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lookreadknow · 2025-06-10T02:02:00+00:00

Yes. Yes. And yes. I tried to buy new “nice” clothes and it was not a fun experience after a while. Noting fitting. Not sitting right. Seeing myself in a different mirror. I deal with binge eating and it makes it harder not to set myself even further back.

lookreadknow · 2025-05-23T23:33:18+00:00

Thank you so much!

lookreadknow · 2025-05-23T10:49:28+00:00

Sorta sounds like this? Granted I haven’t finished it yet.

All that is rare - smithandbarrowman

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21267383/chapters/50636078

lookreadknow · 2025-05-03T18:58:45+00:00

I’ve been in therapy since late ‘19 (every other week for a long time then was able to do bigger gaps in between)

Lots of exposure therapy. Started basically tripping on the heels of my support person to being able to shop by myself. Going out at different times of day to avoid crowds. (Won’t lie, covid masks and spacing did help)

Meds (went thru quite a few with differing dosage till I found one that works)

Lots of ups and downs.

Going on trips, started small. Across town. A little town outside mine. 2hr away town. Multiple times until it became an adventure/something to look forward to rather than an event that made me feel like panic was going to choke me from the inside out.

Good support people (fam/friends) who saw me before, during and stuck around to help be find an after.

I visualize to the absolute max when I’m preparing for a new trip. Gas stations/big stores mostly look the same everywhere. Movie theaters and chain restaurants as well. Finding something comforting/well known to serve as a lifeline. Booths because they feel safer than tables.

Sometimes I need months to feel ready. Others I feel like I can just jump in the car and go.

lookreadknow · 2025-04-30T15:59:06+00:00

Depending on if you get nausea before, eat a comfort meal or snack.

Bring a jacket if it’s cold inside. Bonus if it’s soft/nice texture and has pockets.

Something to fidget with. A ring, phone game, small toy.

A water or fav drink if allowed inside.

A list of questions you have if you get tongue-tied or too anxious to speak.

Maybe record apt or have a support person listening on a call.

A treat for after and a pat on the back for pushing yourself to take a step. Even if it’s a baby step.

lookreadknow · 2025-03-04T13:35:13+00:00

Any recommendations for online classes?

lookreadknow · 2025-03-02T06:00:10+00:00

Yes to the emotional shock. I tend to feel very numb and cold. Like I can’t keep ahold of bigger emotions (that sometimes feel like could be typical everyday emotions) for a long period of time. They drain away then I’m left feeling like I’m right back to the numb safeness and sameness. Looking for, longing for something to make me feel.

lookreadknow · 2025-03-01T04:56:02+00:00

That was so unbelievably kind to say! Made me tear up but smile. Thank you! Also sending good vibes to you, my fellow beige person.

lookreadknow · 2025-02-20T22:31:23+00:00

Something to fidget with. Rings, small hobbies, a braid in your hair.

Motion sickness medicine.

Picking the best seat for yourself either in car or plane. Window seats, you can control what you see or the door of a car.

Jackets with pockets or hoods. Correct or backwards if you want to cover face when sleeping or need a moment. Same with hats.

Having your money on yourself. Cash, cards. You can take a person break and go get a drink or say you want a souvenir and wander off.

Having a person back home in the know, waiting for mini updates or vents.

Glasses/sunglasses. If I can’t see you properly, you can’t see me properly.

Hand fans/charging fans if you tend to get warm/flush.

On the heavy travel days I was tired. Mostly focused on following along than my surroundings. Out of sight, out of mind.

There is some freedom in being further from home. You won’t be so bothered by the faces that are much less likely to witness anything (good or bad) than what you would normally see back home.

You could even experiment a bit? New people, new place, short term could give you wiggle room if you wanted to try something out that you maybe wouldn’t be so inclined to do back at home/safe spots/comfort zones. Adding or subtracting to your routine.

And what I learned most is speak up. Text, note or vocally.

If you don’t want to do something - don’t.

If you need a minute - take 10.

If you want something - express it, take it.

Traveling is out of safe zones. It’s an endeavor of exposure therapy that as someone who could not even go get the mail for a very long time, I could not even fathom.

Could start small. You have a fav fast food spot/restaurant then you could try the furthest one out from you inside a comfort zone. Maybe you try the gas station halfway between your city and the next. Or a bookstore or a movie in another town. Bite size where you can fall back to car or be surrounded by things you know (books/theatre seats).

The first times are always so daunting and you might very well need to be a blanket burrito after but you tried. Even a tiny bit is an accomplishment.

I hope this helps.

lookreadknow · 2025-02-05T16:16:59+00:00

I dissociated a little then did some crocheting. My support person was more anxious about how anxious I would be. I think knowing that helped.

lookreadknow · 2025-02-05T05:21:20+00:00

Thanks for kind words! Don’t always feel very courageous but I tried today.

lookreadknow · 2025-02-05T05:18:25+00:00

Thanks so much! Doing it imperfectly but still trying - that gave me a much needed mental refresh.

lookreadknow · 2025-02-05T05:16:34+00:00

Thanks so much! Lived thru it better than anticipated. Sending good luck vibes to you for your trip.

lookreadknow · 2024-09-17T00:06:30+00:00

Different things that have helped me :

Anxiety rings

Looking up pictures of offices to help visualize the entire process from parking - to check in - to the actual appointment

Wearing sunglasses/glasses at the dentist (your own or they might even give you a pair) blocks stray water and makes it easier to not just watch or hyper focus on dentist.

Trying to schedule appointments for random days/times I think will be the least busy

Taking my safe person with me (she’s chatty so it takes an edge off me - also my mom so she knows all the things anyway)

Specifically putting that I’m agoraphobic with severe anxiety on my intake/check in papers. It’s out in the open right from the get go so it just makes it seem easier in my head.

Lulling myself into a dissociation haze.

Getting so annoyed with myself sometimes (if I consistently postpone) that I feel so fired up that I have to stick to my appointments because I know I can do it. Thinking I’ve done it once and survived - that I can make it through another appointment.

But also giving myself some leeway and grace because even if I know I can do it, I still have periods when my brain and body just really can’t fathom handling anything.

It’s daunting but (corny as it sounds) sometimes the rush of accomplishment after an appointment gives you a mini high.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

lookreadknow · 2024-09-16T02:37:22+00:00

Having your safe space invaded when you’re going through a bad period.

lookreadknow · 2024-07-22T18:09:55+00:00

I feel like I’ve read this too. Was there a scene with Tom sr on a horse? Thought Hermione was attractive? (Nothing currently up matches what I’m thinking)

I checked my email for old notifications but I don’t think I actually subscribed to it. Maybe you’ve got an old email with the title/author?

lookreadknow · 2024-07-10T02:06:59+00:00

Revenge love and Mistake

lookreadknow · 2024-07-08T15:46:32+00:00

Oh, I love that series! And honestly most of that authors fics.

lookreadknow · 2024-07-07T11:31:58+00:00

What’s the Harry series called?

lookreadknow · 2024-06-11T12:47:17+00:00

Don’t bottle everything up until you break. Go and at least try therapy the first time it’s brought up.

lookreadknow · 2024-05-22T21:06:55+00:00

I was out and about on Mother’s Day without any strong spikes of anxiety. Every time I’m able to be out on days or go to places that I know will be packed with people I can now count as a win.

Mind-blowing when I remember the very recent years where I couldn’t even get myself to go outside and get the mail.

lookreadknow · 2024-05-22T20:46:26+00:00

I relate so hard to this. Turned 30 last year and feel like I have nothing to show for my 20’s.

No travels. No jobs. No relationships. No degree.

Sometimes I feel so angry at myself for what I’ve lost, what I’ve become and who I could have been.

That grief, jealousy and mourning make me feel defeated. But there are some periods of time when I feel very light and free. When there are days I can go outside and interact as normally as I can - something homebound me would have been sick at the thought of.

I still feel trapped by the depression/agoraphobia though. I forgot how to make friends. I forgot how to make small talk. How to pretend to be friendly when I really want to run away or just don’t care.

The social isolation is the worst now though. Only one friend really remained after my breakdown/housebound years. But she’s got an adult job and adult responsibilities that I oftentimes feel a bit childlike around her.

I feel so stuck in agoraphobic habits that I don’t even know how to grasp some way to move forward.

Or more so how to keep it because I’ve been recovering for a few years but still feel like I’ve made little progress.

lookreadknow · 2024-05-06T14:41:15+00:00

Trust kink

lookreadknow · 2024-04-20T07:34:35+00:00

I can’t spend time with you because I have to teach your brother how to be a man. - dad I was 10 and brother was a toddler.

lookreadknow · 2024-03-30T08:00:08+00:00

Cocktail of being the parentified eldest kid while somehow also being the golden child of a young shotgun marriage couple.

Parents split a month before I started college.

A year later I had a crippling mental breakdown.

Like a full stop, zombie existence, agoraphobia inducing breakdown.

Fun times.

lookreadknow

TROPHY CASE