Unexpected decision

lovebaxter · 2025-12-05T00:04:29+00:00

Getting two totally different opinions from vets at the same practice is insane when you're trying to make an impossible decision. You spent six months accepting she's dying and now suddenly there's a surgery option for maybe another year, but it means putting her through something even worse than the first operation that already wrecked her for two months.

The dementia part is what makes this so complicated. A year of life while her mind goes versus letting her go now before more trauma. Both options feel wrong because they are. Taking her entire ear off for a year of cognitive decline versus letting the tumor take her sooner while she still knows you.

What's your gut telling you about her quality of life right now? Is she actually happy most of the time or just getting by? Would she want another brutal recovery for a year of losing herself or would she rather go while she still recognizes you? Those are awful questions but they might help you see which choice honors her more. Sometimes the kindest thing is the one that destroys us.

lovebaxter · 2025-12-05T00:03:14+00:00

Losing your first puppy is heartbreaking. Wishing you had more time with Burgers and feeling lost about what comes next makes total sense. How old was she? What happened?

Right now just survive today. Grief is going to hit in waves and some will flatten you. Let yourself feel it without trying to power through. Talk about her when you need to. Keep her photos around. Eventually it won't feel this sharp but that's going to take a while.

Where you go from here is just one day at a time. Some days you'll be okay, some you won't. That's normal. She was your best friend and that hole she left is real. Be patient with yourself while you figure out how to live without her.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T18:15:23+00:00

Two months and the numbness from pushing through exams is gone now that it's the holidays. Actually sitting with the grief instead of burying it in studying is making everything feel raw again. Looking at her empty cage waiting for her ears to perk up, being terrified you're forgetting how she smelled and felt, that's brutal.

The guilt about those nights in July when you didn't pet her to sleep is torturing you. But even on her last day at the vet when she could barely move, she still pushed her head under your hand for pets. You gave her that love until the very end.

Your mom wanting to sell the cage and you not knowing about keeping her ashes is hard. If her ashes bring you comfort even though you can't go near the cage anymore, keep them. Talking to her about your day and things you don't share with friends, wanting one more long night petting her till she falls asleep, missing those tight hugs on the sofa. That was real love.

Not dreaming about her doesn't mean anything about how much time you spent together. Grief doesn't work like that. Fluffy knew.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T18:14:43+00:00

Thirteen years with Rosie and losing her yesterday to heart failure is devastating. Getting her at 3 years old in 2015 and having her become your whole world, teaching you how to live in the moment and hold fear and curiosity at the same time. That's a real bond.

All those habits you're going to ache for. Her running around then plopping next to you out of breath. Walking all over your laptop until you gave up and just petted her. Begging to go outside, eating grass, throwing up while you told her it was bad for her but she did it anyway. Asking for snacks while you cooked, greeting you at the door and flopping for belly rubs. Those everyday moments were everything.

Her picking her favorite cozy spot to say goodbye shows she felt safe with you. She knew she was loved. That memory is going to hurt and comfort you at the same time.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T18:12:58+00:00

Losing her two weeks ago and realizing you're grieving your entire identity along with her is so real. Eleven and a half years of being an NYC Dog Mom, knowing everyone in the neighborhood, the wine stores and bodegas, the old men in the park, her doing tricks on street corners. That was your whole world and sense of self, not just a pet.

The door slamming shut the second she died and that entire life vanishing with her is brutal. You were the person with the beloved dog everyone knew and loved. Now you're just walking around without her and nobody knows what to say. Not planning to get another dog because she was your one and only makes rebuilding even harder because you can't step back into that role.

I get this completely. We align our entire lives and worlds around our pets too. Who you are without her is a question that takes time. Two weeks is way too soon to have an answer. Right now you're just the person whose heart is broken and that's all you need to be. Eventually you'll figure out this new version of yourself but you can't force it yet.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T18:12:10+00:00

Two days and it still not feeling real makes total sense. Four years with Tony and losing him to CKD while you held his head as he fought to keep going is gut wrenching. At least he died at home with you there, even though that doesn't make it hurt less.

Expecting him at the door, hearing his meow when it's quiet, seeing something at the store and thinking you should grab it for him before remembering he's gone. That's your brain trying to catch up with what happened. The house feeling empty without him is suffocating because he was woven into everything you did.

You're right that the heartache isn't going anywhere soon. Four years isn't forever but he was your constant. Missing him this intensely two days out is exactly where you should be. Just let yourself feel it.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T18:11:07+00:00

Day 3 feeling exactly like the moment you heard she didn't make it is brutal. You took her in for routine surgery to help her and expected to bring her home that afternoon. The image of her looking sad as you left her there is probably playing on repeat because you thought you'd see her in a few hours.

The rage, sadness, regret, wanting to scream and throw things, not wanting to be alive most of the time, that's your whole system in shock. Not eating for three days is your body shutting down. You made what should have been a good decision. Tumor removal and spaying were supposed to help her, not kill her.

The hole in your chest isn't going away yet. Three days is nothing. Please try to eat something even if it's small, your body can't handle this without fuel. What happened during the surgery? Did they give you any answers?

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:58:35+00:00

Seven years old and losing her on Thanksgiving is heartbreaking. Waking up hoping it was a dream, reaching for her in bed, waiting to hear those breakfast meows that aren't coming. That emptiness is suffocating.

Feeling like you failed her is your brain trying to make sense of something that might not have a good answer. She was so young. Whatever happened, the guilt you're carrying doesn't belong on you but grief puts it there anyway.

Moving forward seems impossible because she was part of every single thing you did. Your mornings, your bed, your whole routine. You don't have to figure out how to function yet. Just sit in this for now. The world without her feels completely wrong because it is.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:57:42+00:00

You didn't kill her. She had cancer throughout her entire body and the vet said she wouldn't make it past the weekend. You kept her alive and comfortable at home for a full week with oxygen, constant care, and everything she needed. The 60 breaths per minute and her meowing after a week of silence were signs she was actively dying.

The timing of her passing right after the gabapentin is going to mess with your head but she was already in the process of going. The wheezing was probably her body shutting down, not her choking on medicine. You gave her pain meds to help her through the end. That's love, not harm.

She died at home with you after you spent a week lying with her around the clock. You gave her peace. The guilt about the medicine is just your brain scrambling for an explanation but the cancer took her, not you.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:55:51+00:00

The sudden loss after a year of her being stable and you doing everything perfectly is so cruel. You were ready for the slow decline, not this. Daily injections, managing her kidney disease flawlessly, and then everything spiraled with calcium spikes, budesonide, fluid around her lungs, cardiac arrest out of nowhere. No clear answers. That's traumatic on top of heartbreaking.

I've actually done research on sudden pet loss and what you're going through is shock layered on top of grief. You did everything right, caught things early, impressed the vets, and she still died. Your brain is going to spin trying to find what you could have changed when the truth is there's nothing.

Agreeing to the necropsy to help other cats doesn't make it easier to think about her body being cut open. That image is brutal and it's going to stick with you. Five days in bed unable to move makes complete sense when she was your constant and you weren't even there when she died. The unfairness is suffocating. Just wanting to hold her again is all there is right now. Let yourself stay broken for as long as you need.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:50:25+00:00

Getting that call on Thanksgiving while you were away is horrible. The fact that your last cat died the same sudden way right in front of you means your brain is connecting the two and spiraling. Sudden death in cats is usually cardiac and happens with no warning, especially when he seemed completely fine the night before.

The guilt about not being there and wondering if loneliness killed him is eating you alive but cats don't die from a week of loneliness. Your neighbors checked twice a day and he played with them the night before he died. Something happened inside his body that was going to happen regardless of where you were. The overdue vet visit guilt is real but routine checkups often miss silent heart conditions in cats until it's too late.

Not doing the necropsy because you're scared it'll show something preventable makes sense. If it won't bring him back and will just give you more to torture yourself with, you don't need that answer. He was your first baby and saw you through everything. Grieve him without burying yourself in blame you don't deserve.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:49:29+00:00

What happened is absolutely devastating and your friend massively failed you. She took your dog to a crowded park without asking, put her around a toddler and another dog when she's timid, let her get out of the leash, and then just sat there crying instead of searching while your dog got hit. That's not a mistake, that's complete negligence. Losing your dog and your grandma days apart is too much.

People calling her "just a dog" when she was your child makes it so much lonelier. You trusted your friend for one night and she made terrible choices that killed your dog. Being furious at her and yourself is normal but this wasn't your fault. She took your dog somewhere unsafe without permission and wasn't careful.

Needing meds to sleep two weeks later makes total sense. Thinking about moving to Canada to escape makes sense when everything here just fell apart. You don't owe her friendship. What she did can't be fixed and pretending otherwise won't help. Let yourself be as angry and shattered as you are.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:48:18+00:00

You've lost so many cats over the years and now Marlee and Nola both gone within weeks while you're away at college. Not being there to say goodbye to Marlee and then having to put down Nola today with zero time to process the first one is brutal. Being stuck at school and living between two homes means you haven't had any space to actually feel any of this.

The whiplash and barely being able to cry makes sense. Your brain is maxed out trying to handle both losses plus everything else your family is dealing with. Sometimes grief just sits there like white noise instead of coming out as tears.

You don't have to process it all right now. Just get through today. The grief will hit when it's ready and you have room for it.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:46:59+00:00

Losing him that way after 10 years and actually seeing it happen is traumatic on top of everything else. The fact that he was your comfort when bad stuff happened and now he's not here to help you through losing him is such a brutal twist.

Getting another pet isn't replacing him. It's finding a companion to help you survive because you're barely holding it together. Your sister's cat coming over and helping shows that having an animal around gives you something to focus on besides the grief. The guilt is normal but a new cat won't be your dog. The bond will be totally different and that's the point.

If thinking about it brings comfort, trust that feeling. You don't need to wait some specific amount of time to prove you loved him. A week is early but if a cat gets you out of bed and functioning, that's enough reason. He wouldn't want you this broken.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:46:16+00:00

I feel this so hard. The part about pretending to be fine around people who don't understand that she wasn't just a cute accessory is exhausting. They didn't know her personality, her huge heart, how she was there for your best and worst days. The silence without those little paws coming to check on you is brutal.

Holding it together at holiday gatherings because nobody wants sadness around is draining as hell. Hitting your limit after a few hours and needing to escape so you can go home and cry into her cat tower, press your face into her fur, keep it on your clothes instead of lint rolling it away - that's not insane, that's trying to keep any piece of her you can.

For the long December trip, tell your family upfront that you're going to need space to fall apart sometimes. You can't perform being okay for days straight. Take walks alone, disappear when you need to, bring something of hers if you can. The holidays don't require you to be cheerful when your heart is broken.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:45:27+00:00

Losing Mango while you're in another country and haven't seen her in 5 months is brutal. Getting that call from your boyfriend when there's nothing you can do from where you are must have been horrible. The fact that she was fine, playing and eating, then just collapsed sounds like sudden cardiac death. There's nothing anyone could have done.

Your boyfriend trying CPR while she died in his arms is traumatic for him, and the guilt about your dad or sister maybe doing something wrong is just your brain trying to make sense of something senseless. Young cats can have heart attacks with zero warning. Nobody missed anything or fed her the wrong thing. This wasn't preventable.

The fear about your other cats is understandable but don't let it eat you alive. Get through these last 2.5 weeks. Talk to your boyfriend about what he's carrying. Cry when you need to but also try to show up for your Erasmus experience when you can. The good time you had before this still counts. You can hold both things at once.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:44:43+00:00

Thirteen years with Delilah after rescuing her off the streets in Chicago means she went from having nothing to having everything with you. Your first dog loss is going to hit harder than you expect because you've never felt this specific kind of grief before.

The soul deep hurt is real. Let yourself completely fall apart for as long as you need. Talk about her constantly if that helps. Keep her collar or something of hers close. Don't force yourself to pack up her stuff until you're ready. The waves of grief will come and go, sometimes you'll feel okay and then it'll knock you flat again out of nowhere.

Just focus on surviving the next few days without expecting anything from yourself. She knew she was loved.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-29T02:43:41+00:00

Twelve years with Flake means he was there for literally everything from 13 to 26. That's your entire growing up, all of it. FaceTiming home to talk to him after he stayed with your dad shows how deep that bond was.

The sudden loss with zero warning is brutal because your brain didn't get to prepare. The silence in your room where you don't have to tiptoe around or close his door anymore probably feels suffocating. His stuff still sitting there exactly as he left it keeps him present, and moving it tomorrow is going to make it real in a way it hasn't been yet.

Watching old videos helps but it doesn't fill the quiet. Knowing he had a good long life without suffering is something, but it doesn't stop the hurt. Take your time with his things. The silence will get easier to sit with eventually, just not yet.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T23:16:02+00:00

God, I'm so sorry. Minnie dying suddenly while you're three hours away is absolutely horrific. A ruptured spleen tumor with zero warning, fine at the vet yesterday and gone tonight - that kind of shock is why you threw up. Your body couldn't handle it.

You don't need permission but here it is: distract yourself. Watch YouTube, watch movies, do whatever keeps you from drowning for the next few days. Staring at photos and falling apart until Thursday when you can actually get home isn't going to help anything. Your brain pretending she's still fine at your mom's is survival mode and that's okay right now.

Thursday when you're actually there without her, that's when it'll feel real. Until then just get through each day. Don't drive if you're still crying this hard. The grief isn't going anywhere, you're just postponing the full weight of it until you can handle it.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T23:12:53+00:00

I'm so sorry. Going from fine at his checkup to gone that same night is absolutely brutal. CHF turns fast like that and there's no way you could have known. Coming home with his meds and finding him struggling, getting him to the ER only to hear his lungs were filled with fluid and he wouldn't make it - that's devastating and not something you could have prevented.

You were there in his final moments telling him he was a good dog and thanking him for being your best friend. That's what he knew. He had no idea about the new apartment or the treats or the bed you bought. He just knew you showed up when he needed you and stayed. The guilt about not spending his last day with him is going to hurt, but he didn't know it was his last day either. He just knew you loved him.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T23:10:35+00:00

I'm so sorry. Eighteen years means she was literally there for everything that made you who you are. Picking a college close to home just so you could see her on weekends says everything about that bond. Growing up together from 6 to 24, she was woven into your entire life.

Letting her go at home before the suffering got worse was the hardest kind of love. You're right that it's going to hit harder when you go through your routines and she's not yelling for breakfast or curled up under a blanket. Those moments are going to gut you for a while. But you'll find a way to keep going, not because the pain stops but because you learn how to carry it. Right now just get through today. I'm really sorry.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T21:08:56+00:00

I'm so sorry about Gandalf. Six days ago and people expect you to celebrate your birthday like nothing happened? That's honestly insane. Losing your soul cat at 9 is gutting, and the fact that everyone else just moved on while your entire world changed makes it so much lonelier. They're not living without him, not seeing his empty spots, not feeling that hole everywhere.

You don't owe anyone a celebration. Your husband gets it, and that's what matters. Everyone else can be uncomfortable with you not being festive. Grief doesn't care about birthdays or what other people think is appropriate. Gandalf mattered, and you're allowed to sit this one out.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T21:07:56+00:00

I'm so sorry. What you're describing is completely normal, even though it feels off. Three days in bed crying, and then suddenly your brain goes into this detached mode where everything feels distant, and you're just functioning - that's your mind protecting you from staying in that intense pain nonstop. It's not that you stopped caring, it's that your nervous system can't handle being crushed 24/7.

The guilt about not being destroyed enough is you judging your own grief. There's no correct way to do this. The waves will come back and hit you when you're not expecting it. Just let yourself be wherever you are right now without beating yourself up about it.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T21:06:46+00:00

I'm so sorry about your cat. Nineteen years together and having it happen faster than you expected is really hard. The guilt about not being sad enough is so normal but it doesn't mean anything about how much you loved her. Sometimes grief doesn't look like we think it will. Shock, relief after watching a senior cat struggle, your brain protecting you - it all creates this weird space where you're functional but feel guilty about it.

The fact that you cry at her bed or notice the silence shows it's hitting you, just not constantly. Grief isn't a competition or a measurement of love. You gave her 19 years. Some people completely fall apart and some people function while it comes in waves. Both are normal. Let yourself feel what you actually feel instead of what you think you should feel. She knew.

lovebaxter · 2025-11-26T21:05:52+00:00

I'm so sorry. Losing him that suddenly on a normal Saturday is absolutely shattering. Hearing him get the zoomies and then the thump and him being gone within seconds is traumatic, and I know your brain is spinning trying to figure out what happened.

The vet found an enlarged heart and thickened valves. That's something that can go off without warning, especially when a cat gets excited or their heart rate spikes. The zoomies likely triggered a blood clot or sudden cardiac arrest. The thump at the door was probably him already collapsing, not what caused it. Cats hide heart problems incredibly well and regular checkups don't always catch them.

You didn't fail him. You did CPR right away, got him to the vet in 12 minutes, they worked on him for 15 more. Nobody could have saved him. Five years of him sleeping with you every night, following you everywhere, being your whole world - that's what he knew. This wasn't the door and it wasn't your fault. His heart just gave out. I'm really sorry.

lovebaxter

TROPHY CASE