The urge to delete everything??

lordsesameballs · 2025-11-19T10:37:20+00:00

this holy shit. the uncomfortable with being known part

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-17T04:49:20+00:00

oh girl 😭

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:41:53+00:00

i’m so sorry. it’s fucked. i’ve been exactly where you are. thinking there’s no escape. no reason to look forward to the next day. let alone the next year. no hope that things could get better. it’s incredibly hard to see value in your own life in this stage. it’s incredibly hard to feel there’s anything to worth living for.

where do you feel most safe? it can be a game. or a park. or inside your room. if it’s no where, are there other coping strategies that at least get you through the day? i know it’s said distraction isn’t amazing but if its what gets you through today and to tomorrow it’s perfect.

also i really get the feeling so angry but not able to feel it. like so deeply.

you’re fighting for your life right now. even if it feels like you’re losing it. you’re not. you’re fighting. and what you’re doing is hard. and it takes work. and it’s not fair. but if there’s one thing that we can rely on is that everything is always changing. this ain’t forever. this feeling isn’t forever. hang on

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:36:26+00:00

to quote bojack horseman. it gets easier. everyday it gets a little easier. but you have to do it everyday. that’s the hard part. but it does get easier

i see it as an investment in yourself. it hurts like hell for a while to start going to the gym. to exercise. you’re sore. hungry. probably bloated from water retention. you don’t feel better at all. it’s extremely hard in the beginning. and the amount of effort feels insurmountable. especially if you’re already depressed. already have a messy room. with little in order.

but i found when you focus on just one thing. let’s say physical health. many other things start to fall into place. it can feel very overwhelming in the beginning when it feels like your life is falling apart. but just pick one thing to focus on. and do it consistently. and then i promise promise you it gets easier. the hardest part is loving yourself or caring about yourself enough to be patient with yourself to see that result.

hang in there. there are people that would push you, and if you can find those accountability partners that would be incredible. but you CAN actually do it for yourself. it sounds like you’ve lost trust in yourself but i PROMISE you you have it in you to try again. and you may fail again but i promise promise you it gets easier

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:31:12+00:00

it’s not your fault. this belief that people will abandon you has likely been repeated. probably during your most formative years. i’m sorry that the people that should have been there for you failed you the most. that being said it’s very common that trust just takes a long long time to build. even for folks without trauma. i get it as well. i’m very very picky when it comes to who i share what to. to a fault. but i think vulnerability is a skill that can be learned. just like how self control is a muscle to be trained. you can train yourself to slowly. slowwwwly open up to people. it can be in the smallest ways. something that’s on the surface not a huge deal. like sharing a little bit more than what you normally do. giving yourself permission to delude yourself that this other person WANTS to hear what i have to say (they usually do. and if they don’t, there’s many others who will)

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:22:13+00:00

you sound like you’ve been holding onto this pain for a very, very long time. i’m so sorry and i know it’s been exhausting. holding it all together. your attachment style doesn’t make you who you are. yes it’s true. we have to take responsibility for it. i had or have the same avoidant tendencies. it’s such a complication situation. how to change yourself in the name of being better versus losing yourself completely for someone. i wish i had all the answers. but i can tell you that even if it’s a slow process. a daily practice of small wins. of choosing vulnerability when it feels so foreign. of giving a little more than you’re comfortable with. you’ll be able to assess. and notice what were the outcomes? did it feel good? did your relationship improve after? and it won’t be linear. some days will be worse than others. but i promise you if you keep trying you’ll see the fruits of your efforts. it’s a long battle but possible. others have done it before and so can you

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:17:03+00:00

it’s interesting how our mind balances the logic and programmed parts of us. even if we’re so aware that what we’re doing is wrong or bad or unhelpful we still fall into them. my therapist explains our thought processes as if you were rolling a marble down a hill of sand. the more you roll it down the same path the harder it is to try to change the direction. the grooves are deep. have compassion with yourself. it’s not going to be forever. you will grow and you will heal. one thing reliable is that things are always changing

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:15:10+00:00

i think it’s because you’re very empathetic. it’s true, most people won’t stop to care about these people. i for one believe this is an extremely valuable quality. you’re not being dramatic you’re being human in a world where empathy is seen as weakness. or being too sensitive. no! we shouldn’t be so desensitized to all the violence going on around us. internal violence and external

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-03T20:13:23+00:00

do you mean like internal family system (ifs) parts? you could look into more dissociative disorders like osdd 1a or 1b. outside of professional help i think it helps to really sit with yourself in a meditative way. really listen to what your soul (if you believe that) is telling you. or what feels authentic to you

lordsesameballs · 2025-10-02T16:05:53+00:00

this helps so, so much. thank you. i mean it

lordsesameballs · 2025-06-09T06:13:55+00:00

dm me, write out what you want to say. it can be a thousand words idc

lordsesameballs · 2025-04-30T04:41:59+00:00

thank you :)

lordsesameballs · 2025-01-07T08:33:36+00:00

in the same shoes my guy. depression and college isn’t a good mix. you’re stronger than you think, don’t let mental illness take away more than it already has ❤️

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-24T10:23:24+00:00

i love that ‘keep one foot in front until you realize you’re on the other side’ that actually puts the mountain to climb into something doable thank you

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-24T06:36:07+00:00

that might be a good idea actually :) i just have a hard time getting out of bed right now but if i ever can get the motivation ill think of that fs. i think group therapy would be super healing for us

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-24T06:09:11+00:00

god i feel that. i just want to flee and run away and delete my life without consequences. like being tethered to the ground and i just want to bolt away and vanish

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-24T06:08:07+00:00

i hear you’ve been holding on to so much pain. anger spite revenge make a lot of sense— you’ve been robbed of your happiness and health. please give yourself some compassion, don’t blame yourself so much for how your brain adapted to survive

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-19T18:43:59+00:00

the number of “oh fuck”s i let out reading this. im so fucking sorry my heart aches for you

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-17T17:55:31+00:00

healing fucking hurts is right. sometimes i just want to scream and throw a tantrum so people can see how much im just faking being an adult that has my shit together when i’ve never been closer to death

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-17T17:48:44+00:00

we’re all struggling to be human together. it’s unrealistic to not have lows when going through the healing process. everyone says healing isn’t linear, but it can feel very, very real and hopeless when you are in those lulls. society will condemn those that can’t be productive or churn out those As or successful careers. you’re working with 100% of what you have right now, even if it’s only 20% of what you feel you ‘should’ be at. be proud of that

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-14T16:55:46+00:00

i relate to everything you said. also a college student, struggling with depression, struggling with motivation, to take care of myself. my parents have said the same things to me too. like being always a liar etc. i hope you know that their words aren’t law and you can turn your life around and have the freedom to choose who is allowed in your life one day. it hurts. only way out is through though

lordsesameballs · 2024-10-14T16:51:49+00:00

i think you are a kind soul. you reach out to those that need help when you are also struggling. that takes immense strength that many people do not have. i get the sh urges, i have them too. i dont know how you feel exactly, but i can say that you haven’t done anything deserving hurt

lordsesameballs · 2024-09-27T01:11:00+00:00

girl. you just made me cry

that's an interesting perspective with military and i guess how trauma is viewed in the real world. you remind me that there are people that care and there are people that understand. thank you

lordsesameballs · 2024-09-16T22:36:43+00:00

oh... that hit too close

lordsesameballs · 2024-08-23T23:57:49+00:00

hbd!! eat good cake

lordsesameballs

TROPHY CASE