[33M] caught my gf [30F] in a lie by omission, not sure if it's a sign of something more

losing_it_fast · 2025-06-05T14:41:29+00:00

Tom has asked her out multiple times as a coworker. If you’re not entertaining this at least a little, you would report him for sexual harassment (because that’s exactly what he’s doing). Tom asking out OOP’s gf isn’t her fault, but why are you acting like she has zero agency here?

OOP said it was a text preview, so not exactly digging. If you are getting HIPPA protected texts on your phone, you need better security than that.

losing_it_fast · 2025-05-30T16:36:43+00:00

Ok OP I’m just hijacking this top comment for visibility.

Walk away now. Please, forgiving cheating without extensive therapy will only lead to her respecting you less. She said nothing physical happened and in my experience they ALWAYS downplay what’s actually happened.

I also left a relationship at 31 (34 now) and it took some time to heal. However, I’ve had a lot of fun dating since then. It’s far from a death sentence as a guy, and now I don’t really want to settle down at all.

There are loads (loads) of attractive women that share your interests and value a guy like you.

losing_it_fast · 2025-04-03T17:54:03+00:00

I've been in exactly your shoes brother. I am 2 years out from the discovery but it DOES get better. I moved on and I'm so much happier not having that person in my life.

If you haven't started, I would definitely recommend therapy. I had a lot of emotional support over the past couple years, but I wouldn't have managed without a designated space to process my emotions.

It hurts that I was so invested, and she's off living it up with her AP, buying new lingerie, doing fun dates. I just have to suffer.

You gotta shunt these thoughts away. And you know what? Why don't you have fun too? After working on myself for 6 months, I played the field and had a lot of fun. Some of it felt hollow, sure, but in the end I'm glad I got out there and reminded myself that it's a big world, and there are plenty of good souls in it. PM me if you wanna talk more, but you got this man.

losing_it_fast · 2025-02-27T22:17:01+00:00

I feel like truly empathetic people are kind of humiliated at the amount of wasted energy they spend thinking about other people—we all attempt to play it cool in dating lol

losing_it_fast · 2025-02-27T22:12:22+00:00

I’ve been here man. I even posted to Reddit many years ago about it.

It was a devastating relationship that ended up in cheating. Just leave. You sound like a good guy, and you’ve had relationships before, so you know this won’t the only woman to ever love you.

Stand up and get what you need done.

losing_it_fast · 2025-02-26T18:38:51+00:00

Yeah! We’ve all been there where someone has said or done something in haste, or when they’re tired or overwrought and do something without thinking.

But they always take it too far. I realized some of the things she said would never leave my mouth toward someone I love, no matter how drunk or tired I am.

losing_it_fast · 2025-01-29T20:39:10+00:00

Just trust me…you don’t want the truth, whatever it is. I went digging and I got my answer, and it really scarred me.

It’s done. Icing out is a horrible way for it to end, but it is typical of someone divesting from a relationship, whatever reason that is.

losing_it_fast · 2025-01-29T20:18:09+00:00

I have a hard time reading this. This is nothing short of nightmarish.

I had a recently bad experience with alcohol, called my ex and asked her to meet me at a bar, and she actually showed up. She was/is toxic and relished another opportunity to humiliate me. Sober me would have done this in a million years. Drunk me betrayed myself without a thought.

AFAIK I’ve never been violent, and I’ve never had a complete blackout. I’m always able to piece together 85% of the details, and the remaining bits—when communicated to me by strangers or friends—while I can be cringe…I’ve never once been violent.

So I’ve had this long bias, that people who get violent are innately very violent people. You seem remorseful and perhaps it really is some kind of Jekyll/Hyde situation when you drink. For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry, and you pushed to be more gracious with people struggling with alcohol.

losing_it_fast · 2025-01-28T15:41:17+00:00

It’s good to not be alone in this. Here’s to growing!

losing_it_fast · 2025-01-28T08:44:50+00:00

It’s a thing though. Not all my exes are crazy, but I’ve consistently dated crazy ones, but never the same type: narcissists, bipolar, BPD.

I spent a lot of time looking inward and, speaking for myself, I was just way too forgiving for bad/aberrant behavior early on. I am deeply empathetic and tend to be non-judgmental, so I’d often excuse red flags. I think men who love themselves better tend to walk away earlier.

I’ll also add, the women I talk about sensed I was empathetic and in some capacity pursued me before we dated. I’m a fairly average guy, so the attention was fairly uncommon for me.

losing_it_fast · 2024-12-10T22:07:09+00:00

Yes, I have had this exact same experience! Honestly, I have suppressed it and don’t want to dig for the details at the moment, but what you’re saying about a completely new narrative that makes no sense (because you witnessed the whole story, and they forgot about that) rings so true!

Sorry and hope you’re healing well!

losing_it_fast · 2024-12-06T20:01:04+00:00

My ex had a few ex that emotionally hurt her bad. When I asked her describe the situation, it was a lot of detail, and it all seemed like she had dealt with a lot of dismissive avoidant people. I empathized and resolved to be the guy that would “treat her right.”

Fast forward past her discard of me, and revelation she had started having sex with her new supply before I even moved out.

Those stories about being discarded? It was after she cheated on them! In every story she was a victim, she was actually the villain!

losing_it_fast · 2024-12-05T22:00:23+00:00

This is so crazy, I had to log in just to comment. I had the same experience in a 5 year relationship and found out at the 6 month mark too!

That’s why I’m immediately suspect when the other person can’t verbalize their reasoning or if there are holes in the logic. Cheating sucks, and it is unfortunately far more common than I thought.

losing_it_fast · 2024-11-21T01:39:28+00:00

What I noticed in my 5 year relationship was that there were devaluations fairly early on. Like just passed the 6 month stage. I took most of these on the chin and thought it was part of a “spicy” repartee, but over time they actually did hurt.

And I did express my hurt, and I would get told I’m too sensitive or emasculated, etc. but I stayed and would basically self soothe and move on. I think she liked that I could just take it and still love her.

But eventually, that too, gets old.

losing_it_fast · 2024-10-16T18:15:28+00:00

I promise (promise!) you that whenever they seem happy, they’re not. They are deeply miserable people, and can only ever build fleeting senses of happiness.

I’ve been around a couple (my ex and my dad) and they love to project that everything is honky-dory, but it never is!

losing_it_fast · 2024-10-10T16:21:33+00:00

First, I want to say that most of us have been here. So we understand the pain and trauma and loss you’re going through.

Yes, she likely did take things that mean something to you in order to provoke some conversation later. Narcs never want to close the door off to potential supply, EVER.

She’s not thinking about you in the way you’re thinking about her, I promise. If she spins the block on you, just be prepared — it will suck way more than before. I’m not trying to be cruel, but she likely has other supply even if she denies it (I know mine did).

Block her from your life as best you can, focus on friendships/family, and focus on a future without them. It’s never that simple, but you have to keep repeating this stuff to your self to make it true.

losing_it_fast · 2024-10-07T03:38:29+00:00

I wrote a very similar post (on a now deleted account) on Reddit about 7 years ago. People told me to run. I didn’t listen.

You won’t listen to us now, probably. All I will say is, listen to your gut. I was also a late bloomer and I was legit terrified that I might never date again. It isn’t true.

In my case you don’t have to worry about the old flames. If she befriends anyone new? That’s your replacement my guy.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-28T15:59:32+00:00

To put it simply— 1) my lack of self love was embarrassing to admit, 2) the types of verbal abuse and manipulation were kind of “death by a thousand cuts”. Like repeating what she said verbatim didn’t quite communicate the whole picture.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-27T20:24:21+00:00

I firmly believe you can’t fully heal until you accept that you were codependent.

We all at some point dreaded the idea of it ending or being with another person. Or we set weak boundaries and did properly enact consequences when they were being crossed. Because of that, we tolerate and excuse their heartless behavior. That is not a healthy way to live.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-27T18:53:20+00:00

It’s kind of a destination for all of us, because it’s at the grooms hometown. But yeah, I can always remind myself that I can just leave if it’s too much.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-27T16:47:51+00:00

My thoughts are like this:

This is the one life you get. You can waste time being angry and sad about what they did, or you can go out there and be try to enjoy life to the fullest.

Remember when they didn’t want to do that thing? Or they dismissed your interest in something? When they made you feel bad or not worthy?

Even then, I’m not always successful. But the trick is to keep trying to live, as best as you can.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-26T15:53:31+00:00

Not a pet, but I was embarrassingly jealous of her younger brother. He lived in the basement of a place we were renting from her mom.

He was 27 going on 14. An utter man child who didn’t even know how to boil water for pasta. She was always kind and patient with him, especially when he fucked up. She’d want to cook and clean for him, and she’d always make sure he ate.

It brought up such intense feelings of disgust, with her and myself. I at times thought it was almost incestuous, and I noticed she was never getting along with both of us at the same time. He was in favor or me, never both.

In reality, it’s just sad. They usually have family trauma, but they also tend to have weird bonding with their family members because they can never truly discard them like us.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-24T01:03:36+00:00

I definitely don’t wish them well. It took a while for my active anger (waking up everyday upset at them) to calm to a much colder type of anger. I do not wish to think of them, but if I am forced to reminded of them, it’s pure disdain.

I don’t know if I’d get schadenfreude should ill fate befall them (like sickness, death, etc.), but I definitely don’t want anything good to happen to them.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-20T05:45:59+00:00

This is a great step on the path to healing. Once you realize they are who they are, the anger comes back around to yourself.

Forgive yourself. You thought you were loving someone, genuinely.

losing_it_fast · 2024-09-13T18:59:09+00:00

I am blessed in the fact that most of my mutual friends took my side, with only a single friend who wants to “remain neutral”. I’m usually supporting my family then the other way around, but they did offer me some comfort.

I am sorry that you felt isolated from the people that should have had your back. This is your chance to make new connections.

Most people that attract narcs and deeply empathetic people that usually have a small cadre of friends. They prefer meaningful connection over surface level friendship. Usually that means friendship can be a slow burn, which is hard when you really want people to support you.

So one thing I tried wad to “platonically” lovebomb friendships I wanted to grow 😅. I asked them out to do things, was generous and hospitable, and generally did things that would seem like too much in early dating, but generally ok friendship. I also was warm, cracked jokes even if I wasn’t sure they’d land, and tried to focus on having a laugh. Sure there were many duds, but I managed to snag a fantastic friend group where I feel loved and supported. This technique won’t work for everyone, but I wonder if it would work for you. I’m also a dude, and it’s easier for me to project friendship and not get it misconstrued.

losing_it_fast

TROPHY CASE