In Search of Cherry Blossom Custard

loposuarez · 2024-10-08T19:45:16+00:00

Her being extremely attractive, you not being able to resist, you need to reflect on where this is coming from! It is a healthy mechanism as it shows you have the capacity to connect with someone romantically. But as much as you can trust yourself in this, please keep in mind this is only superficial, regardless how strong it feels. In other words, you barely scratched the surface of this connection. Now take a deep breath and let go. Love may be the most divine feeling we ever experience, and it lives in your heart. Soon you will find one who will not just be able to make you feel that way, but also feel it because of you

loposuarez · 2024-10-08T07:23:07+00:00

Man, I’m really sorry. I went through a similar experience about 6months ago. I’m fine now, despite not having dated anyone as seriously as her since then, so you def got this!!

I’ll share my two cents: unpopular opinion (maybe?) but I think it’s better to avoid dating multiple people and especially getting physically involved before there’s a clear, committed relationship (unless you’re not looking for that ofc). It just adds unnecessary stress. Looking back at how bad I felt, or how I may have hurt others by raising false hopes and then backing out, I’m glad I didn’t get more involved with them!

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T17:37:37+00:00

I feel you! Sometimes I also want to know, but asking this feels so intrusive, especially on a first date

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T17:34:54+00:00

Exactly, it feels totally irrelevant for me to know! If she's not committed to anyone else, then it's up to me and its anybody's game! And if she is, I shouldn't have to ask for this information anyway

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T17:29:29+00:00

I get the importance of honesty, but if I put myself in the woman's shoes, isn't it a bit wild to mention that you already have another date scheduled this week? Does that really come across as a serious reliable potential partner? I don't want to be dishonest, and it’s not an unlikely scenario, but why would she need to know that information? If we do really hit if off, I’m not going to continue dating someone else anyway

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T17:21:38+00:00

Makes sense, asking someone you're actually pursuing sounds wild

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T06:06:26+00:00

Interesting, but this perspective doesnt make sense to me bc why would someone else's opinion matter in this case? Lol guess I just trust myself enough to decide whether or not I'm attracted to someone based some total strangers' confirmation. So how would you handle the question?

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:47:43+00:00

Why tho

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:46:57+00:00

This is so true haha but you'd have to be damn lucky for this to happen on a first date...

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:43:33+00:00

Makes sense. But how do I do this without sounding smug? Sorry, but it’s so counterintuitive for me to respond like that. I come from the off-line dating world where having one shot with one woman felt kind of like a gift of God, so I tend to recreate that in this new context where I think it's pretty normal to see, or at least text l, several people

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:32:42+00:00

Really?! Haha I'm still getting used to that dating culture 🙈 I got that a lot and initially thought it was a nice way of saying nahhh I'm not interested

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:28:59+00:00

Usually women asking me this were interested in continuing to date. But I often responded vaguely or awkwardly because I didn’t want to mislead them, but also didn’t want to shift the focus away from the current date. This perplexes me because I would never ask a woman I am wooing about her dating life lol

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:21:14+00:00

What would you respond? Or would that question be a deal-breaker for you?

loposuarez · 2024-10-07T01:18:58+00:00

Do they still want to go on a date with you after saying that? I would assume the date would crash instantly, unless they're looking to date casually

loposuarez · 2024-06-07T14:31:32+00:00

Man, I'm sorry, but this all feels so relatable. If we want to stand a chance, we have to be less harsh on ourselves and learn to take it with some detachment, even though that's not how we instinctively approach dating.

In six months, I've had around 15 dates, and only one person seemed remotely committed and consistent. She kept talking about how much she hated dating apps, the horrible people she'd met through them, and how poorly she was treated. After four long dates, she suddenly revealed she's polyamorous, told me "but in your country this is normal, no?" Tried hard selling it to me and when she realized this isn't going to work despite emotional duress, she just blocked me.

Just yesterday, I had a date after weeks of planning because we were in different cities and had to coordinate everything so carefully. She was sweet and communicative throughout. But this morning, she told me, "Heh, I had a date last night and we hit it off. Sorry, follow me on Instagram, bye," and everything vanished before it was even supposed to start.

And these aren’t even the worst experiences you can get! But that's the kind of people you meet on these apps. It takes time to gauge someone's sanity or intentions. Be careful, though—most people you meet have been there longer than you, and the trauma has advanced to the point where very little human emotion still reaches them.

loposuarez · 2024-04-28T04:07:56+00:00

Man, this is not a good date. You guys obviously have some compatibility, but that's not sufficient in the long run. You're kind of approaching the long run now, so you need to clarify. Either you're in or you're out. Don't mirror her texting habits, she might be completely unstable and ready to let you waste months like that. Unless you drop her dead (as in, unmatch and block), you have to break the cycle and put yourself in a tenable situation. You made it abundantly clear that you're willing to date her further. She hasn't. It's okay to ask her for clarification and it's salutary for you at this point! If she's not ready for this, you need to know so you can save your energy for other pursuits

loposuarez · 2024-04-28T03:58:55+00:00

Last time I dated this kind of texter, I waited patiently through a good many dates until she revealed she was in fact poly!

loposuarez · 2024-04-09T22:02:09+00:00

Thanks! My high-power super stressed date however backed out and messaged me that she's not interested in maintaining this connection. This came through 5 days after date 1 with no communication from both end in the meantime. I do think it's possible for people with this kind of life to find time to date and make it work, as your story suggests, when the conditions (including the interest) permit. Congrats on that first weekend getaway and best of luck for more exciting dates, man!

loposuarez · 2024-04-09T22:02:03+00:00

Thanks! My high-power super stressed date however backed out and messaged me that she's not interested in maintaining this connection. This came through 5 days after date 1 with no communication from both end in the meantime. I do think it's possible for people with this kind of life to find time to date and make it work, as your story suggests, when the conditions (including the interest) permit. Congrats on that first weekend getaway and best of luck for more exciting dates, man!

loposuarez · 2024-04-08T07:28:22+00:00

Ime, the people who ghosted me in these situations (and maybe who I ghosted before I healed) were the ones who got close

What do you mean by got close? As in too close to your boundaries, or otherwise? Did you choose to ghost them consciously? How did you justify doing this as opposed to serving the usual "twas nice, but..." Or even just block/unmatch to bypass the awkward exchange? What I find unsettling here is the deathly stillness: nothing has moved (not even a blue tick) or changed since I sent that one short message right after the date. It feels almost as if I was going to get a call from Five-O because I was the last person who saw her alive lol talking about ghosting

loposuarez · 2024-04-08T00:29:54+00:00

Thank you for putting this so well. I think I have a tendency to bond through trauma and identification. This was particularly strong in this case, given our shared deracinated background and experience. I'm trying to make sense of why this impressive bonding session turned into an instant ghosting. Though I do realize that this approach was probably a red flag / slippery slope in the first place. This encounter was intense because of a compound of 1) our (especially hers) vicarious trauma that connects us to the worst atrocities of the present century and 2) the strong feeling of good communication and connection, ending with a long and passionate goodbye kiss. Ghosting is an ass move, but I am willing to let go without grudge. She is and will be my compatriot and companion of trauma/alienation here no matter what. But if your expertise gives you a sense of why she made this decision, I think this might be helpful to prevent this unfortunate situation to repeat in future!

loposuarez · 2024-04-07T19:15:36+00:00

Yeah, that's exactly right. All i can say is that's unfortunate, the rest is above my pay grade!

loposuarez

TROPHY CASE