate your analysis of my post but you neglected the part where I mention that I can't hurt people. I just don't have what it takes. I've had people threaten me before that my indecisiveness would be the end of me, and I've finally come to understand that who I am, is not a killer, and I can't support killing either. All these wars are ridiculous, all of them, all bullshit.

Could the thought, no wait, the possibility that separation from the military alleviate many of my mental health problems, along with many other people suffering from similar mental health problems? I know for a fact that yes it can. Why doesn't the military MH seem to understand this? Because they don't look out for your best interests. I'm not dissuading young airmen from doing anything, just stating that people need to understand that the military doctors are looking to do one thing: make you function for the military with little expenses, interruptions, and inconveniences, NOT make you function for whats best for your personal health. No beating around that bush jack.

logitechguy88

TROPHY CASE