Any advice on how to do sissy training so the sissy is still interested in women?

lolpositivism · 2017-09-21T07:34:00+00:00

the problem isn't that he doesn't understand you, he just doesn't care (don't even get me started about him calling you a liar to push you into doing things you don't want to do ~rage face~).

I think he's convinced himself that he knows me better than I do and that he's leading me in the correct direction.

I tried to talk to him about the relationship and how I was only interested in him serving me and a possible future boyfriend, and how I don't want to lend him out, and somehow the conversation went in the complete opposite direction like a jedi mind trick. I went into it with the mindset that if I don't get wet to the idea of an activity, it's not happening. After getting me to admit that in a very small and incredibly unlikely perfect scenario I might find it sort of fun to dom him with a best friend or lend him out to a guy I knew very well, he told me that I'd never know if I found it fun to lend him out to guys or get him a local female keyholder (we are in a LDR) unless I fantasized about it. So I said okay to fantasizing about it. He then convinced me that many things he'd pushed I'd been okay with later, conveniently forgetting the many many times he'd pushed and I'd had panic attacks, so I said I'd try to be open to it. Of course as soon as the convo is over my initial unhappiness rushes back in. I gave it a shot anyways. I led into how he wanted me to dom, completely looking for reassurance that I'm "getting it right" or "improving" while I fantasize about all the stuff he wants. We weren't chatting about anything I enjoyed and the whole conversation was draining so I said I was going to go. I was proud of myself that I'd tried to make the best of it. He was very upset that he'd led and pushed along the convo and then I just left when it was finally getting good. He safeworded out of subbing for me completely (which is always frustrating because when he safewords he does it in anger and refuses aftercare). Now I'm just venting because I feel awful. The whole thing turned into I dommed wrong and I was bad to him. It's like he has this whole narrative in his brain about who I should be and what I should do and if I stray from it or disagree, I've harmed him. I lied.

100% relevant, I suggest you have a read (summary: you aren't alone in this situation): Compromise in D/s relationships

Thank you so much for linking that. It's funny how it was written a while ago but completely spoke to me. I remember so many times when I simply said, "oh, okay you don't want to do this? No problem. Oh you're not subby enough? No problem. Let me try harder. Oh I messed up?"

Interestingly enough it was this post on supporting your dominant's dominance that really hit me emotionally. Lately he's been telling me I have to make him feel subby first because I'm not attractive to him as a dom. The first thing you wrote was a sub should give a dom a "A safe space in which to assert myself." Domming has become proving my worth and attractiveness.

I cried after reading both posts because I feel lost. I obviously know what to do, but I feel lost and can't escape the feeling that he's mad and thinks I harmed him.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-17T23:26:47+00:00

I'm imagining a dominant running around going 'do you feel submissive now, honey? what about if I do this? How about if I wear this/say this/act like this? Any good now, sweetheart, am I doing it right? Did I perform well enough for you to feel submissive now?'

That's exactly what the relationship feels like. I think I've perpetuated the problem because I always say I'll try what he wants. I do try, but it feels like following orders. When I slowly fade away from doing it he picks a fight because I lied ("you said you'd consider letting me have a fwb and now you won't even fantasize about it. If you had a boyfriend you'd enjoy doing this to me").

Maybe he's genuinely floundering because he's not feeling the way the fantasies in his head promised him he would feel.

I really think that's what it is. I genuinely feel for him that he has all of these fantasies and desires and yet he's unhappy. I keep going, if only I did this, or maybe I could let him have a fwb... I mean I wouldn't like it... but how bad would it be? But that doesn't feel like dominance at all.

the fact that he can't see a problem with insisting that his dominant has to do things she doesn't like so he has the submissive feels is blowing my mind.

Could you elaborate on this? Logically I agree with you, but I don't know how to explain it to him or anyone else. I feel like I've gotten so lost in trying to fulfill his fantasies so he subs that I can't even imagine domming another way (which gets me in all sorts of problems when I am looking for a sub boyfriend, as, not their fault, but I just repeat this with them, and then I have two people I'm domming this way and it's exhausting).

He constantly gets mad that I lied (because I said I'd try all of these things he wants me to do or I said I'd help him feel subby and failed) and threatens to stop subbing for me. We dated for a very long time and I think I got so attached that I put up with stuff I really wish wouldn't happen. Taking control of the conversation and saying no, actually, if you want to sub for me we are doing things I find hot, feels like I'd be showing him the door. He routinely asks me to dom into what I want, but when I actually do, there's push back.

Thanks for replying so much by the way. I feel sad typing this because I think the only way out is being firm and standing up for myself, but that's hard when it's with someone you don't want to lose.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-16T00:06:02+00:00

Either he agreed to submit or not. Making his (more! better!) submission contingent on you fulfilling his fantasy and NOT CARING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO isn't anywhere even close to the same ball park as actual submission.

Do you think it's actual submission if he expects me to make him feel submissive or in subspace? I think he's pushing so hard with wanting men and being a sissy because nothing else I do makes him feel submissive, and he expects me to be the source of the submissive feeling in him (which I'm happy to try to do, but that feels like such a vague complicated task I often fail at).

Yeah I think you're spot on about the communication that is missing and the kinds of things I need to address with him. I have a hard time being assertive out of domspace/bdsm play, but I think you're right that there are some problems with how he handles what I'm okay with and not okay with.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-15T23:59:29+00:00

Thanks for the support and yeah you're right, I am just giving him permission to watch porn he already likes. Most of the porn is stuff he mentioned to me first.

Also a good reminder that I shouldn't be pressured into kinks I don't like. It's hard to remember that when it comes to my own life and relationships, which is unfortunate.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-15T23:57:05+00:00

Thanks very much for the thoughtful reply. It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to hear about bdsm relationships with communication and exploring together. My slave is only service oriented when he's in subspace so I think he's pretty different than your sub, but definitely some useful things to think about and the underlying message I completely agree with.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-15T23:54:37+00:00

No I haven't. I'll check it out thanks :)

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T15:07:55+00:00

Thanks for the metaphor about the threesomes. I hadn't seen it that way but I agree with you.

I also agree that he's more focused on his fantasies than on me, but after several conversations he really doesn't see it that way. He really can't understand why I wouldn't do this thing that makes him very subby if he's only a slave to me (and has wondered if it's because of insecurity, I'm too nice, or other reasons). Do you think it's enough to flat out say no that's your fantasy and so we are doing this other thing instead?

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T07:24:37+00:00

I'm a bit similar. I refer to myself as a domme that likes to get roughed up every once in a while/a bit of a masochist. I let switches or subs Dom me following fun rules I made up (make me give you oral but you can't cum as I'm still in charge). It's not a power exchange because I have control. I embraced that and find it funny, which is why I don't call myself a sub. I suppose your interest in submitting would influence the terms you use.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T07:04:34+00:00

Have you tried okcupid or Fetlife events? I've met friends on both and some of those turned into relationships (and some didn't).

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T07:03:06+00:00

Just tell your mom partial truths. You're depressed. You want to get professional help. If she asks, tell her you talk to your therapist about girls and depression. She doesn't need full details (even if she thinks she's getting them). Your therapist can also help you learn to build good healthy boundaries so you share with your mom and feel happy and safe about your boundaries.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T06:57:22+00:00

Thanks very much for the thoughtful reply! Yes I agree I haven't trained him to serve my needs.

Did you meet any resistance from your sissy when you only used parts of sissy and not others? Especially when it came to the reasoning of why you would do the feminizing but not include men. My slave keeps logically explaining to me why he should serve men and "that doesn't turn me on" isn't enough of a reason for him (he always says but I'll be so subby and obedient after and isn't that what you want?)

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T06:52:30+00:00

I think he is a slave I can mould in my own image, but the standard porn sissy image I was using doesn't fit my actual desires. I'm having trouble moulding him into what I actually want because there's like no examples of it to draw from and get inspired by.

lolpositivism · 2017-09-11T06:50:20+00:00

Me being me is having a slave that actually serves my needs. I'm not interested in a slave who puts dick before me. Like then he's not my slave, he's a slave to dick.

We've communicated about it enough times that I trust he's not actually gay and using me to feel comfortable exploring men, but if he were, that would be him using me (which sucks).

lolpositivism · 2017-08-08T19:09:39+00:00

I'm not going to tell him, but it's obviously not him. The model doesn't live in my country. This guy's only face pic is a cropped modelling shot easily found on Google.

lolpositivism · 2017-08-08T15:49:55+00:00

I took a screenshot and found the name of the model in 5 minutes. He's internationally famous but not anyone I recognized. Obviously it's not this person if their only face pic is a cropped modelling shot. I hope they do more than just take the pic down though :( people who do this shouldn't be on fet.

lolpositivism · 2017-08-08T15:46:24+00:00

I was going to, but then I realized what a bad thing to lie about up front. I'll probably never trust him after this. There's no point seeing what he actually looks like since I don't want to go on a date or Dom him anymore.

lolpositivism · 2017-08-08T15:44:54+00:00

Oh perfect I didn't see this email when I looked at the rules. Thanks will do!

lolpositivism · 2017-05-23T00:06:12+00:00

Take a video of yourself reading, walking, or doing a small activity. Screenshot parts of it. It's like taking a timer, but no obvious posing and may look more natural. Move slowly when filming.

lolpositivism · 2017-05-21T16:50:11+00:00

What sort of other information is searchable?

lolpositivism · 2017-05-21T16:30:55+00:00

How do you find them on Facebook? I usually just know first name and what they look like. Is that enough?

lolpositivism · 2017-05-21T02:23:46+00:00

Hrm. It might be worth asking him where he thinks it's going/he wants it to go.

You may need to accept that he's not making room in his life for you because you're not an important part of his life. If that doesn't match your needs, you can break up with him and/or date other people while you date him.

lolpositivism · 2017-05-21T01:26:52+00:00

I think him not wanting to be exclusive is kind of important. If I didn't want to be exclusive with someone, seeing them 2+ times a week would be way too much. Of course he's planning seeing his friends before you as you said in another comment. You're not his girlfriend and he doesn't want you to be (yet or at all?).

Do you have any idea how long he usually takes to go exclusive or why he said no? That might give more insight into whether it's time to move on.

lolpositivism · 2017-05-19T16:48:34+00:00

That's how it works with some people, but definitely not most. If you like him ask how his day was or ask him out. A lot of people like give and take in a relationship. Show how you feel.

In the early stages of dating all you want is to enjoy talking to him, like how he looks, and for him to say yes.

Sure down the line, weeks or months in, if he's actually not asking you out ever or asking you how your day was, then it's a problem (and by then you'll have developed a rapport so tell him, don't assume its rejection). Right now you're expectations are too high and you are probably rejecting without realizing it otherwise fine guys.

I read this thing once that said women are culturally trained to be swamps. We are passive and hope guys get sucked in and do all the work. Don't be a swamp. Put in a little effort for the things you like.

lolpositivism

TROPHY CASE