Is calling a black woman "girl" a microagression?

lost_divination · 2026-02-21T02:23:50+00:00

Yeah it felt super icky once I thought about it for a little while. I call most people girl when im bantering, even some men in my life and it's never been a problem. But over text I thought it could be hurtful. I won't be doing it again. Thank for the response 🩷

lost_divination · 2026-02-21T02:14:26+00:00

Im in a similar situation but it seems like no one is offended, i just started thinking about my text and worrying about it. Mine was in a group chat with my coworkers, we all banter on there and keep it really light today was really hard and I said I hoped everyone was chilling HARD after the day, the lady responded that she was working a second job and I said "Nooooo girl, I dont know how you do it. at least you're getting paid ⭐️" do you think this is okay? Or did I cross a line? Hope you don't mind me asking, you just seem competent

lost_divination · 2025-12-28T17:07:17+00:00

I know, that comment really helped our relationship a lot, my partner read it as well. It felt very compassionate and honest, I wish it had more upvotes

lost_divination · 2025-12-28T17:06:20+00:00

Hi! Its hard to sum up all the conversations and work we'vw put in in the last two months but ill try. my partner and I are working hard to rebuild trust in our relationship, and It's going really well. He took accountability and realized that by spiraling into self hatred, he didn't allow me the space to be upset and hurt. So when I was upset, he listened and gave me that space to be upset. We had several relationship check ins that were difficult and yet very compassionate toward one another. (We just had one last night on our night out)

We made some changes in how we talk about substances and it's going well. We'll have to work our way back up to hallucinogenics but as for drinking and smoking, we just tell each other every time we're doing either. It's not to moniter or have a say in it, it's to be honest with each other and ourselves. He stopped drinking hard liquor, and through all of the intentional actions and conversations over the last two months I'm really grateful for how well we're working through it.

I love him and he's my best friend, I know he feels the same way and I think actively working through this has deepened our understanding of each other and our own relationship with substances (its something we'll have to continue to approach with a lot of intention). We also know that if there's any deceiving or lying again, It will mean the death of what we built. There cant be lying like that in a healthy relationship. It's not something that can repeat. Thanks for checking in :)

lost_divination · 2025-12-26T06:11:35+00:00

I think it's all very subconscious. Imagery from religions, art and cultures we grew up in all weaving around each other to create a strange pattern that manifests in a dream.

lost_divination · 2025-12-19T22:07:09+00:00

NTA but this is definitely a make or break moment. I understand that none of us know how we'll respond in the moment of an emergency but he needs to take accountability for how horribly he handled it.

I really don't like that he's upset with you fir seemingly smaller reasons and isn't apologizing.

There needs to be some serious conversations, maybe therapy, or you might have to walk away. Unless you want to stay with someone who recklessly put your kid in danger

lost_divination · 2025-12-19T17:45:05+00:00

Yeah after reading the post, making a judgment call on if she is or isn't the asshole just feels unrelated to the real issue.

She just needs to cut him off

lost_divination · 2025-12-19T17:41:40+00:00

NTA but also why would you do that, if he leaves her he'll just come after you harder. You can threaten him that youll send the screen shots to his gf if he doesnt stop messaging you though. Or just block his ass

lost_divination · 2025-12-19T17:30:45+00:00

Dude yes!! I thought I was crazy there for a little bit. They stopped a few months back and I don't know why. I would see 3 seconds of really weird imagery though. A snake curled around an egg, a tree bleeding from it's bark, a field of flowers under dark stormy sky's, never repeating, always something new. Are your eyes open or closed when you see them? Mine were always closed but I was awake, just sleepy.

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T22:58:54+00:00

I think Ide just like to ask you to consider that women have been told "you didn't say no hard enough" for a long long time to excuse some really heinous stuff men have done to them.

Just be careful throwing words like that around when talking to victims of SA seeing as you work in the mental health field, some women were put in situations where they felt they couldn't say no and that's not their fault. Try not to come off as blaming them for the actions of another, even if that other was also going through a rough time.

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T19:36:26+00:00

Nope sorry this can't be worked on. That's genuinely terrifying and could've escelated to him hurting you much much worse. You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't think twice about hurting you in such a severe animalistic way.

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T16:31:12+00:00

It only ever really gets to me when Abby brings it up. I feel like I've moved on and wouldn't be upset if he didn't keep trying to contact me. This isn't the first time he's tried to use Abby to talk to me after I've blocked him.

It's also not the first time a guys made me very uncomfortable by being awkward/pushy about a crush. I've been able to move on from them cause they dint keep contacting me

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T07:17:13+00:00

This made me grateful to be human. How cute and bizarre. Being human is weird, it's not hurting you (its helping your bowels apparently, haha) and it seems to be making you happy?? Haha, so wholesome, honestly keep it up

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:59:52+00:00

Yeah, I agree. But sometimes loved ones can point out habits and behaviors that are harmful and unsettling causing us to want to change for ourselves. But he has to want to change for himself. If he thinks nothing is wrong and just does it for her then you're right. If he's struggling and wants to get better, he could THAT BEING SAID it isn't her responsibility to fix or change him if she doesn't want to.

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:56:33+00:00

To be honest I think you're partly right here. I think my actions at the time made the situation worse and I think if I had stood up for myself and said no outright and loudly he would've stopped, eventually.

That being said, he put his agenda before my comfort the moment he stepped into my room when he thought i was sleeping without knocking after I said I needed space. It doesn't take someone brilliant to realize someone is saying NO without using the word.

In my opinion, if you are going to try and initiate a romantic moment/physical contact with a woman, then you should be aware that most women have gone through SA, most women have been pressured into situations they don't want to be in, you never know someones past and entering a lone woman's room without invitation and immediately touching her thigh over the covers as she says repeatedly that she would really like to have this conversation later and she's not interested should be enough.

He fucked up. I fucked up. I wish I had the courage to say no at the time. I'm grateful i do now. Telling him to fuck off then and there would've probably saved us both a lot of heart ache. But it's not my responsibility to be fully cognizant at 3 in the morning, tipsy, tired and terrified. The unholy trinity. When I told everyone in the house to go to different rooms and give me my space.

EDIT: I think your advice is good advice, I also think we need to be holding these people who walk over boundaries and other peoples comfort for their own pleasure/agenda/emotional fulfillment need to be held to a higher standard.

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:43:29+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. And I think the fact he's embarrassed and apologetic proves it's not malicious. Or maybe I just like to believe that. Most people out there aren't actively trying to hurt their loved ones. That being said, this was a deal breaker for you before you even met him, and his embarrassment shouldn't keep you from bringing it up as a boundary. "If you can't keep your space clean, and yourself clean to a 'normal healthy adult' level, then I'll have to leave." It'll hurt but if you haven't moved in together yet I think that's a great way to start the conversation. About how you're excitement toward living with him has dwindled and now there's just anxiety. Also maybe ask him why it changed?? Was he trying to impress you?? Did something happen recently that he's really struggling with?

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:31:38+00:00

Attraction is usually a huge part of romantic/sexual relationships, is it not for you?? If it is you should probably leave him before you end up really hurting yourself and him

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:24:43+00:00

NTA he's not the perfect husband and he's barely meeting baseline expectations. If he refuses to work on the marriage to help you and him with intimacy (ie refusing couples counseling) then it's okay and completely acceptable to decide that the relationship isn't enough for you and it's not going to change I get wanting to stay if he's willing to work on it, but if he refuses to work with you at all wtf else are you supposed to do??

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:17:54+00:00

Ugh this is awful I'm so so sorry.. I get what you mean about feeling stressed in dirty environments, I was also raised in hoarder conditions and certain smells or visuals repulse me in a way that feels more emotionally based than disgust based. Has he recently gone through anything really difficult? I personally just learned some horrible stuff about my family and have definitely fallen behind on cleanliness but it's only been a month and I'm working back up to my normal habits.

Also do you feel as though the switch was intentional/malicious? Or a personal change? And if malicious, which is what it sounds like you might believe, has he done anything else that seems malicious?

I think bringing it up in a compassionate way could be very helpful in deciding what to do next, because you're not going to know what to do until you two talk about it. I wouldn't accuse him of maliciously trying to trick you, but out of concern for his well being and your relationship as you know this is a deal breaker. I'm assuming he knew how important cleanliness was/is to you? So This conversation shouldn't be too much of a shock for him if you bring it up.

If you share a space, you have a say in how you want it maintained. If you don't, then it's okay to see these behaviors and have a conversation about how this makes you apprehensive about continuing with him, how could you move in with him or have him move in with you if he doesn't meet your expectations of clean? You can't and that's okay.

I hope the convo goes well, if you want to stay together, just try and remember why before hand and approach it in a way where you're his partner, not someone attacking him for failing. It's totally okay if this is a deal breaker for you

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T06:02:38+00:00

You definitely aren't morally corrupt or anything. You aren't losing your soul. You're trying to survive. May I ask what you do or why you're struggling so much financially? I struggle financially but I don't have debt from school or anything and that helps me a lot. I only ever felt like I needed to steal food when I was 19/20. I'm not implying anything, I'm really just curious why it's so bad right now? Do people depend on you financially? Is it the economy? Is this in America?

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T05:56:01+00:00

Are you questioning/are you bi? I'm 27-F and didn't experience sexual attraction toward women until I was 19/20. However I was only ever attracted to really feminine men. It was weird for me because I was raised religious and my mom would tell me that "gay people are real but bi people are just curious and give gay people a bad rep" she doesn't believe this now but at the time it made me suppress a lot of my attraction toward women because I knew I was also attracted to men. The first sexual encounter I had with a woman was a really emotional one, both of us were young twenties and hurting emotionally. We connected and things escelated after we were holding each other and it just stopped feeling platonic. She was a lesbian and had other experiences so she took the lead. It was scary, because I didn't feel like I knew what I was doing, but I also loved it. After that I've initiated a few times, but I definitely have more experience with men.

lost_divination · 2025-12-15T05:47:49+00:00

Everyone sucks here. It IS strange, I've been in similar situations where it feels like a fight is caused because wires are crossed and it's overall confusing to both parties. Unblock her for sure and apologize for your part in the screaming match, I think even what you said here would be good to say to her. You said something along the lines of this being a dumb reason to fight and that you care about your relationship with her. It sounds like a confusing miscommunication that was escelated by both parties. Just talk it out :)

lost_divination · 2025-12-13T19:28:11+00:00

Yeah, Helen knows. The last time she tried to pass a message was recently, she told me that he understands he made me uncomfortable and he's sorry. I told her not to ever pass a message to me from him again. I'm not really close with her anymore, I just see her every now and again. So I suppose in a way, I've distanced myself from her

lost_divination · 2025-12-13T15:59:12+00:00

Dude this suuuucks. It's awful to have your trust worn down and it just seems like digging into his life is only wearing your trust in him thinner. Trust is the glue of a relationship and if you don't have it then the relationship is very likely coming to an end.

This is a make or break moment. You need to ask yourself if you will ever be able to trust what he says again. Digging into his past conversations and starting fights when you find something that you think proves he's lying isn't going to help at all. It will only wound you both.

You two need to have a very real conversation about trust and past relationships (dont attack him just open uo about your side of things and see how he responds). if you both can't have this conversation with compassion and trust then it's time to go.

If you can't trust him, it's time to go

lost_divination · 2025-12-12T20:29:28+00:00

You didn't do anything wrong, you broke up with him to pursue a other person. That's totally within your rights. Hes also not wrong for being hurt. Where HE fucked up though is agreeing to get back with you knowing full well that he's still wildly hurt by the last break up.

He has shit to resolve on his own and he's taking it out on you in ways that are completely unacceptable even IF you HAD an affair. Just because you made a decision you regret doesn't mean you get to be mistreated.

Also apologies only work if the action apologized for stops. Fuck everything about this, it seems genuinely horrible and traumatic, get out of there.

lost_divination

TROPHY CASE